BETTER DAY

i think today was somewhat better. there were moments that were hard, but i made it a point to keep myself very busy for as much of the day as possible. nothing special happened today, in fact it was a totally ordinary day, but i was productive. the charts for the lab results had not been pulled in a few days, so that was an undertaking. timika started it yesterday, but i completed it today. i found every single chart this morning. the providers actually seemed happy to have the results pulled and on their desks. i think they were waiting for the foot to drop, and were relieved it was not as bad as imaged, or, relieved it was done on a slow day. i still want to cut. i still honestly do not know why. i cannot figure it out. the more time i spent trying to figure it out, the more frustrated i become. i am hoping to see cathy next week. there is just too much going on this week. there is no real explanation for this episode right now. i did get on the scales today for my weekly weigh in, and learned i gained three pounds this week. i'm not too happy about that! however, the si started before i discovered that. there is nothing going on this evening. i am hoping to go to bed early. i want to run early because i am bringing two friends to the airport right after work tomorrow. with the half so close, i really do not want to miss any runs. it's bad enough that i'm not lifting with any consistency, i really need to stick to the running program.

i want to cut so badly that i wish i could describe it. it is a feeling unlike any other i have ever experienced. you would think after all these years i would know how to articulate the feelings. it is both a physical and a psychological feelings. there is a specific spot, right now it is concentrated on my right wrist, that i just want to cut. not too deep, but just cut. i'm sure it will help me feel better, or at least make this nagging feeling go away. the problem is that the nagging feeling will just come back, and again for no reason, or at least none i can figure out. there is this logical part of me that knows that cutting will solve nothing, and cause embarrassment and scars. i just don't get it, shouldn't this be behind me? how do i figure out what is causing this feeling? and what do i do about it? there are no magic solutions.

i did download some relaxing music to my ipod today. i haven't done that in several months. i'm listening to celine dion right now.