I WISH I KNEW

ann and david are in the area, and we had a great time with them over the weekend. i think we will see them some this coming weekend, but i don't know how much. bud and vina are coming in tomorrow or the next day, and we should all get together one day over the weekend. nothing went wrong, which is why i have no idea why the compulsion to cut is so strong. i cannot stop thinking about it, or fantasizing about it. i could not focus at work today. it was so hard to get anything done. i don't know how much longer i can deal with this. i have no idea what has triggered this. i have noticed that i feel so alone with my feelings of si. nobody around me knows about it anymore. i've had a turnover of friends, and i've not told coworkers. i have nobody to talk to about this. i wish i knew what was triggering this feeling.

LAST MINUTE PANIC

it has been a long interesting day(s). things had been fairly quiet. i had decided to do whatever with the in-laws whenever available, and not make waves. today i find myself conflicted with that statement, i think. i suddenly found myself off of work all day thursday, so i told peter i can be available to do whatever his family wants to do, but i needed to cancel dr r's appointment. we are going to dc, to which i am looking forward, but i am going to miss dr r.

i think i more worried that i will slip back and become the person i was before i met her. i am such a significantly more stable person now the difference is unreal. there is this logical part of my brain that knows that i will not go that far backwards, i just will not let it happen. if i see it happening, and teri can't stop it, she knows how to contact dr r., it is that simple. the issue is not that complicated. i am just going through a brief moment of panic.

i told peter that i cancelled the appointment to spent time with his family, and he said oh. i verbally chastised his for under reacting. i was upset that he did not appreciate the sacrifice i am making. he didn't even say thank you. not being shy, i told him i was not pleased with his reaction.

i am exhausted this evening, but it is a logical fatigue. i worked until ten last night, then got up a little after five this morning to run early. i thought i was going to work all day. barb ball called out sick, so i was only needed a half day, but if all providers were going to be there, i would have been needed all day. i actually got a later start than hoped, but ran three miles at the gym. apparently i was fairly focused. i only noticed a handful of other people in there, but when i left there were probably 30 cars in the parking lot! i was shocked when i noticed that many cars. there were no classes going on, i did take note of that, i was just obvious to what was going on behind me. i feel like i have more energy that i've had in a while, and should be in full training mode. i really want to push hard so i can get a good time in my va beach half marathon.

MAKING POSITIVE CHOICES

today has been a good day, i've made sure of that. i had the running clinic early, and wanted to get in a long run today, so i combined errands. i woke up early, and to my husbands surprise, i walked the dog. the timing on that was good because less than an hour later, it started raining, hard, and the dog, not to mention peter, hate rain. i told peter that i have decided that i am going to put effort into making the visits with his family, whatever contact we have with them, positive, from my standpoint. i told him that i will do nothing intentional to be negative. i will do my best to enjoy whatever we do. i think he was relieved to hear that, but he has been bumming around the house all day. he said he is just taking a day to veg, and will be back to normal tomorrow. i have to admit, he is entitled to a veg day.

my running clinic went well. i'm not sure i learned a whole lot, but the physical therapist was helpful. he told me what i need to strengthen to reduce my pronation, and stay injury free. the run was great. i've never done 14 miles before. i also feel better than after most long runs. i made sure to hydrate well, and i snorked down some calories right after the run. i think that made a difference. i also went to bed on the early side yesterday, and i think there will be a repeat tonight.

i still need to look over my tower for tomorrow, but i think that is the only thing on my to do list left for today. tomorrow peter and i are taking the speaker out to lunch after the meeting. i have no clue where, but we will figure that out tomorrow. i just hope i can still walk. in the mean time, i need more food. i seriously hope i recover faster than i did after the half marathon.

i say this almost as an after thought. my mind has been good today, no tricks. i have made positive choices, and am doing my best to think positive. apparently it is working. i have restarted the neurontin. i did that last night. my focus today has been good, i have concentrated on the running, and accomplishing the long run, or preparing for the long run, or recovering from the long run, that i have not had time to think about si. i am pleased with that. i don't think it has to do with the med, i think it is too early. my focus has been myopic today, or better yet guided today. that has proved to be a good thing. i listened to my ipod while running, and that created enough of a diversion for me not to think about si. i am very pleased about that.

OBSESSION

it has not been a positive day. i keep fantasizing about how to hurt myself. i was in bed last night thinking about it, and kept coming back to it at work today. work is not a safe place for me. there are a lot of sharps, and a number of things designed to burn flesh there. nothing happened, and i am exhausted now from the xanax i took, but something has to change. i think it is time to reintroduce the neurontin. i have no desire to take more meds, but i guess i have to bite the bullet. if i don't do something, i will end up hurting myself. i've come too far to slide back now, it has been too long to move backwards.

the day itself was good. work was uneventful. i had dinner with my family, and that went well. tomorrow i have to get up early because i have a running clinic at charm city running, then i want to run long on the ncr trail. i haven't run long since the half, but that was only three weeks ago, so i should be in good shape. i've done a number of five mile runs since then, and ncr is flat.

LOSING BATTLE TODAY

another bad day, but this one may be of my own doing. i was hoping to get an early start, which didn't happen. it was nice to sleep in, but it made the morning completely unproductive. i need to motivate myself to do more. i decided not to run today in exchange for a long run on saturday. i wanted to do a long run this weekend, and sunday we are taking the speaker out, so it has to be saturday. this will work out nicely. i am going to a running clinic at charm city running early saturday, then i'm going to run the ncr trail. it is flat, and i can run it seven miles, one way, refill my water, then run back. it should be a nice endurance run. i hope i'm up for it, but the trail is canopy covered, i think, and popular. i should be able to use my ipod, and just kinda zone out.

i saw dr r today. her office is empty, there is no furniture in it. she is really leaving. suddenly i'm not sure i can deal with her leaving. i thought i was fine with her going, then today hit, and this crisis hit, and i'm not doing well. i'm sliding backwards, and the last thing i need is her to leave. i feel confident she is leaving me in good hands, but i've just felt so secure with her, she has worked miracles. i am significantly more stable, and not with myself falling apart, and not knowing what will happen over the next month, i'm not sure i can maintain that stability. i just need to remind myself that it is only a month, and i have been stable for several years now, and no one person, or people can undo that in such a short period of time. i need to remember that i am stronger than that! i also need to take time and honestly morn the loss of her in my life. i know she says she is coming back, but i'm not so sure. she may like her new lifestyle, or they may decide not to come back to baltimore, they may settle somewhere else. it doesn't matter. i am much better off for having been her patient, and will always reap the benefits. win, lose, or draw, ultimately, i'm the winner in all of this, i'm the one better off.

i work tomorrow until 3:30, then we are meeting mom, bob, and earl for dinner. nothing too exciting. i wish i could get motivated to give this house a good cleaning, but i'm letting the depression get to me. i have to stop that. i did get the kitchen floor done today, so the downstairs looks ok. dr r gave me neurontin a couple of weeks ago and told me to take it if i needed it. i have resisted up to this point. maybe i should reconsider. if i'm honest with myself my mood is slipping. i know a lot is due to the problems with peter, and i keep thinking it will pass with his family is gone. i don't know what to do. i don't want to take more meds, and i think i'm slightly less tired off the neurontin. honestly i want to cut more back, but that's not going to happen. i'm tanking on current meds.
back to my original point of this paragraph, tomorrow should be another boring day, but saturday should be different. i have the running clinic followed by a long run on a path that i've never done. i will most likely be totally exhausted when done.

BAD TIMING

i have spent most of the day in a bad mood. this argument with peter over the in-laws has got to end. it is ripping my stomach up, and i really want to cut. nothing is helping me feel better. my day was not a bad day at work, i was just in a bad day. it is hard to enjoy what is going on when your stomach is in knots. i also feel like there is an unusual amount of acid build up in my stomach, and i'm sure it is just stress. i have to let it go. if they can blow me off so easily, i have to learn to do the same. yvonne may come down when bud is here, and it will be nice to take her on a trail run around hashawha, but she in not committed, and they may only come for a couple of days if they do make it. i so do not want to go to new york to visit ann and david. i feel like i'm putting my life on hold for over six weeks just because them might spend some time with us. i'm tired of getting walked on, and they are not even here yet.

my mind is useless tonight. i've been staring at this screen for a long time. long enough to give me a headache. i see dr r tomorrow, but i'm not expecting anything. maybe i am more anxious than i realize about her leaving that i realize. i don't know. there really is no reason to be anxious or upset about that. i am significantly better now than i was seven years ago! if she comes back, or chooses not to come back, i will continue to be fine, i have no doubt. this episode just has very bad timing. my in-laws should have created this crisis a few months ago.

i don't have to work tomorrow. i'm going to take the dog for a trail walk, then go for a run myself. i also want to lift sometime. i wonder if i can get everything done in the morning? i got a good head start on bleaching the bathrooms monday, i could finish them after seeing dr r. anyway, just thinking out loud, i will probably do nothing in the afternoon, or take a spinning class.

i have decided to look more into trail running. it is a different branch. i want to go once in a while and do something different. i think that may be my new focus for 2010. i'm not sure what i'm doing right now though.

WEEKEND AWAY

a lot has happened since my last post. philly was a blast. the shows were extremely funny. the show on friday night, alien factor, was hilarious. the pre show warm up was also very entertaining. the five comedians are funny, and one of the hands, gruber, had been with them a long time, and is very funny. gruber did much of the warm up, and may have been the most entertaining. we also took in the franklin science center, and some of the historical sights. the hotel was in walking distance of everything, even the theater! once we arrived at the hotel, we didn't drive until we left. i ran into some runners at the science center and they told me about an eight mile run along the schuylkill river trail. if i had planned out the trip better i could have done it on sunday morning. i had the time, i just didn't know where it ended, or how to get back to the room, but it sounded like fun. maybe next time i'm in the area. we were home in plenty of time to get a few things done around here, and i went running up at camp hashawha. i think i only did three miles because i made a wrong turn, and cut my run short. overall the weekend was very relaxing. i think we are both very glad we took the time for the r&r. i'm hoping peter can take david up to the science center. they have an exhibit on Galileo, and star trek. he would very much enjoy both of them.

dr brocato is out this week, so i got to go into work late yesterday. i took the opportunity to scour some toilets, finally. they needed it. now i'm down to surface cleaning for the inlaws, and now nobody is coming until july fifth, so i have a couple of weeks. and we will see what really happens.

i had a good run today. i actually had a couple of fast miles, and did some light lifting at the gym. i received a e-mail from dr braman. i heard that she was training for a triathlon. i remembered her address, so out of the blue i sent her a quick letter. when we got home on sunday her reply was waiting for me. there have been big changes in that office in the past year. she is training for the same tri that lori is doing. it was great to hear from her. she is doing well, and her practice is busier than ever. i also just spoke to vanessa, and she is moving forward. since joining the gym, she has lost ten pounds! i can't wait to see her in november.

how things change. peter got home, and things went along as usual. we were driving along to the kingdom hall when he tells me in one breath that he can't believe i think i never listen to him, and in another breath, he says that he told his sister that she didn't have to stay her at all. could you make your own argument. just because i don't bring up a point for a few days, because ironically, i thought he might be getting tired of hearing it, he proves he never hears a work i say. i want to strangle him! i am ready to cancel everything dealing with his family. i do not want his brother staying with us, and i do not want to go up to new york so see any of peters family. i am ready to treat his family the way he treats my family, in two hour increments only.

the urge to cut has been around for a few weeks. i'm sure the way his family has been jerking me around is a big stress. i just have to give up, and let go. i can't deal with the stomach pain anymore.

NOT BORING ANYMORE

things can change quickly. pt and i got into this loud discussion last night. he doesn't understand when his family lies to us and blows us off, or he has been lying to me, and now it is all coming together. i don't know which one is actually happening, and i don't really care. i just know i'm hurt, and angry, and nobody really cares, after all, it is only me they are walking over. peter is certainly not going to stand up for me. his sister who was going to stay with us for three weeks, is now only going to stay with us for only a few nights. the week i took off for vacation to spend with them is not good enough. i originally wanted to take a long weekend and go to new york to see them, and pt thought that idea was needless. he said that we would spent plenty of time with them when they stayed with us. that isn't going to happen. i knew we would not see them when they were in this area, and it turns out that i am probably right. i love how peter called me today with the idea of going up to new york to see them, like it was an epiphany. he made me feel stupid when i suggested it, and now that it is his idea it could not be more brilliant. i want to strangle him. i want to strangle the entire family. anyway, i talked with carolyn, and changed my week off, and we will be going out of out way to see them, like i proposed in the first place. i just wish it could have been done with less drama, and less stress. i think i am developing an ulcer over this.

work was no less stressful. greg was in a mood, and the front decided to double book a chest pain. he decided to take it out on me. i love days like that.

there is a 5k with the westminster road runners tonight. i'm not sure i want to go, but it is probably good for me. i'd really rather stay in and cry and eat, but, i don't want to fall back into old habits. it will also do me some good to see other runners. if judy is there i will have a back of the packer to talk to during the run.

ran the race. judy was there, and it was nice to have a back of the packer to talk to. she keeps a nice pace, and we finished in just over 36 minutes. i was pleased with that time. it is three minutes better than last year. she is from that area, and knew the hills. it was nice to have the warning.

we dropped the dog off at sharon's for the weekend. we will be leaving early to mid afternoon. i wish i felt like celebrating. i still have the desire to strangle my husband. i am half backed, and should feel better in the morning. tomorrow should be a good day. we have a morning in jehovah's service planned, then we are changing our clothes quickly, and off to philly. i just wish peter understood how hurt i am. i guess he wishes i understood how powerless he feels, put that is untrue. he either needs to hole people accountable to what they say to him, and call them out on their lies, or tell me he was lying to me. i just feel dumped on and walked over, and nobody is even here yet. it is only going to get worse when people actually get in town.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING TOTALLY BORING

it's been five days since writing, and i can't remember much, i think that is because nothing is going happening. mentally i'm doing much better. i haven't changed my meds much. dr r gave me some neurontin to take if i want it, but i have not been, and i feel fine. i've been eating a lot more, and have gained another pound. not happy about that, but am overall feeling better, and have significantly more energy. it is much easier to wake up and get to work. we even had a home improvement project to do over the weekend, and i had the energy to shovel dirt for four hours on saturday after working all morning. i haven't run much this month, only 10 miles, but i guess i needed a break. we are going away this weekend. after we get back, i am going to have to buckle down, and get serious about the va beach half. i really want to post a good time, 2:45 or better, so i need to get serious. i am getting bored with the treadmill runs, so i am going to have to run outside again. it is a lot more enjoyable. i also need to challenge myself more when i am on the treadmill with faster speeds, and higher hills. tomorrow there is a 5k run with the wrrc in eldersburg. i am looking forward to it. work this week has been unremarkable, nothing has happened.

friday afternoon we are leaving for phildelphia. we are staying in the downtown area around some of the historical buildings. i think peter wants to see some of them during the day. both friday and saturday night we have tickets to see plays done by the cinematic titanic people. their movies are funny, so we are hoping their shows are equally amusing. they had a meet and greet friday evening in one of the other cities, so peter is hoping they have one here, and meet some of them on friday. it should be fun. trumpyie goes to camp carlson, and since sharon over feeds her there, she has a great time there.

it has rained a lot this month. it is thunder storming now again.

RUNNERS HIGH

i wasn't expecting much out of the day, but it turned out well. i was able to sleep in, and after a morning of doing nothing, i went to the gym. i was hesitant to push myself, but decided to anyway. i figured that i could always stop the treadmill, but it is harder to add time once i've started. i had a great run. i set the treadmill on a hill program, and did five miles with relative ease. i enjoyed the run, and decided to lift afterward. my brother has been after me to lift two to three times a week, and it is highly recommended by runners world to improve running times. i just need to mentally adjust to eating more if i'm going to increase my muscle mass, and increase my metabolism. the bottom line is that i felt great coming leaving the gym! i love the endorphin rush the running can give you. it put me in such a great mood.

nothing else has gotten done today. i still have not bleached that bathroom, and it seriously needs to be done. peter was willing to settle for a salad for dinner, so it required nothing on my part. life was easy today. maybe a mind mushing day is what i needed. i started the day with a strong desire to cut. i left the gym with a much better outlook, a much better mental determination. i'm seriously hoping that i don't slip backwards, but i am enjoying every minute of this relief i have now. i was taking for granite my normalcy. it had been so long since i had seriously slipped, and lost the balence i enjoy. i honestly do not think i'm out of this cycle, i thoroughly expect to slip backward, but for now, i am going to enjoy the clam and clarity. i am going to try to read. i should attempt to explain to peter what's been going though my head, but i'm not sure i can do that. i don't think i can be that articulate, i don't have that much clarity.

i also need to deal with my fear of getting fat. there is a part of me that is upset that i put a pound on last week. it is one lousy pound. i keep telling myself that my original goal was 160. i chose that because i could attain and maintain that weight. now that i've gone below that, i want to stay where i am. i hit 148, and i look at myself, and i still see a lot of fat. when i was heavy, i didn't pay attention to it, so i didn't really notice how fat i actually was. now that i have lost weight i have become much more body image conscience. i now see that there is a load of fat on my body. i actually have at least 20-25 more pounds to lose. i don't know if it is practical to try and lose them, but they are there to lose.

SPINNING

i am totally inarticulate today. it's like if you opened my head up and looked in there would be a whirling mass of everything just blowing around. i am so confused, and unable to state anything clearly, that it is frustrating. the desire to cut is back, which i can deal with, but i have to shave my legs (or start braiding them), and that combination scares me. i went down and saw dr r today and she tweaked my meds. hopefully this works. i'm crashing at the wrong time. she leaves at the end of the month.

she is having a hard time leaving. i know she will be happy once she is gone, but the process of going is killing her.

i sure will be glad when i can relax, and the muscle tension goes away. my back ache, and headache have go to go. we are going back up on my meds, and will likely end up where i was before the weight loss. i just can't win. i wish crawling in a hole and sleeping for a while were an option, but that doesn't seem to be on the table.

i seem to have made it through my shower and have shaved my legs without incident. a task i'm not sure would have happened earlier today. it looks like tomorrow is going to be a slow day. i'm hoping to get to the gym. i really need to start doing some light lifting a couple times a week if i truly want to improve my running. i was going to go to dc, but that got cancelled. my house is in sore need of attention, and company is coming in a couple of weeks, there are also a couple of things i need to pick up at the store.

i have a boring life.

i start with the in-law invasion in two weeks, and i'm not sure i'm up for it. they will be here for three weeks, with everyone being here (maybe) for the last week. if i am exhausted now, i can only imagine how tired i will be when they are here, and we are going everywhere. maybe by then i will not feel that i am spinning out of control mentally.

I WISH I COULD RECOVER

i have no clue what is going on. i feel like i am spiraling out of control. i have zero energy, less then before the half. i've been eating well, and have not run all week. i am hoping to hit the gym tomorrow for the first time since the gym, but it is not looking good at the moment. i am scheduled to see the nutritionist on july 17.

my memory is shot too. i wrote a blog page yesterday as well, but the computer didn't save it, and i have no idea what i had down. i would love to re-write it, but i cannot. i am also losing the ability to work. my focus and concentration are off. that may also have something to do with the fact that i don't care about the job right now. i feel like they are putting everyone else ahead of me, and what i want doesn't matter. i have been checking patients in all week, i am exhausted, my back hurts, and i ache all over. i have no energy for anything. on top of all that i feel like i am about to break. i don't know if i am about to cry, or yell, or attack someone. i really do not know what i'm capeable of right now. i want to be alone, asleep, but i'm not sure if it a good idea. i'm toying with the idea of calling porsche and seeing if she wants to go to the gym tomorrow, but i'm not sure i'm reliable. i put in a call to dr richter. hopefully she can see me, and we can figure this out. i really don't know what to do, maybe i really should have called teri, since dr r is leaving.

i want to cut, knowing that it will solve nothing. it will only make me feel worse about the situation. it has been a long time since i've done anything self destructive, and i want to keep it that way. besides, we are coming into summer, and i want to wear short sleeves. my scars look a lot worse since i've lost all the weight. i was hoping they would come together, and be less obvious, but that is not the case. they look worse.