THE ROLLER COASTER

it has been an interesting couple of weeks. i am glad i have had my workouts into which i can retreat. work is trying to kill me since alicia has gone out on maternity leave six weeks early. they have just decided that i can do the job of two people. last week, for the entire week, they had me checking in all the patients for all the providers. at one point there were six providers! thankfully it was a relatively slow week. i have no idea what this week will bring. i was exhausted all last week, and we cannot have a repeat of that.

the frederick half marathon is sunday. i am totally excited about that. i feel well prepared, and well trained. i have had two excellent long runs, and my lifting had benefited ability to run uphill. i may actually hit my goal time! my neighbor is doing the marathon so we are going to packet pick-up together, and may ride down to the event together sunday morning. that will be nice to have someone to talk to when i am that nervous.

i am pleased with how i have handled the stress over the past month. i have exercised, i have talked, but i have not cut, i have not done anything self destructive. that is progress for me! i know i must remain vigilant, and can never rest on past victories, who know what today brings, but, right now i am proud of my recent success!

CAN I QUIT MY JOB?

i have totally lost my ability to cope. i want to walk out on everything. i'm not sure i should be left alone, but i cannot deal with people. teri it tweaking my meds again. i'm not confident that will help. my memory is shot. i feel like i have a few ping pong balls bouncing around in my head and nothing else. i'm not even remembering things for three seconds anymore. we are cutting back on the neurontin to the old dose because of the fatigue and memory, but we are going up some on the respiradol. upping that med will only increase my fatigue. i have a half in eighteen days that i was going to be totally prepared for until this month hit. i did such a good job maintaining over the winter, that it was nothing going into the rough training. now, it is down to the wire, and i have no energy to train, and i can take the idea of setting a good time mark out the window.

why do people even put up with me? i feel like i am such a burden on everyone.

can i cut now?

FUNK

still in the funk i've been in. today i have had the compulsion to cut worse than in a long time. i had to take xanax at work, and had to repeat the dose when i got home. it is beginning to take the edge off. i feel so alone and isolated in this battle. all the friends i used to rely on to get me through hard days like today have all moved away. i have totally lost touch with them. i miss having a best friend, someone i have this ten year history with. i feel very alone. i want to cut. i wish i could cry. one is unacceptable, and one i am just programed not to do for some reason. i am just lost.