ANOTHER DAY IN FRIGHTVILLE

another day trapped in a mind betraying logic. i just want to cut all the time. i have no idea where any good sharp instruments are in the house, but i know where there are some great ones are at work, and it took a lot of self control to walk past those areas today. we keep some scalps on the supply cart we bring into stock rooms. i just wanted to lift one. that's all i would have needed for tonight. not that si tonight would stop the impulse from coming back tomorrow, but it would stop the immediate screaming. the increase in meds is only causing an increase in side effects. my mouth is so dry that i can barely talk, and i am so out of it that i am almost non functioning at work. what i wouldn't give for a simple solution. i feel like i've worked so hard, done what my docs have asked, worked out my issues in therapy, and i still can land flat on my butt. this feels like i'm back at square one. the rational part of me knows i'm way farther ahead than i used to be, but when i back slide this far, this fast, it is hard to remember being any further back. i certainly do not want to remember being worse off, because i don't want to think things could be worse than they are right now, even though the logical part of my mind knows things can get much worse.

went to the gym and worked out on the elliptical. my ankle had been bothering my when i run, so i'm going to try to not run until the half on the 15th. i am looking forward to seeing nessa and the kids. i'm hoping to dial down the running and to cross train instead for 6-8 weeks. my next half will not be until may (maybe). i just hope i can stay motivated without a big event before me. i am terrified of gaining the weight back.

my ipod died this week, so i replaced it today, and that was exciting. i got the nano 5th generation. it is compatible with the Nike attachment to keep track of my mileage, it will take short video, and get radio stations. it will be nice to have the option to get the sound of the tv's at the gym. they operate on radio waves. the 5th generation also has a bigger screen than the 4th generation, and has an external speaker, now i can listen to it without having to hook it up to extra speakers. and it was on sale! that was about the only excitement of my day.

i'm not going to the kingdom hall again tonight because i just cannot seem to get myself together enough to go. this trend has got to stop.