RETURN FROM THE GREAT RUN

ran the virginia beach half marathon three days ago. my time was disappointing at 3:10, but i developed a horrible migraine about three hours after finishing. it has been a long time since i have had a migraine that intense for no reason. they have been under great control for the last year. i did not even pack my heating pad. i learned that lesson the hard way. i have no idea what i would have done if the migraine would have struck during the race. i would have been in the middle of 20,000 people and in agony. we traveled home yesterday, and i was in no shape to drive. i still am having some pain from the migraine. i was hoping to run at the gym today, but am still wiped out from the headache. the positive side of this migraine is that it was so intense that it required a lot of pain medicine, and because of that i noticed no adverse effects in my legs, no soreness, from running the half. i had no problems with running around the office today.

peter was in a bad mood for much of the trip. as it turned out he wanted to go out and listen to music friday night. i suspected that on friday, and asked him then if he wanted to go, i said i was up for it even though i was tired. i figured i could sleep in on saturday morning. he could have even gone by himself if he wanted, and he knew that. there was no reason for him to take that out on me because he made a bad decision, one against what i told him to make.

flu shots have begun. i have out 19 flu shots in addition to my regular duties. yeah! things are only going to get busier at work in the next few weeks. the advantage of starting earlier with flu shots is that the season is spread out over an additional month. october and november will not be so busy this way.

A LONG TIME COMING

today i was faced with a decision that i have been wrestling with for at least six months. dr r is back and ready to reclaim her patients. when she left it totally was not an issue, it was going to be an automatic decision, but a lot can change in a year. i completely respect dr r's creativity and how she had brought me out from a bad place. i do not know where i would be with out her, but certainly not here. the flip side of the issue, i am just amazed at how well teri can read me. there is no getting anything past her. she can see through me, and i find great comfort in that. part of me feels that i need both of them in my life, but that is not an option. i was not prepared to like teri so much. i know in the end that i need dr r to be making the calls when they are hard to make, and i could have used her creativity when i had that episode this spring.

i am not doing well today, but that is because i have the race so close. the heat has been too much for me this summer and i have lost a lot of stamina. i am totally unprepared for this half. i want to crawl under a rock for two months and have someone tell me i made the right decisions when i came out. my two halves will be done, and my decision to see dr r will have been enacted upon.

i guess i'm lucky if this is the worst thing going on in my life.

JULY 2010

it has been all month and i have not posted a thing. it has been an uneventful month. the district convention was good, and my nerves did well despite all the people being in an enclosed area.

i have spent much of the month exhausted, but teri lowered my neurontin by eliminating my morning does, and i have had more energy since. my running has hit an all time low of monthly mileages. i think i put in less than 45 miles for the month. this is very bad timing since i have a half marathon in about five weeks. i need to get in two more long runs, and i would like them to be 12.5 miles. i do not have the energy to do one in the morning.

we took a mini vacation with christopher this week. we went to ocean city on wedensday, came home on thrusday, and went to hershey park on friday. today i have slept, and done laundry. i am still tired. i am hoping that after another good nights sleep i can enjoy the meeting in the morning and hit the treadmill in the afternoon. the heat has finally given us some relief, and it has only been in the mid 80s. there is also some shopping i need to do. we have no grocery's.

it has been fun having christopher around. he is saying now he is staying until december. i'm not sure he will ever leave! he is supposed to go to california for a couple of weeks in the middle of the month, but he is now saying that his mom wants him to go for three weeks, and he does not want to be gone that long. he does not want to be away from his friends that long is what he is not telling me. also his grandfather, who ignored him all but this last six months, is dying, and he does not want the be around a dying man, that does not care about him. he also wants allison to come here and stay instead of going out to california and staying there for a couple of months. christopher does not think that texas of california is a positive environment for allison. lots of drama among the moore-myers household.

the month has been busy with running after and for the kids, but i have had a lot of fun. christopher has made some good, theocratic friends that i approve of. i cannot tell if he is interested in justien, but he enjoys spending time with her and jade, and they are good positive people. he thinks diane is crazy for being a concerned chaperon, but i agree, they need to be watched. they are both going through hard times, and one thing can lead to another very easily.

i have noticed lately that my hearing has been much worse. i am constantly having peter or christopher repeat themselves. so far i am ok at work and on the phone, but it is making me concerned. i know there is a large wax build up in my ears, and i need to get that cleaned out. i keep hoping i will hear better after that get cleaned out.

i wish i had a friend.

UP AND AT UM????????

we went to heather and ben's wedding yesterday. everything was great. they could not have asked for a nicer day. everything turned out perfectly.

i was exhausted afterward, and was asleep a little after ten. i had everything set to run early this morning. the problem was i did not set my alarm. it turned out not to be an issue since i woke up at four, and could not fall back asleep. i was out the door at five. it has been a long time since i have seen a sunrise, it was pretty. i am tired now. i am always tired, and my running has slowed down. i need to cut back on some of my meds. i feel over medicated. i just want to sleep all the time. my running has gone from slow to what feels like reverse, or like i'm in a slow motion pic. this is a horrible place to be in because my mood has been so good, but what good is that if i'm in a coma?

christopher remains in a good mood. i want to talk to carolyn tomorrow to see if we have any summer openings at our office. he could help get caught up on filing. a job is a job, and his mother will let him stay longer if he is working. the longer he is away from daryll the better. he is safer here, there is nobody undermining his self-esteem.

i want a nap, but i am afraid that if i do fall asleep it will interfere with my healthy sleep/wake pattern.

SO MUCH TO CATCH UP

there has been so much that has happened since my last blog both good and bad. i have had the run of my life! there was a morning, a sunday i think, that i got out of bed early and ran the four and a half mile route from my house. it has rolling hills, and i have always hated hills. this morning everything came together, and i mastered the hills!!!! it was a great feeling. now i know i can do those hills. i have been able to run up those hills one time since then because now i know it is possible. perspective is a funny thing, all of the sudden, those hills do not look so big.

work remains work. there are days that i want to walk away from that place, and then there are days that i realize that i will never have it so good. management loves me, and i ultimately have it very good where i am. i am part time with paid time off. management works with me as far as the bipolar goes. they are understanding. the providers i work with have respect for me and my professional ethics. many of the patients know me, and love me. the addicts know me and hate me because the providers use me to tell them no, or that they have to wait. i have also become very good at the skills required for my job. ultimately i enjoy what i do.

my life is good. i am married to a man who treats me very well. i could not ask for someone who balances me any better. he is mr. calm. my job is well suited to me, and i am developing friendships that i hope will be lasting.

christopher is in for two weeks. he will be going to the district convention with us. i suspect he will be staying longer that the designated two weeks. the last time his family asked if they could stay a week they stayed six months. i am having fun with chirs, and meeting some of the friends around his age, and their parents. he has been spending a lot of time at breann's house, and i have come to know her mother better. that has been fun. he has enjoyed himself, and the parents have appreciated having an older teenager around to entertain the younger kids and chaperon mike and breann. they have a pool and chris has had a lot of fun.

i remain tired all the time, but my mood is good. there is no desire to cut. i want to go to bed early, and sleep in every day. this can be a problem when i am running a 17 year old around. the dry mouth continues to be irritating, but i am learning to deal with that. the meds have slowed down my running, but it is hard to tell what is the fault of the meds and what to blame on the heat. i hope to run ten and a half on sunday before the meeting.

i do not know if anything here makes sense, i have a migraine. sometimes too, i think the meds are making me slower. my reflexes are slower, and my thinking is slower. i have definitely not been articulate today. heather and ben get married tomorrow, and i hope i am up to going to the wedding.

i know there is more to catch up on, but i have no idea what it is at this time. perhaps later i can do a better job of catching playing catch up.

QUIT

i am ready to quit everything today. since the last med increase i have not had a good workout, and am tired constantly, getting out of bed is a workout in itself. i overslept again today. i had the tws 5k last night and felt great all day, but when it came time to run my legs felt like lead. today at the gym, once i did get up, my run was horrible, no, that is an understatement, i actually quit two miles early, lifted, and caught the remaining two on the elliptical. i can count the number of times i have quit a run early on one hand, and i have been running for three years. in march i felt so ready for my halfs, now, i have gone so far backwards that i am not sure i can run five miles. i feel ready to quit running.

i also want to quit taking my meds. the problem with that is that i think it would literally kill me, or i would kill myself as a result. i don't want to go back there. on the other hand, they have slowed down my metabolism, caused fatigue, and not i am totally demotivated to do anything. i do not know what to do. i think i am stuck here, in the land of fat and fatigue. i cause chaos without the meds, and have lost the ability to function with them.

am i asking too much to have enough energy to work 28-32 hours a week, and exercise enough to not gain weight (now, lose the weight i have put back on)?