OFF

off to san antonio in the morning and a half marathon on sunday. excited to see nessa and the kids.

TOO MUCH

just another bad day at work. it seems that i'm having more of them than good lately. i feel that i'm getting no support from anybody there except maybe alicia. i so wanted to walk out tonight, i'm not sure what stopped me.

i'm also taking mom's set back with her need of chemo harder than i thought. it is the first time she sounded scared, and that worries me. i'm hoping she will rebound, but at 79, she may not.

i wanted to pack last night for this coming weekend because i have so much to do this week, but that didn't happen.

i wonder if i'm putting too much on myself. i just feel overwhelmed with everything.

RETURNING TO SELF?

the last couple of days have felt like a return to normalcy. i feel like i've gone through the worst of the bad days, and have more good days ahead. at least that is how i felt until my mom called a little while ago. she has had a minor set back with her oncologist, and will have to have four rounds of chemo before starting radiation. she did not sound well over the phone. i think this has been a real blow to her. she has been very positive through this process, and suddenly she sounds like the wind has been knocked out of her. i feel so bad for her, and there is nothing i can do. i feel so guilty for going away next weekend. on the positive side, steven and claudia are coming into town, and she is looking forward to that. nothing is going to happen until after their visit.

everything else about the last couple of days has been fine. work was no problem yesterday. i did my 4.5 hours, and left. i had a nice workout at the gym, and decided to start taking an otc dose of vitamin d. more and more studies are showing that most americans are not getting enough vitamin d. i have seen a lot of people blood work come back showing a lack of the vitamin, and of the ones in range, a lot of them are on the lower end of normal. i thought i would try it since one of the bigger side effects of low vitamin d is low energy, and i have long complained of that.

i did sleep well last night. i was asleep before 9:30 and didn't get up until after 9:30 this morning! i was shocked when i realized how much i slept. i thought if i got up early i would be able to get up early. there were a few things i wanted to accomplish this morning. i was able to get everything done, but not in the morning! peter and i worked together this afternoon and evening to get done what needed to be done. we are busy tomorrow. i work in the morning, and we have a chili cook off with the neighbors in the afternoon, and an engagement party for heather and ben in the evening. the party is an outdoor event, and it is going to be freezing, i mean lower than 40, i am going to freeze!

TURING THE CORNER???

this morning started like the others recently. at one point this morning i thought i was going to break down, pull out a sharp, and use it. thankfully, that didn't happen. i was able to keep it together, and had a better afternoon. it was a nice day in that i was left alone. we are running on a skeleton of nurses, to start with, and alicia was not in today. i was able to concentrate to do my work, i had to, and there was nobody with any time to waste. it still makes no sense as to why, but i had better focus and concentration in the afternoon.

i'm not going to question a good thing. it may only be a mirage, but i'll take it. i've been feeling so bad lately, that i'll take any break, no matter how brief.

funny i have not been around peter much this evening, but when i am, i am very edgy.

ANOTHER DAY IN FRIGHTVILLE

another day trapped in a mind betraying logic. i just want to cut all the time. i have no idea where any good sharp instruments are in the house, but i know where there are some great ones are at work, and it took a lot of self control to walk past those areas today. we keep some scalps on the supply cart we bring into stock rooms. i just wanted to lift one. that's all i would have needed for tonight. not that si tonight would stop the impulse from coming back tomorrow, but it would stop the immediate screaming. the increase in meds is only causing an increase in side effects. my mouth is so dry that i can barely talk, and i am so out of it that i am almost non functioning at work. what i wouldn't give for a simple solution. i feel like i've worked so hard, done what my docs have asked, worked out my issues in therapy, and i still can land flat on my butt. this feels like i'm back at square one. the rational part of me knows i'm way farther ahead than i used to be, but when i back slide this far, this fast, it is hard to remember being any further back. i certainly do not want to remember being worse off, because i don't want to think things could be worse than they are right now, even though the logical part of my mind knows things can get much worse.

went to the gym and worked out on the elliptical. my ankle had been bothering my when i run, so i'm going to try to not run until the half on the 15th. i am looking forward to seeing nessa and the kids. i'm hoping to dial down the running and to cross train instead for 6-8 weeks. my next half will not be until may (maybe). i just hope i can stay motivated without a big event before me. i am terrified of gaining the weight back.

my ipod died this week, so i replaced it today, and that was exciting. i got the nano 5th generation. it is compatible with the Nike attachment to keep track of my mileage, it will take short video, and get radio stations. it will be nice to have the option to get the sound of the tv's at the gym. they operate on radio waves. the 5th generation also has a bigger screen than the 4th generation, and has an external speaker, now i can listen to it without having to hook it up to extra speakers. and it was on sale! that was about the only excitement of my day.

i'm not going to the kingdom hall again tonight because i just cannot seem to get myself together enough to go. this trend has got to stop.

TODAY'S REALITY

i hate my life. it was another dreadful day at work. i guess it really was not too bad, but i just did not want to work. i wanted to be at home and cry, not that i could cry when i was at home before work. the weekend was great. the asselta's came over and spent saturday and sunday with us. that was a real lift to my mood, and i had a good time. that lift is gone, and reality had set in, and i am back to work and the house. nothing actually happened today, just a typical monday.

i keep trying to find a start, or a springboard to this depressive cycle, and i may have to be accept that there is none. i just really want it to end. i leave for san antonio in 10 days, and i want to feel good when down there. i don't want to be in a depressive stupor when with nessa and the kids.

A COUPLE OF YEARS AND ONE DAY

i've gone another day without hurting myself. ordinarily that is no big thing, but today that was an accomplishment. i ended up doing nothing. the only time i left the house was to walk the dog, but i managed to stay uninjured. tomorrow i have to work, and we may have company for the weekend, so it may be a busy weekend. i don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. i guess we will know by the end of the weekend.

the yankee's tied up the world series last night at 1. i was hoping the phillies would sweep in four.

STILL TRAPPED IN MY MIND

another day, nothing different. work was uneventful. i got charts pulled for probably the first time this week, and still managed to get the patients checked in. it also seemed that we were running a demerol special today. i don't know if it the weather, or just the addicts are coming in at the same time, or both.

i saw teri today, and she made some small tweaks in my meds that will hopefully be temporary. i need to pull out of this funk. i'm going to double up on the anafranil for a while, and she gave me some rispirdal 25 mg for the morning for now. i really do not want to take these extra meds for very long, i'm not sure i can deal with the side effects. on the other hand, i can't deal with the compulsion to cut, and this level of depression. i want my normal back.

we are supposed to have friends in this weekend, and i need to schedule other things with some other people, but i have no desire to do any of it.

i need to get something i left at my mom's, and i need it this weekend, so i guess i will see her tomorrow. i really should call her tonight, but i don't have the energy.

AM I STILL HERE?

is crawling in a hole and being left alone too much to ask for????????? i mean really is it too much?????? i just want to know, because if that is too much i can try to spontaneously combust. i mean i don't think there have been any reported cases of it happening, but i'm willing to be the first!

it was another bad day at work. i don't want to go back there tomorrow.

so far i only work half a day tomorrow, i see teri, then i think i can run. it should feel good to run. it's just been a while since i've had an episode so bad that i'm snapping at peter over just about anything. the poor guy can't say or do anything right this week.

i want to cut so bad it is unreal. i can practically see it and feel it. it is not an option in my life anymore. at least that is how i want my life to be, and i have to learn to get past bad days like these sooner rather than later. i just feel so isolated. i have no close friends around the area, and nessa has no time to talk when she does call. i could spontaneous combust and in a few months nobody would ever remember me.

A DAY FROM THE ABYSS

the day started with over sleeping, and went downhill from there. since none of the nurses can get in on time i was the chosen one to get the lecture today. i'm tired of it, i'm the only one who can get there on time, and the one time i'm late, i get the talk. no other nurse ever gets there before eight ever, and she takes it out on me. i am getting so tired of this job. ruth is leaving at the first of the year, and i have no idea what i'm going to do without her there. i wonder if she will need an ma at gbmc. i can already read her writing. carolyn made it clear to me several months ago that she didn't want to hear me complain. if i am not happy with my job, i am free to find another job. her attitude is that i am just that replaceable, and she wanted to make sure that i knew it.

i just want to leave everything right now. i hate my life. i hate my job, i feel like i have no friends, and i have a migraine. hopefully i'll feel better in the morning.

UPHILL ACCOMPLISHMENT

had a great run today. i was not in the mood to run, but made myself get out. there was no excuse to skip the run. the weather is perfect. it is 60 with a slight breeze, the leaves are beautiful, no excuse there. this may also be my last opportunity to get in a long run before my next half. i was hoping to get in another long run next weekend, but that is filling up fast. today's run turned out to be great! it had some major hills in it, and i am a total hill wimp. i usually have to walk them completely even after running for two (and a half?) years. i decided to really try to tackle these hills. the first big uphill was mile 3, yes, all of mile 3! there were parts that were steep too. i was so pleased that i only had to walk very little. the last two miles were also uphill, and i managed to run most of that too! the feeling of tackling those hills is unbelievable!!!!!!!!! i feel ready for my next half. i kept up a 12:22 pace on today's 10 mile run. if i can do that with those hills, i should be able to keep up a 12 mile pace in my next half!

the asselta's called this morning to ask if they can visit next weekend. that will be a lot of fun. caitlin is having some major memory issues that are very concerning, and seem to have stumped her doctors. she can no longer work or drive, and has no energy for things. i'm glad caroline warned me ahead of time because it is going to take me a week to get used to the idea of a lower key caitlin.

GETTING BACK

i can't believe how long it has been since i've posted. i have been unbelievably busy. the rest of the summer went well. the district convention went well, the kingdom hall remodel was fun, but exhausting. there were some snags in getting the occupancy permit for that, but that finally happened the other day, and we are in.

the virginia beach half went well, totally dull. i was hoping for a 2:45:00 time, and i posted a 3:01:33, so it was not as well as hoped, but if that is the worst, than there is no room to complain. i have another half marathon in less than four weeks! i excited because i will get to see vanessa and the kids. i don't think my time will be any faster, but i am looking forward to the trip.

the only other thing happening of note lately is that mom had surgery the other day. she had to have a lump removed from her breast. she was in and out the same day. she is in more pain that is letting on, but is doing well, and has been able to get out of the house for a little the last couple of days.

work has been busy, but we keep running out of flu shots because they cannot be made fast enough. when we get more in, i will have to work some extra hours, but all is reasonable until then.

overall life has been good to me.

A GREAT ORDINARY WEEK

had an ordinary week. i have a sinus infection so i was tired a lot, but that is not unusual. i did not run on tuesday. heather took the week off again, so work was very peaceful. i think all the nurses appreciated that. i took today off because this weekend is my district convention. i am so excited, i think, or it may be nervous, i can never be sure. anyway, i have talked to people who have been to some of the days, and they have said that it is a great program.

not running tuesday allowed me to run long today. i wanted to get started early so i got up a little after five and was on the treadmill shortly after 5:30. i did that for six miles. i was hoping to do the trails for another six, but my knee starting hurting on the downhills. that is concerning. i am hoping that a good pair of trail shoes will take care of that. anyway, i cut it short by one or two miles. that will be my last long run before my va beach half. i am thrilled to get that in. after the treadmill stopped on me sunday after six miles i thought there was no chance of getting any kind of long run in. that would make my last long run about five weeks before my half, and that is entirely too long. now i was able to get in ten or eleven miles and still have a full two weeks to recover. hopefully my knee will not hurt anymore.

right now peter and i are waiting for my mom to arrive so we can leave for the district convention. it is in reading pa this year.

WORK, KINGDOM HALL, LAUNDRY

today started as any other day, i did not want to get up. i just wanted to study the back of my eyelids for one more hour. i think that was all i wanted anyway. work was slow and uninteresting today. it was the first time i worked with janai since she came back from maternity leave. she looks great, everything seems to agree with her. it was kinda fun working with tamika and janai this morning. i went straight from work to the kingdom hall site. i proceeded to push a broom for a couple of hours. overall a busy, yet unexciting day.

tomorrow will be my last long run before my va beach half. it is quickly approaching. i am totally excited (maybe). i just hope i'm not expecting too much out of myself. i've given up on having any energy, yet there is still a part of me that wants to hit the 2:45:00 time. that would take ten minutes off my md half from may. that may not be reasonable, but there are no hills in this half, and there were brutal hills in that half. i need to remind myself that it is a goal and there are no consequences if i do not reach it, the number is arbitrary.

i am already tired so i am hoping to sleep well. hopefully i can get up early, knock out my run, so i can be back up at the kingdom hall early tomorrow. the laundry is almost done here, and i'm hoping to catch up on some other house work during the week. there is literally nothing else going on in my life right now, it is totally boring, and i could not be more grateful.

I WAS TOLD TO TAKE MY XANAX

i thought i was doing well today, but the pressure from within just kept mounting. i found myself unable to deal with little things. i didn't snap an anyone, or anything, i totally wanted to. i felt overwhelmed at work even though there was not much to do there.

i saw maureen and she took my blood pressure. it was 130 over something. she told me to take my xanax. i totally needed to calm down. i chose to take her advice when i got home. the rest of my visit with her was uneventful. i can go four months between visits since i have had so few headaches. i fact for which i am grateful.

i ran the trails tonight. i was hoping to stay out an hour. i ended up being out 90 minutes. i got lost and waisted a lot of time. it was a great learning experience. the next time i think my timing will work out perfectly though b/c my detour was just about 30 minutes. my head was much clearer while running.

i don't know if the nerves are from the upcoming race, or the assembly next weekend. either way, i never do well around a lot of people. they are both going to be crowded events. something has me reved up, and it has to give soon because i cannot maintain this level for much longer.

POSITIVE ATTITUDE, POSITIVE ENERGY

the first day with my attempted new attitude. i think i did well. i was able to maintain a positive attitude attitude throughout the day, and had enough energy to get my job done. it was easy in part b/c i got to check in patients, and i always enjoy playing with patients, i can always pull positive energy from them. nothing really happened today, but i was just conscience of keeping my attitude positive. in all reality though, there was nothing to complain about. everything ran smoothly, and everything got done.

i see maureen tomorrow and i expect her to say more of the same. i've only had two migraines in the past three months! that may be a record. i am thrilled about that.

i have a few other errands to do, and i want to slip in a run, but i should be able to accomplish everything with plenty of time to spare.

i think i'm getting bored with running on the treadmill, so it is time to bring it back outside. with the heat lately, that is going to take some thinking and work. they opened the bypass last thursday so that is no longer an option. i will have to find another place to do my long runs. i can go back to the cape horn loop, but that gets redundant after awhile. if it is not too hot i can head to the trails after my appointnment. i enjoy them, but i do not have an exact measurement. that is a bummer. apparently it is not supposed to be as hot tomorrow.

i very much appreciated the extra time teri spent with me yesterday. she didn't tell me anything i hadn't already heard, but apparently i really needed to hear again. i didn't think i expected too much of myself, but she stated that frequently women frequently do set their standards very high, and are hard on themselves when they are not met. in other words, don't be a perfectionist. she also reminded me to give myself positive affirmations, and to remember how far i've come. i should not focus on where i want to go, focus on what i've done. i just very much appreciated the extra time and attention.

RIGHT WORD AT THE RIGHT TIME

today was a brand new day. i got to check in patients in for the first time in weeks. i had a blast just playing with patients.

i also had a great visit with teri. maybe it was just repeating the right thing at the right time. she said, and not the first person to do so, that the fatigue may just be a reality that i have to live with. it may very well be because of the meds. my conclusion is that if i want stability, than i may have to accept this as my reality. this sucks, but it may be just how it is for the foreseeable future. i just seem a little more open to it today. i guess the timing was right. i told her about my visit yesterday and my poor metabolism, and that reality. she also seemed to know just what to say. she reminded me of what i have accomplished, how far i can run, literally, and how much weight i have lost, even with the metabolism of a sloth. she reminded me to give myself those positive affirmations periodically.

i thought i was doing well when i walked in, but she saw right through me. she saw what was going on with me, and somehow know what to say to help me feel better, or to help me draw the necessary conclusions. i take great comfort working with someone with that gift.

overall i had a great day.

NO MORE ANSWERS

had my metabolism measured today, and it is worse than i thought. i only burn 1350 cal/day. as much as i love to eat, and i burn next to nothing. i wanted to cry. i've been wanting to run more, but have not had the energy. i have no idea why i have no energy. my daily caloric intake is not enough that it is not being met. i am eating enough to meet my needs, and then some. there is no logical reason for this fatigue.

I THINK I SCARRED THE DOG

i've been congested the last few days and had to skip my run yesterday. when not feeling well cuts into my running something must be done. i could tell it was allergy related so i decided to get the dust out of my house. the biggest offender is my bedroom. i haven't dusted in there in a long time. the dog had no idea what i was doing. i totally cleaned everything out. i took stuff off dresser tops, and removed the layers of dust that was visible. i even went so far as to recruit peter and have him move furniture and vacuum under the bed, tv, and cedar chest. we had to empty out the vacuum cleaner twice! i hope this effort is worth it, i have a busy week. i also feel that i'm coming down the home stretch for the half marathon for va beach, and i cannot afford to get sick. it is now less than one month away!

we also started to gut our kingdom hall this weekend. we only took 150 seats out, but our last meeting will be tomorrow. i will miss that meeting b/c i have to work. i was very sad that i missed today's meeting b/c i could not breath. with 150 less seats everybody had to sit much closer. it must have been a homer feeling. i am so excited to have the remodel and only have about 177 seats total. it will be a friendlier, closer feeling. we should be back in our new kingdom hall in seven weeks. i hope to have an active share in the remodel. i have a couple of shifts in first aid, and will be assisting in food service and cleaning. those are not my strong suits, but it is where they need help.

CRAPTACULAR DAY

i was just thinking over the weekend how i had not had a migraine in over two months. there is a reason i don't think. the migraine started yesterday. i think it started because i was hungry. i tried to eat something at work, but osha regulations state that nothing can be out, so management had to say something. i still finished my fruit. but between the headache, and the fact that i get no dinner break (which caused the headach) i'm pissed off. it remindes me of the "talk" carolyn had with me a few months ago. the one where i am told not to complain so much, and that i am "free to find another job." on top of all that, heather is going around work stating "i don't know of any drama, do you know of any drama?" i just rolled my eyes at her. she is useless. i am just keeping my mouth shut and doing my job. i just wish i had a friend i could call and whine to. nobody cares.

PHYSICAL EXERATION

i pushed myself today, and i think it was a good thing. i went to bed early last night, but five am still came very early, and i ended up hitting the snooze bar twice. i never do that on a five am run! i was in shock when i realized it was 5:20. my plan from the beginning was to split my running up for today which turned out to be a good plan. we had the circuit overseer today at the kingdom hall, and i didn't want to miss him, or be late for his talk. i enjoy listening to brother jaskowski. i ran the bypass once, nine miles, in exactly 1:48. they were 12 min/miles, even. it was amazing. the hills felt good. peter and i went out for lunch, and when that settled, i hit the gym. i was hoping to get in five, but predetermined to be happy with three. i got to the gym a little before 4 and thought i had until 5, but it closed at 4:30, so i only got in three miles. i thought about pounding out the last two miles on the treadmill in the basement, but decided against it. what energy i did have left peter and i used to take the dog up to the trails at bear branch for a long walk. i am now exhausted.

i am again keeping a food journal, and it had been revealing this week. last week and the first of this week, i had energy. i lost that energy mid week, and missed my thursday run due to fatigue, i just could not make my body do it. i ate a lot more last week while on vacation. i didn't really gain any more weight either. i need to eat more, and do it daily. i get off track early in the week, and just don't focus on replacing the calories i'm burning. i am also terrified of gaining any weight back that i will not give a pound. i need to get over that. peter reminded me the other day that i need to enjoy the journey. i reminded him the weight loss journey is over, but he was talking about the running journey. i still enjoy running, and there is still improvement in my running that i want to do, that journey continues. if my not eating, or restricting my eating is holding that journey back, than i am not fully enjoying the journey. i hadn't looked at it that way. i need to feed the journey.

the meeting was good today. todd gave two good talks. he is a dynamic speaker, and i enjoyed listening to him. he emphasised the need to prioritise in this time of the end. we need to simplify, and not let materialism take over. we need to put jehovah first.

i also told peter over lunch how much i enjoyed hanging out with the family in new york, and how much i miss that here. i feel so lonely and isolated in my circle. i know a lot of people, but have no great friends. i feel very tied down to westminster with the house, but there is no guarantee that things would be better anywhere else.

FIFTY TO NOTHING

not the best day. i enjoyed the morning, and had fun out in service. i worked with olivia for the first time in recent memory, and really enjoyed it. she it turning out to be a very interesting person, but i do think she will be more like aunt eileen than either parent wants to admit. we had lunch with the jakowsky's. they should qualify for full time circuit work soon. they are a nice couple, and we very much enjoyed ourselves.

that is where the energy ended. i need to learn to eat during the day, and even when i'm not hungry. i got full quickly at lunch, so brought half of it home. therefore i had no energy for my six o'clock run with lori. (we ran the trails at bear branch.) i was pathetic. i had so much energy earlier this week, and i'm sure that is because i ate so much more last week while on vacation. this week i'm back to feeling bad. i was trying to figure out what i was going to do for my long run on sunday, but i'm just going to have to fuel up tomorrow. the really good news is that i can have ice cream tomorrow night.

everything else this week has been uneventfull except carolyn has been out this week, and karen is seeing how poorly heather treats alicia. the truth is begining to come out. i also told karen about a "chat" carolyn had with me several months ago which explained to karen why i think my opinion there is viewed as lower than dirt. but, karen thinks carolys is begining to see the reality in is getting tired of all the complaining. we will see.

BACK TO REALITY

mondays are always difficult. today was no exception. i did not want to get up, nor did i want to go into work. work is the same a usual. it is interesting to note that karen is noticing that heather is a bigger complainer than she realized. she is also coming to note that heather is the most immature of the nurses. she is targeting alicia. i have no idea why she wants to get her fired, but that appears to be what her goal is. karen and i had a brief chat at the end of the day today, and that is what she was saying. i shared with her the observation that heather did the same thing with krista. as soon as she managed to twist the knife enough to get krista fired she started in on alicia. heather does not realize that we have a good crew of nurses, and she should appreciate a positive work environment. i just want to work in peace. is that asking too much. i mean really since i don't have any friends around here is asking for a decent work environment asking for too much? anyway, it should be a good week, but i'm tired, and am going to bed. i have to work and run tomorrow. we are going to the kingdom hall in the evening, we have the co visit this week, so much is expected of us.

DAY AFTER RECOVERY

i could not get up this morning for anything. sharon was going to the district convention today so i had to pick up the dog early. i managed to get up at six and pick her up and walk and feed her early. i was thinking i would look over my tower, maybe slip in an early run, and get the meeting. i thought i would be able to sleep in the afternoon if i was tired. the part of my body that existed after seven am thought otherwise. it fell immediately asleep, and continued to sleep for three hours! i woke up had a big breakfast, started laundry, and went to the gym to run a hill routine. over all not a productive day. dinner was made, and there are left overs for peter to eat for the next couple of nights, but i really am a lazy house wife. i have three bathrooms and a kitchen that are begging to be cleaned, and i was able to ignore them all.

i would love to say i missed my friends while i was gone, but since i have no friends, that is not the case.

VACATION--PARTY--WHOO-HOO

I LOVE MY EXTENDED FAMILY. i could not have married into a better family(s). too bad the fun ones live far far away. i could not have asked for a better more relaxing vacation. from the drive up to the drive back, it was totally unremarkable. we made it up there in about nine hours, and no major traffic back ups, found the key to yvonne's apartment without innocent, and let ourselves in. that night, sunday, was the only night that i had trouble sleeping. i think it was because it was from all the caffeine i had during the day. i awoke at five to get in a twelve mile run before leaving. the day was long, but so worth it. i drove to almost albany, then slept for about an hour. it was not as difficult a day as i would have thought. i think i am getting used to the long run which makes me very happy. i am recovering much faster from the long run.

yvonne took as much of the week off as she could, as did ann and david. vahe had to work almost every day, but took thursday off, and tried to take long lunches or get off early. they had been having bad, rainy weather, but the sun came out for our visit. we could not have asked for better weather. since we are a group of indecisive people we did not much on monday, i think we did a little light shopping so we had some food in the apartment. i didn't want to eat every meal out. there were three afternoons that we, peter, ann, david, yvonne, and myself lounged around the pool. it was nice to put on a swimsuit and do nothing. the first day i dove into the freezing cold water so i would be the first in just so i could say i was first. i want right to the shallow end say on the steps, and read my book. i have learned that i very much enjoy sitting on the steps in shallow reading.

wednesday we went to the co-op and marie showed me some of the stuff that is there. i got some whole-grain pancake mix. i am trying to eat more whole grain. yvonne also had the entire lange-barber group over on wednesday night. it was great hanging out around the pool talking to the people whom i consider my extended family. these are the people i choose to be related to, and since ann married david i sort of am. they have all invited me into their family. that is a nice feeling. i miss that. that is some of what i miss about the north country.

thursday we went to burlington vt. that was fun. we were afraid of rain so we piled everyone in the van, and took that over. we did church street, and the mall. there are some interesting stores there. it is amazing that it can be so close to a big body of water, and yet so mountainous. when we were done with that area we went to another mall on the way back to the ferry. we met up with marie and sidney. she was just a few months old when we moved. she is now such a lange-barber. she had the exact same entertainment taste as peter and marie, it is uncanny. it was a lot of fun getting to know her better. however, no trip to the north country would be complete without a trip to the keysor web. that was done thursday night. we had to take two cars because we knew there would be an early group to leave and a late group to leave. i was in the early group, we made it until 10:30. i had a great time catching up with gina and whitney. they know how to entertain. peter and david stayed until after two!

friday i got up early and ran cumberland head. i wish we had a body of water for me to run around. it was so nice. it is a six mile road. the first three miles is by water, the north end is not as scenic, and a bit hillier, but not bad. my time is not as great as i would have liked, but i was not going for time, i went for the views, and they were great. i ran on tuesday as well. i took yvonne's dog misty, and she is the laziest dog in plattsburgh. i had to pull her the three miles on the point au rouch trail. it was only about three miles, but it also had great scenery, and had water views on both sides of the trail. there is no water around here. i know there is some in pa, but i don't know exactly how to get there. i am going to have to find that out.

overall it was a very relaxing trip.

to describe the drive back as uneventfully would be a major understatement. we made it back in eight and a half hours! there was absolutely no traffic, anywhere! i was very sad at times though because i felt i was leaving my friends again. i honestly feel that i have no friends here. i have lived in westminster for 18 years, and have nothing to show for it. the friendships i have made over the years have all moved, and i have lost contact with all of them. i honestly think if i moved a way nobody would notice. i had some great friendships in the north country, and people make it a point to see us when we are in town. i know things would be different if we lived there, but i have a sense of family there that i don't have here, even though my biological family lives here. i have a feeling of friendship there, that i don't have here. if the true mark of a person's life is the imprint they leave on another person's live, then we did more good in two years in the north country, than 18 years here.

LEAVING SOON

had a good run this morning, and hoping for a smooth drive to plattsburgh. we would be gone by now, but peter is dawdling as usual. we are on no set schedule, so i guess it does not matter. we are not going to see his sisters until tomorrow anyway. i am excited.

DAY BEFORE VACATION

this is a day that is traditionally very hard for me to stay focused. today i did not have that problem. that may be because the entire day was very normal, or because we do not leave for several more days, or this is not a big vacation. we leave in three days to go visit in-laws. we will be staying at yvonne's apt. and spending time with her and ann, but we will also see some of our old friends from when we lived up there. i also hope to get two runs in, they are both around six miles long. yvonne is hoping to play some tennis, and she may want to run some of the trails around there, so we will see what really happens. actually, one of the runs in not very exciting, it is just to get in the miles. the other run is around cumberland head and two of the miles are along the lake! i am beginning to get excited about that. i am hoping to have fun in plattsburgh. i actually think that i am more excited about this trip than peter, and that may be a first. he is always more excited to see his sisters than i.

work today was uneventful. i got to check patients in, and i always enjoy that. dr rocha's last patient was interesting. her son had an earlier appointment, and as usual, she was late, so her son had to see someone else. she is always nice to my face, but always rude, argumentative, and manipulative on the phone. her children are always sweet, but i do not trust her. but then my day was over, then my work week was over! i am done work for almost a week and a half!

i saw teri today, and that went very well. i like her, and i think we will work well together. she again reassured me that she is not going to change anything that i am not ready and willing to change. i do trust her to have my best interest in mind. it didn't matter today anyway because i am doing well. she gave me her cell phone number, and i told her my goal is to never use it.

i stopped in at the cheesecake factory and fleet feet on the way home the first for obvious reasons, and the later because i needed stuff for the trip, and they have no running stores in plattsburgh, and i'm not sure about montreal. i am also not sure if we would be able to get up to montreal.

vacation starts now, well soon.

24 HOUR TURN AROUND

yesterday was a horrible day, nothing went right. my treadmill was not working, so i had to wait until the gym opened up. i could only run three miles, and i was hoping to get in five before work. the rest of the morning i was totally tired. i just could not wake up. no amount of caffeine was helping. work was dragging. at some point in the morning my phone rang, it was the nutritionist. they had to cancel my appointment for friday. i have waited two months for this appointment and they cancel with three days notice! i was devastated. i actually cried, that is how tired i have been. in the afternoon i picked up some friends from the airport and went to bed. calling that a day, one wasted day.

today is a new day. wake up with the expectation of working an eight hour day, and not much else. my cell rings again, this time the nutritionist can see me this afternoon. i didn't think much of that since i had to work, but suddenly carolyn came to me and said if i wanted the afternoon off i could have it. there were only going to be four providers, and it was slow, so four nurses should be able to handle it! before i knew it i was sitting in shelly's office learning that i don't eat enough protein or dairy products. i really thought i did eat enough protein.

it was interesting. i tried one of her suggestions tonight, greek yogurt. it is ok, it will have to grow on me, but i can get used to it. she also recommended a vitamin that has a better rate of absorption. lets hope i have more energy in the end.

tomorrow i see teri and i'm a little anxious about that. i've only seen her once so far. i need some refills, and i hope i don't forget to ask her. after i'm getting a slice of cheesecake, and stopping at fleet feet for some gu so i will have them before going to new york.

if i didn't have a headache i would say this was a great day, but it really has been a great day. i am pleased with how things went today especially after how things looked yesterday.

i just realized that after working tomorrow morning i will be off work for over a week. i do not work at all next week, we will be at yvonne's.

MISSING MY FRIENDS

dave and sharon were at the meeting today. i really wasn't prepared to see them because of how mad i am at sharon. lindsay got engaged and married, and she never even called me. people would ask me about it, and i had to hear about it through the grapevine. it hurt. then later, peter is at heather longs graduation party, and he gives joe mcgee my cell number. i talk to him briefly. we never hear from them either. we used to do everything with them, and now we never hear from them. it is like gone and forgotten. i know with dave and sharon we would make plans and they would cancel at the last minute. i am totally an after thought. joe and betty just have a life in hanover, and i think dave and sharon have a new life too. nessa calls me sometimes, but it is usually on her way home from work. she lives too far away. i miss her. i feel i have no friends anymore. i want a good friend. i think that may be asking too much.

i want a running partner. it was fun when porsche was coming to the gym with me, but she doesn't seem to want to do that any more. i enjoyed my run today only because the o's were on and playing well. it was fun listening to my ipod and watching the o's, but it would have been more enjoyable having a friend with which to chat. peter is a great friend, but he does not get the girl stuff at all, and had no desire to run with me. he was a fine running partner in the beginning to help motivate me, but then my persistence caused me to pass him in speed and distance.

am i asking too much?

WEEK ENDING

the ending of the week was about as normal as it gets. i had a great day on wednesday. i had so much energy after my great run on tuesday! that energy carried me through the entire morning! work for wednesday and thursday were uneventful, nothing happened. i did get my lab results back, and they are not good. the hct is low again, and the cholesterol is higher then ever. i think i ate a pint of ice cream the day before, not a good move.

today was relaxing and fun. we went out in service with the chrispens, and had hall cleaning immediately after. peter and i vacuumed. i was lazy for almost an hour, but finally went to the gym and ran, another god run. had a great time on the treadmill. i do need to get off the treadmill, and back onto the pavement. i hope to hit the pavement soon. i have another planned long run the day we leave for plattsburgh. i am hoping to complete that before we leave.

ann called wednesday to see if we wanted to hang out with them today, and we were going to go up there, but then we realized other obligations that tied us to here. we were a little disappointed that they did not want to come down here, but oh well, that was their decision.

i saw cathy yesterday. the urge to cut had been out of control. i made the appointment last week. i needed to set up a short term goal. i see teri next week, and i thought two weeks was just too long. setting up the time frame for one week was doable. i still wanted to cut the entire week, but i made it to my first short term goal. i already have the appointment to see teri next week, and i will see cathy the week after i get back from ny. today was a good day, and hopefully i will have more of them, but it is nice to have the appointments lined up just in case i need them. i am cathy's last patient of the day, she will not mind if i cancel.

FAMILY, FAMILY, AND MORE FAMILY

i have been very busy since my last post. more of peters family came into town, and last friday was family doctor day! work has been stressful, but running has been fun.

bud and vina came into town early due to a change in bud's employers schedule. they were here over the weekend. i had fun hanging out with them, and playing cards. i cooked a couple of times, and for some reason my burgers were always under done. friday they all, bud, vina, ann, dave, john, and winnie all came here for dinner. we got the go ahead at 2:45 that they would be here at 5:00. peter had a prior obligation, so i made a mad dash to giant, and picked everything up quickly. nobody had high expectations of elegance, and all seemed to have a good time. saturday, the boys went to the air and space by dullas, and the girls went shopping, i had a great time. sunday, we just hung out. jackie was able to feed the dog, so we did not have to race home early to do that. we just did a lot of nothing followed by eating, followed by playing cards. my guess is there will be more of the same when we go to visit yvonne in a couple of weeks. it is a shame that she could not make it down here with everyone else. it would have been nice to have all five together.

work has been unbelievably stressful. there has been more work than i can do. they let cheryl go, and i have no clue why. it just seems strange to me. and i don't understand it, kristy is back to work full time. she took a couple of classes and only worked two days a week, now there done, so she is back to her old schedule, but she is going back to school next month, and will have to cut back again. that makes no sense to me. i know she is very useful up front and is fully trained up there, but the last couple of days, she has been working in the back, and is not fully trained. it would be nice to have fully trained staff in the back. i don't think asking for competent staff is asking for too much.

i keep wanting to cut, and it gets really bad at work. i had a long run on friday, and it was not the best run. i did most of it on the treadmill in our basement. i am now convinced that it is in the worst place in the world. it was the hardest run ever! i had to stop and get water almost every mile. it over heated, and stopped at mile 9.75, and i had to do the last two miles outside. those were the best, and the fastest miles of the entire run.

today's run was unbelievable. it was just what i needed. i went to the gym, and ran on a treadmill there. i did five miles in 57:28. i've never done so well on a treadmill, or off (i think). i also feel much better since running. i just listened to music the entire time, and did a lot of zoning out. i downloaded some music recently, and celine dion's i'm alive came on near the end, it was great. i will have to remember that for a power song.

friday was family doctor day. i made peter get a physical. everything is normal. i had a routine follow up, nothing new. trumpyie saw the vet in the afternoon. she is well, but we are still waiting to hear back on the blood work. the vet will not be in again until friday.

TRIP TO THE AIRPORT

working hard to look to the positive, and the positive is that i have not hurt myself. the desire today has not been as bad. i also have been very busy. immediately after work i took sharon and debbie to dulles airport. it was a completely uneventful trip down and only took 90 minutes, but the return trip took over three and a half hours! between rush hour, and accidents the traffic in virginia was unreal. i was grad though to see them off. sharon has done many nice things for peter and i, and she is going to dog sit for us again less than a week after she gets back. i hope they have a good time in germany, and are able to enjoy the convention.

my long run has been moved up to tomorrow morning, so i need to go to bed early. it is going to be a long day, and i am totally unprepared. it is family doctor day. peter and i have morning appointments, and trumpyie's is at two. but and vina are in town, and we have invited them over for dinner, so the only three hour slot to run is way early. i hope i can have the 12 miles done closer to 2.5 hours instead of 3 hours. i just hope i just don't want to cut all day or weekend. i was able to get a hold of cathy and am seeing her next thursday at 1:30 after work. my goal is to make it to that appointment. i have a shorter term goal. i now just have to go one week without cutting, not two weeks, which is when i think i see teri.

i double checked my weight on the scale today, and it really did show a four pound weight gain. i can not get over that. that is unbelievable. how does someone gain four pounds in one week? i cannot have a normal metabolism. i see the nutritionist on the 17th, and am hoping she may have some insights. i know they have a machine there that will tell you how many calories someone burns in a 24 hour period. the girl i am seeing is a sports nutritionist, so hopefully she can accurately calculate how much i burn per mile. i also look at myself and see so much fat. it is unreal. i never minded the fat, because i didn't pay attention to it, now that i am conscience of how i look, i realize how bad, and how fat i look. i would love to lose another 20 pounds. i don't think i can do it on my own, but maybe the nutritionist can guide me in that direction.

my more immediate goal is to get rid of, or at least deal with the urge to cut. i want it gone, successfully gone.

BETTER DAY

i think today was somewhat better. there were moments that were hard, but i made it a point to keep myself very busy for as much of the day as possible. nothing special happened today, in fact it was a totally ordinary day, but i was productive. the charts for the lab results had not been pulled in a few days, so that was an undertaking. timika started it yesterday, but i completed it today. i found every single chart this morning. the providers actually seemed happy to have the results pulled and on their desks. i think they were waiting for the foot to drop, and were relieved it was not as bad as imaged, or, relieved it was done on a slow day. i still want to cut. i still honestly do not know why. i cannot figure it out. the more time i spent trying to figure it out, the more frustrated i become. i am hoping to see cathy next week. there is just too much going on this week. there is no real explanation for this episode right now. i did get on the scales today for my weekly weigh in, and learned i gained three pounds this week. i'm not too happy about that! however, the si started before i discovered that. there is nothing going on this evening. i am hoping to go to bed early. i want to run early because i am bringing two friends to the airport right after work tomorrow. with the half so close, i really do not want to miss any runs. it's bad enough that i'm not lifting with any consistency, i really need to stick to the running program.

i want to cut so badly that i wish i could describe it. it is a feeling unlike any other i have ever experienced. you would think after all these years i would know how to articulate the feelings. it is both a physical and a psychological feelings. there is a specific spot, right now it is concentrated on my right wrist, that i just want to cut. not too deep, but just cut. i'm sure it will help me feel better, or at least make this nagging feeling go away. the problem is that the nagging feeling will just come back, and again for no reason, or at least none i can figure out. there is this logical part of me that knows that cutting will solve nothing, and cause embarrassment and scars. i just don't get it, shouldn't this be behind me? how do i figure out what is causing this feeling? and what do i do about it? there are no magic solutions.

i did download some relaxing music to my ipod today. i haven't done that in several months. i'm listening to celine dion right now.

I WISH I KNEW

ann and david are in the area, and we had a great time with them over the weekend. i think we will see them some this coming weekend, but i don't know how much. bud and vina are coming in tomorrow or the next day, and we should all get together one day over the weekend. nothing went wrong, which is why i have no idea why the compulsion to cut is so strong. i cannot stop thinking about it, or fantasizing about it. i could not focus at work today. it was so hard to get anything done. i don't know how much longer i can deal with this. i have no idea what has triggered this. i have noticed that i feel so alone with my feelings of si. nobody around me knows about it anymore. i've had a turnover of friends, and i've not told coworkers. i have nobody to talk to about this. i wish i knew what was triggering this feeling.

LAST MINUTE PANIC

it has been a long interesting day(s). things had been fairly quiet. i had decided to do whatever with the in-laws whenever available, and not make waves. today i find myself conflicted with that statement, i think. i suddenly found myself off of work all day thursday, so i told peter i can be available to do whatever his family wants to do, but i needed to cancel dr r's appointment. we are going to dc, to which i am looking forward, but i am going to miss dr r.

i think i more worried that i will slip back and become the person i was before i met her. i am such a significantly more stable person now the difference is unreal. there is this logical part of my brain that knows that i will not go that far backwards, i just will not let it happen. if i see it happening, and teri can't stop it, she knows how to contact dr r., it is that simple. the issue is not that complicated. i am just going through a brief moment of panic.

i told peter that i cancelled the appointment to spent time with his family, and he said oh. i verbally chastised his for under reacting. i was upset that he did not appreciate the sacrifice i am making. he didn't even say thank you. not being shy, i told him i was not pleased with his reaction.

i am exhausted this evening, but it is a logical fatigue. i worked until ten last night, then got up a little after five this morning to run early. i thought i was going to work all day. barb ball called out sick, so i was only needed a half day, but if all providers were going to be there, i would have been needed all day. i actually got a later start than hoped, but ran three miles at the gym. apparently i was fairly focused. i only noticed a handful of other people in there, but when i left there were probably 30 cars in the parking lot! i was shocked when i noticed that many cars. there were no classes going on, i did take note of that, i was just obvious to what was going on behind me. i feel like i have more energy that i've had in a while, and should be in full training mode. i really want to push hard so i can get a good time in my va beach half marathon.

MAKING POSITIVE CHOICES

today has been a good day, i've made sure of that. i had the running clinic early, and wanted to get in a long run today, so i combined errands. i woke up early, and to my husbands surprise, i walked the dog. the timing on that was good because less than an hour later, it started raining, hard, and the dog, not to mention peter, hate rain. i told peter that i have decided that i am going to put effort into making the visits with his family, whatever contact we have with them, positive, from my standpoint. i told him that i will do nothing intentional to be negative. i will do my best to enjoy whatever we do. i think he was relieved to hear that, but he has been bumming around the house all day. he said he is just taking a day to veg, and will be back to normal tomorrow. i have to admit, he is entitled to a veg day.

my running clinic went well. i'm not sure i learned a whole lot, but the physical therapist was helpful. he told me what i need to strengthen to reduce my pronation, and stay injury free. the run was great. i've never done 14 miles before. i also feel better than after most long runs. i made sure to hydrate well, and i snorked down some calories right after the run. i think that made a difference. i also went to bed on the early side yesterday, and i think there will be a repeat tonight.

i still need to look over my tower for tomorrow, but i think that is the only thing on my to do list left for today. tomorrow peter and i are taking the speaker out to lunch after the meeting. i have no clue where, but we will figure that out tomorrow. i just hope i can still walk. in the mean time, i need more food. i seriously hope i recover faster than i did after the half marathon.

i say this almost as an after thought. my mind has been good today, no tricks. i have made positive choices, and am doing my best to think positive. apparently it is working. i have restarted the neurontin. i did that last night. my focus today has been good, i have concentrated on the running, and accomplishing the long run, or preparing for the long run, or recovering from the long run, that i have not had time to think about si. i am pleased with that. i don't think it has to do with the med, i think it is too early. my focus has been myopic today, or better yet guided today. that has proved to be a good thing. i listened to my ipod while running, and that created enough of a diversion for me not to think about si. i am very pleased about that.

OBSESSION

it has not been a positive day. i keep fantasizing about how to hurt myself. i was in bed last night thinking about it, and kept coming back to it at work today. work is not a safe place for me. there are a lot of sharps, and a number of things designed to burn flesh there. nothing happened, and i am exhausted now from the xanax i took, but something has to change. i think it is time to reintroduce the neurontin. i have no desire to take more meds, but i guess i have to bite the bullet. if i don't do something, i will end up hurting myself. i've come too far to slide back now, it has been too long to move backwards.

the day itself was good. work was uneventful. i had dinner with my family, and that went well. tomorrow i have to get up early because i have a running clinic at charm city running, then i want to run long on the ncr trail. i haven't run long since the half, but that was only three weeks ago, so i should be in good shape. i've done a number of five mile runs since then, and ncr is flat.

LOSING BATTLE TODAY

another bad day, but this one may be of my own doing. i was hoping to get an early start, which didn't happen. it was nice to sleep in, but it made the morning completely unproductive. i need to motivate myself to do more. i decided not to run today in exchange for a long run on saturday. i wanted to do a long run this weekend, and sunday we are taking the speaker out, so it has to be saturday. this will work out nicely. i am going to a running clinic at charm city running early saturday, then i'm going to run the ncr trail. it is flat, and i can run it seven miles, one way, refill my water, then run back. it should be a nice endurance run. i hope i'm up for it, but the trail is canopy covered, i think, and popular. i should be able to use my ipod, and just kinda zone out.

i saw dr r today. her office is empty, there is no furniture in it. she is really leaving. suddenly i'm not sure i can deal with her leaving. i thought i was fine with her going, then today hit, and this crisis hit, and i'm not doing well. i'm sliding backwards, and the last thing i need is her to leave. i feel confident she is leaving me in good hands, but i've just felt so secure with her, she has worked miracles. i am significantly more stable, and not with myself falling apart, and not knowing what will happen over the next month, i'm not sure i can maintain that stability. i just need to remind myself that it is only a month, and i have been stable for several years now, and no one person, or people can undo that in such a short period of time. i need to remember that i am stronger than that! i also need to take time and honestly morn the loss of her in my life. i know she says she is coming back, but i'm not so sure. she may like her new lifestyle, or they may decide not to come back to baltimore, they may settle somewhere else. it doesn't matter. i am much better off for having been her patient, and will always reap the benefits. win, lose, or draw, ultimately, i'm the winner in all of this, i'm the one better off.

i work tomorrow until 3:30, then we are meeting mom, bob, and earl for dinner. nothing too exciting. i wish i could get motivated to give this house a good cleaning, but i'm letting the depression get to me. i have to stop that. i did get the kitchen floor done today, so the downstairs looks ok. dr r gave me neurontin a couple of weeks ago and told me to take it if i needed it. i have resisted up to this point. maybe i should reconsider. if i'm honest with myself my mood is slipping. i know a lot is due to the problems with peter, and i keep thinking it will pass with his family is gone. i don't know what to do. i don't want to take more meds, and i think i'm slightly less tired off the neurontin. honestly i want to cut more back, but that's not going to happen. i'm tanking on current meds.
back to my original point of this paragraph, tomorrow should be another boring day, but saturday should be different. i have the running clinic followed by a long run on a path that i've never done. i will most likely be totally exhausted when done.

BAD TIMING

i have spent most of the day in a bad mood. this argument with peter over the in-laws has got to end. it is ripping my stomach up, and i really want to cut. nothing is helping me feel better. my day was not a bad day at work, i was just in a bad day. it is hard to enjoy what is going on when your stomach is in knots. i also feel like there is an unusual amount of acid build up in my stomach, and i'm sure it is just stress. i have to let it go. if they can blow me off so easily, i have to learn to do the same. yvonne may come down when bud is here, and it will be nice to take her on a trail run around hashawha, but she in not committed, and they may only come for a couple of days if they do make it. i so do not want to go to new york to visit ann and david. i feel like i'm putting my life on hold for over six weeks just because them might spend some time with us. i'm tired of getting walked on, and they are not even here yet.

my mind is useless tonight. i've been staring at this screen for a long time. long enough to give me a headache. i see dr r tomorrow, but i'm not expecting anything. maybe i am more anxious than i realize about her leaving that i realize. i don't know. there really is no reason to be anxious or upset about that. i am significantly better now than i was seven years ago! if she comes back, or chooses not to come back, i will continue to be fine, i have no doubt. this episode just has very bad timing. my in-laws should have created this crisis a few months ago.

i don't have to work tomorrow. i'm going to take the dog for a trail walk, then go for a run myself. i also want to lift sometime. i wonder if i can get everything done in the morning? i got a good head start on bleaching the bathrooms monday, i could finish them after seeing dr r. anyway, just thinking out loud, i will probably do nothing in the afternoon, or take a spinning class.

i have decided to look more into trail running. it is a different branch. i want to go once in a while and do something different. i think that may be my new focus for 2010. i'm not sure what i'm doing right now though.

WEEKEND AWAY

a lot has happened since my last post. philly was a blast. the shows were extremely funny. the show on friday night, alien factor, was hilarious. the pre show warm up was also very entertaining. the five comedians are funny, and one of the hands, gruber, had been with them a long time, and is very funny. gruber did much of the warm up, and may have been the most entertaining. we also took in the franklin science center, and some of the historical sights. the hotel was in walking distance of everything, even the theater! once we arrived at the hotel, we didn't drive until we left. i ran into some runners at the science center and they told me about an eight mile run along the schuylkill river trail. if i had planned out the trip better i could have done it on sunday morning. i had the time, i just didn't know where it ended, or how to get back to the room, but it sounded like fun. maybe next time i'm in the area. we were home in plenty of time to get a few things done around here, and i went running up at camp hashawha. i think i only did three miles because i made a wrong turn, and cut my run short. overall the weekend was very relaxing. i think we are both very glad we took the time for the r&r. i'm hoping peter can take david up to the science center. they have an exhibit on Galileo, and star trek. he would very much enjoy both of them.

dr brocato is out this week, so i got to go into work late yesterday. i took the opportunity to scour some toilets, finally. they needed it. now i'm down to surface cleaning for the inlaws, and now nobody is coming until july fifth, so i have a couple of weeks. and we will see what really happens.

i had a good run today. i actually had a couple of fast miles, and did some light lifting at the gym. i received a e-mail from dr braman. i heard that she was training for a triathlon. i remembered her address, so out of the blue i sent her a quick letter. when we got home on sunday her reply was waiting for me. there have been big changes in that office in the past year. she is training for the same tri that lori is doing. it was great to hear from her. she is doing well, and her practice is busier than ever. i also just spoke to vanessa, and she is moving forward. since joining the gym, she has lost ten pounds! i can't wait to see her in november.

how things change. peter got home, and things went along as usual. we were driving along to the kingdom hall when he tells me in one breath that he can't believe i think i never listen to him, and in another breath, he says that he told his sister that she didn't have to stay her at all. could you make your own argument. just because i don't bring up a point for a few days, because ironically, i thought he might be getting tired of hearing it, he proves he never hears a work i say. i want to strangle him! i am ready to cancel everything dealing with his family. i do not want his brother staying with us, and i do not want to go up to new york so see any of peters family. i am ready to treat his family the way he treats my family, in two hour increments only.

the urge to cut has been around for a few weeks. i'm sure the way his family has been jerking me around is a big stress. i just have to give up, and let go. i can't deal with the stomach pain anymore.

NOT BORING ANYMORE

things can change quickly. pt and i got into this loud discussion last night. he doesn't understand when his family lies to us and blows us off, or he has been lying to me, and now it is all coming together. i don't know which one is actually happening, and i don't really care. i just know i'm hurt, and angry, and nobody really cares, after all, it is only me they are walking over. peter is certainly not going to stand up for me. his sister who was going to stay with us for three weeks, is now only going to stay with us for only a few nights. the week i took off for vacation to spend with them is not good enough. i originally wanted to take a long weekend and go to new york to see them, and pt thought that idea was needless. he said that we would spent plenty of time with them when they stayed with us. that isn't going to happen. i knew we would not see them when they were in this area, and it turns out that i am probably right. i love how peter called me today with the idea of going up to new york to see them, like it was an epiphany. he made me feel stupid when i suggested it, and now that it is his idea it could not be more brilliant. i want to strangle him. i want to strangle the entire family. anyway, i talked with carolyn, and changed my week off, and we will be going out of out way to see them, like i proposed in the first place. i just wish it could have been done with less drama, and less stress. i think i am developing an ulcer over this.

work was no less stressful. greg was in a mood, and the front decided to double book a chest pain. he decided to take it out on me. i love days like that.

there is a 5k with the westminster road runners tonight. i'm not sure i want to go, but it is probably good for me. i'd really rather stay in and cry and eat, but, i don't want to fall back into old habits. it will also do me some good to see other runners. if judy is there i will have a back of the packer to talk to during the run.

ran the race. judy was there, and it was nice to have a back of the packer to talk to. she keeps a nice pace, and we finished in just over 36 minutes. i was pleased with that time. it is three minutes better than last year. she is from that area, and knew the hills. it was nice to have the warning.

we dropped the dog off at sharon's for the weekend. we will be leaving early to mid afternoon. i wish i felt like celebrating. i still have the desire to strangle my husband. i am half backed, and should feel better in the morning. tomorrow should be a good day. we have a morning in jehovah's service planned, then we are changing our clothes quickly, and off to philly. i just wish peter understood how hurt i am. i guess he wishes i understood how powerless he feels, put that is untrue. he either needs to hole people accountable to what they say to him, and call them out on their lies, or tell me he was lying to me. i just feel dumped on and walked over, and nobody is even here yet. it is only going to get worse when people actually get in town.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING TOTALLY BORING

it's been five days since writing, and i can't remember much, i think that is because nothing is going happening. mentally i'm doing much better. i haven't changed my meds much. dr r gave me some neurontin to take if i want it, but i have not been, and i feel fine. i've been eating a lot more, and have gained another pound. not happy about that, but am overall feeling better, and have significantly more energy. it is much easier to wake up and get to work. we even had a home improvement project to do over the weekend, and i had the energy to shovel dirt for four hours on saturday after working all morning. i haven't run much this month, only 10 miles, but i guess i needed a break. we are going away this weekend. after we get back, i am going to have to buckle down, and get serious about the va beach half. i really want to post a good time, 2:45 or better, so i need to get serious. i am getting bored with the treadmill runs, so i am going to have to run outside again. it is a lot more enjoyable. i also need to challenge myself more when i am on the treadmill with faster speeds, and higher hills. tomorrow there is a 5k run with the wrrc in eldersburg. i am looking forward to it. work this week has been unremarkable, nothing has happened.

friday afternoon we are leaving for phildelphia. we are staying in the downtown area around some of the historical buildings. i think peter wants to see some of them during the day. both friday and saturday night we have tickets to see plays done by the cinematic titanic people. their movies are funny, so we are hoping their shows are equally amusing. they had a meet and greet friday evening in one of the other cities, so peter is hoping they have one here, and meet some of them on friday. it should be fun. trumpyie goes to camp carlson, and since sharon over feeds her there, she has a great time there.

it has rained a lot this month. it is thunder storming now again.

RUNNERS HIGH

i wasn't expecting much out of the day, but it turned out well. i was able to sleep in, and after a morning of doing nothing, i went to the gym. i was hesitant to push myself, but decided to anyway. i figured that i could always stop the treadmill, but it is harder to add time once i've started. i had a great run. i set the treadmill on a hill program, and did five miles with relative ease. i enjoyed the run, and decided to lift afterward. my brother has been after me to lift two to three times a week, and it is highly recommended by runners world to improve running times. i just need to mentally adjust to eating more if i'm going to increase my muscle mass, and increase my metabolism. the bottom line is that i felt great coming leaving the gym! i love the endorphin rush the running can give you. it put me in such a great mood.

nothing else has gotten done today. i still have not bleached that bathroom, and it seriously needs to be done. peter was willing to settle for a salad for dinner, so it required nothing on my part. life was easy today. maybe a mind mushing day is what i needed. i started the day with a strong desire to cut. i left the gym with a much better outlook, a much better mental determination. i'm seriously hoping that i don't slip backwards, but i am enjoying every minute of this relief i have now. i was taking for granite my normalcy. it had been so long since i had seriously slipped, and lost the balence i enjoy. i honestly do not think i'm out of this cycle, i thoroughly expect to slip backward, but for now, i am going to enjoy the clam and clarity. i am going to try to read. i should attempt to explain to peter what's been going though my head, but i'm not sure i can do that. i don't think i can be that articulate, i don't have that much clarity.

i also need to deal with my fear of getting fat. there is a part of me that is upset that i put a pound on last week. it is one lousy pound. i keep telling myself that my original goal was 160. i chose that because i could attain and maintain that weight. now that i've gone below that, i want to stay where i am. i hit 148, and i look at myself, and i still see a lot of fat. when i was heavy, i didn't pay attention to it, so i didn't really notice how fat i actually was. now that i have lost weight i have become much more body image conscience. i now see that there is a load of fat on my body. i actually have at least 20-25 more pounds to lose. i don't know if it is practical to try and lose them, but they are there to lose.

SPINNING

i am totally inarticulate today. it's like if you opened my head up and looked in there would be a whirling mass of everything just blowing around. i am so confused, and unable to state anything clearly, that it is frustrating. the desire to cut is back, which i can deal with, but i have to shave my legs (or start braiding them), and that combination scares me. i went down and saw dr r today and she tweaked my meds. hopefully this works. i'm crashing at the wrong time. she leaves at the end of the month.

she is having a hard time leaving. i know she will be happy once she is gone, but the process of going is killing her.

i sure will be glad when i can relax, and the muscle tension goes away. my back ache, and headache have go to go. we are going back up on my meds, and will likely end up where i was before the weight loss. i just can't win. i wish crawling in a hole and sleeping for a while were an option, but that doesn't seem to be on the table.

i seem to have made it through my shower and have shaved my legs without incident. a task i'm not sure would have happened earlier today. it looks like tomorrow is going to be a slow day. i'm hoping to get to the gym. i really need to start doing some light lifting a couple times a week if i truly want to improve my running. i was going to go to dc, but that got cancelled. my house is in sore need of attention, and company is coming in a couple of weeks, there are also a couple of things i need to pick up at the store.

i have a boring life.

i start with the in-law invasion in two weeks, and i'm not sure i'm up for it. they will be here for three weeks, with everyone being here (maybe) for the last week. if i am exhausted now, i can only imagine how tired i will be when they are here, and we are going everywhere. maybe by then i will not feel that i am spinning out of control mentally.

I WISH I COULD RECOVER

i have no clue what is going on. i feel like i am spiraling out of control. i have zero energy, less then before the half. i've been eating well, and have not run all week. i am hoping to hit the gym tomorrow for the first time since the gym, but it is not looking good at the moment. i am scheduled to see the nutritionist on july 17.

my memory is shot too. i wrote a blog page yesterday as well, but the computer didn't save it, and i have no idea what i had down. i would love to re-write it, but i cannot. i am also losing the ability to work. my focus and concentration are off. that may also have something to do with the fact that i don't care about the job right now. i feel like they are putting everyone else ahead of me, and what i want doesn't matter. i have been checking patients in all week, i am exhausted, my back hurts, and i ache all over. i have no energy for anything. on top of all that i feel like i am about to break. i don't know if i am about to cry, or yell, or attack someone. i really do not know what i'm capeable of right now. i want to be alone, asleep, but i'm not sure if it a good idea. i'm toying with the idea of calling porsche and seeing if she wants to go to the gym tomorrow, but i'm not sure i'm reliable. i put in a call to dr richter. hopefully she can see me, and we can figure this out. i really don't know what to do, maybe i really should have called teri, since dr r is leaving.

i want to cut, knowing that it will solve nothing. it will only make me feel worse about the situation. it has been a long time since i've done anything self destructive, and i want to keep it that way. besides, we are coming into summer, and i want to wear short sleeves. my scars look a lot worse since i've lost all the weight. i was hoping they would come together, and be less obvious, but that is not the case. they look worse.

today was the maryland half marathon, 13.1 miles of uphill and downhill. it was a very pretty run, and at times very grueling. the first six miles were very easy i did them in no time, after that, it turned uphill. from about mile 6.5 to mile 8 the hill was not too bad, it was a carroll county uphill. then it turned steep, very steep! robert had just passed me, because miles 5.5 to 8 are an out and back, and he was cruising, making great time. he said that he was slowed to a walk from mile 8.5 to mile 9, it was that brutal. i would have been fine it that were the end of the steep hills, but mile 10.5 to mile 11 was uphill a very steep part of semenary rd. everyone in the pack i was around was slowed to a walk. i was a broken person after that. thankfully i was also very close to the end, and was able to run a good bit of mile 12. it is a good feeling to have accomplished a half marathon be 11 in the morning. robert posted a good time, but it was at least 10 minuted slower than his frederick half, so, i don't feel bad that my time is ten minuted slower than anticipated. i am just glad the event is behind me. all the worry and fear is done. i no longer have to worry about having enough energy for the event, or eating enough for training for the event. i do, however, think it is a good idea to continue to keep my caloric intake up a little.


yesterday, i had a very pleasant dinner with mom, bob,earl, and peter. mom has been wanting to have dinner at the cheesecake factory for a long time, and i was finally able to get her there. she totally enjoyed herself. it was also an excellent pre-race dinner, and i can never resist taking cheesecake home.


the o's lost, but they made it an exciting game to watch. that is about all that can be expected from the youngsters.

my day is now winding down. the only productive thing i've done is laundry. i am tired, and am going to bed early.

reality starts again tomorrow, and i want to again start writing down everything i eat to track how much i am eating. i think it is the best way to make sure i'm getting enough, and at the same time not too much.

i just checked my chip time for the half, and it is 2:55:02. i was hoping for slightly better, but with those hills, i have to be satisfied with those results. i was about a minute per mile off the pace i wanted, but, things could have been much worse.

i am so nervous. i have a two mile track run in a couple of hours. it is a nothing of a run, and i am totally freaking out. i am so nervous that i'm shaking. it is with the local road runners. it is their first of the twilight series. i like doing them because they get me prepared for the bigger races. they remind me not to start too fast and to get used to the feel of being around a crowd of runners, and being the slowest in the group. i need to leave in about 45 minutes, and i am getting totally, absurdly nervous.

the rest of my day went well. it was my last day of work before the half, and everyone wished me well. i kinda treated it like the day before a vacation, my mind wasn't really at work. i ended up having fun, and talked to lori a lot. she has a big triathlon on sunday that she has been focusing on for months. i wished her well, and she invited me over sunday after our big events for a feast. i doubt i'll go. they tend to drink a lot, and that is not my style.

i had a good visit with dr r today. she is an amazing person. she has been a miracle worker in my life. it is funny to see the human side of her. she is spazing over her move. i am so jealous over her opportunity, and after the dust settles, so will she. i hope i helped calm some of her fears today. she is an amazing person with an amazing opportunity, and if anyone can make the most of it, she can. i envy her and her daughters. if they choose to come back, it will be with a different perspective on many things. i think she will have a hard time getting back into the routine she is in now. she has been of so much benefit to me over the past 8 years, that i hope maybe today i was able to give a little back, she definitely deserves it.

just came from the track. it was a great run! the two miles just flew bye. it was raining, and i met a lady named judy. she and her husband are attempting to get into shape to better their golf game. their goal was just to finish. i crossed the finish line with judy. even through the wind and the rain i had a very enjoyable time. i was actually hoping for a slightly slower time. i really wanted to take the run slow and not tire my legs out for sunday. i did a few things smart with this race though, like not starting too fast, and it has left me very confident of not making stupid mistakes on sunday.

the next two days i coast. i eat, hydrate, and get a pedicure. actually saturday will be busy with the running i'm going to do since i'm taking my mom down to towson for packet pick up and to the cheese cake factory for the pre race dinner. she has wanted a meal from there for a long time, and i promised her this a long time ago. bob can't make it until five, so it will be a litter later than i had hoped. they will probably be crowed by then. oh well, we'll deal with it when it comes.

i feel like there is so much i really should write about, but nothing is coming to me. i wonder if i will be productive at all tomorrow.

i think i'm freaking myself out about this weekend. i've worked so hard for it, worried about it, anticipated it, and now it is close. there is nothing i can do now except eat and sleep. i was supposed to have this afternoon off, and that didn't work happen, so i was stuck doing other people work. work was chaos this week as usual. they need to hire someone, and someone who can do everything. they keep hiring na's that don't know how to do much, leaving the fully trained ma's to carry the lions share of the work. then management doesn't understand why we are stress out. they don't understand that incompetent help is worse than no help.

i just need sleep.

on top of everything else, i'm getting my first headache in over three weeks.

today was full of surprises. as usual i had trouble getting up, and was running around and was going to be late for the kingdom hall. i came in from walking the dog and peter pointed out that we had a huge infestation of ants overnight in our kitchen. we did a quick clean up, got rid of food that had ants on them, but i ended up running out and getting some ant spray, staying home, and cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom. it only took a couple of hours to clean everything after it was sprayed, and the ants have not returned. i think i sprayed the point of entry pretty well, and i think we are going to have it treated. i will have a better idea tomorrow. in the mean time, there is nothing left out. i saw three ants in the master bath, so i guess i will be doing the same there tomorrow.


the other surprises, it that the cleaning did not sap me of all energy. i had enough left over to go to the gym. i ran five miles on the treadmill. i slowed it down, and did 12:20 miles, but i was consistent, and felt well. i even had enough energy when i got home to go for a walk with peter and the dog. we went up to bear branch, and walk some of the trails. the pedometer wasn't working properly, but i think we did about three miles. we would have done more, but the dog got tired. we saw deer, a red fox caring something in its mouth, and a duck with about ten chicks. they also have some cages with injured birds. there is a bald eagle among them. they were impressive. lori has started jogging those trails, and someday i hope to join her. trail running is a different experience than road running. one must be very careful, and the scenery is very different.


i had hoped to get my last real run before the half in on tuesday, but i forgot, i'm working all day on tuesday. i think i'm working a half day on wednesday, so i'll put in three of four miles then. thursday i have that track race, but that is only two miles, and i don't intend to push too hard. last place still counts as finishing.

just got done talking with peter about when his family comes to visit. i love his family, all but the one sister. she is so difficult. bud and vina are coming up and will be staying with us for a week, that much we know. we were told that ann and dave were going to stay with up because winnie and john were trying to sell there house and didn't want the clutter around. now i hear that the house is not really ready to sell, even though we have been told it has been on the market for ablout a year. apparently, since the house is not sold, and ann and dave's visit is so close, they have decided they want to host them. winnie is a controlling witch who cannot be trusted with anything. i am tired of her lying to me and changing every ones plans at the last minute. when they announced they were moving to kenya, i said to peter, that it would never happen. it looks like i'm right. they are staying close to irritate me. i was really looking forward to the family being together, it looks like winnie is going to ruin another family gathering.