FIFTY TO NOTHING

not the best day. i enjoyed the morning, and had fun out in service. i worked with olivia for the first time in recent memory, and really enjoyed it. she it turning out to be a very interesting person, but i do think she will be more like aunt eileen than either parent wants to admit. we had lunch with the jakowsky's. they should qualify for full time circuit work soon. they are a nice couple, and we very much enjoyed ourselves.

that is where the energy ended. i need to learn to eat during the day, and even when i'm not hungry. i got full quickly at lunch, so brought half of it home. therefore i had no energy for my six o'clock run with lori. (we ran the trails at bear branch.) i was pathetic. i had so much energy earlier this week, and i'm sure that is because i ate so much more last week while on vacation. this week i'm back to feeling bad. i was trying to figure out what i was going to do for my long run on sunday, but i'm just going to have to fuel up tomorrow. the really good news is that i can have ice cream tomorrow night.

everything else this week has been uneventfull except carolyn has been out this week, and karen is seeing how poorly heather treats alicia. the truth is begining to come out. i also told karen about a "chat" carolyn had with me several months ago which explained to karen why i think my opinion there is viewed as lower than dirt. but, karen thinks carolys is begining to see the reality in is getting tired of all the complaining. we will see.

BACK TO REALITY

mondays are always difficult. today was no exception. i did not want to get up, nor did i want to go into work. work is the same a usual. it is interesting to note that karen is noticing that heather is a bigger complainer than she realized. she is also coming to note that heather is the most immature of the nurses. she is targeting alicia. i have no idea why she wants to get her fired, but that appears to be what her goal is. karen and i had a brief chat at the end of the day today, and that is what she was saying. i shared with her the observation that heather did the same thing with krista. as soon as she managed to twist the knife enough to get krista fired she started in on alicia. heather does not realize that we have a good crew of nurses, and she should appreciate a positive work environment. i just want to work in peace. is that asking too much. i mean really since i don't have any friends around here is asking for a decent work environment asking for too much? anyway, it should be a good week, but i'm tired, and am going to bed. i have to work and run tomorrow. we are going to the kingdom hall in the evening, we have the co visit this week, so much is expected of us.

DAY AFTER RECOVERY

i could not get up this morning for anything. sharon was going to the district convention today so i had to pick up the dog early. i managed to get up at six and pick her up and walk and feed her early. i was thinking i would look over my tower, maybe slip in an early run, and get the meeting. i thought i would be able to sleep in the afternoon if i was tired. the part of my body that existed after seven am thought otherwise. it fell immediately asleep, and continued to sleep for three hours! i woke up had a big breakfast, started laundry, and went to the gym to run a hill routine. over all not a productive day. dinner was made, and there are left overs for peter to eat for the next couple of nights, but i really am a lazy house wife. i have three bathrooms and a kitchen that are begging to be cleaned, and i was able to ignore them all.

i would love to say i missed my friends while i was gone, but since i have no friends, that is not the case.

VACATION--PARTY--WHOO-HOO

I LOVE MY EXTENDED FAMILY. i could not have married into a better family(s). too bad the fun ones live far far away. i could not have asked for a better more relaxing vacation. from the drive up to the drive back, it was totally unremarkable. we made it up there in about nine hours, and no major traffic back ups, found the key to yvonne's apartment without innocent, and let ourselves in. that night, sunday, was the only night that i had trouble sleeping. i think it was because it was from all the caffeine i had during the day. i awoke at five to get in a twelve mile run before leaving. the day was long, but so worth it. i drove to almost albany, then slept for about an hour. it was not as difficult a day as i would have thought. i think i am getting used to the long run which makes me very happy. i am recovering much faster from the long run.

yvonne took as much of the week off as she could, as did ann and david. vahe had to work almost every day, but took thursday off, and tried to take long lunches or get off early. they had been having bad, rainy weather, but the sun came out for our visit. we could not have asked for better weather. since we are a group of indecisive people we did not much on monday, i think we did a little light shopping so we had some food in the apartment. i didn't want to eat every meal out. there were three afternoons that we, peter, ann, david, yvonne, and myself lounged around the pool. it was nice to put on a swimsuit and do nothing. the first day i dove into the freezing cold water so i would be the first in just so i could say i was first. i want right to the shallow end say on the steps, and read my book. i have learned that i very much enjoy sitting on the steps in shallow reading.

wednesday we went to the co-op and marie showed me some of the stuff that is there. i got some whole-grain pancake mix. i am trying to eat more whole grain. yvonne also had the entire lange-barber group over on wednesday night. it was great hanging out around the pool talking to the people whom i consider my extended family. these are the people i choose to be related to, and since ann married david i sort of am. they have all invited me into their family. that is a nice feeling. i miss that. that is some of what i miss about the north country.

thursday we went to burlington vt. that was fun. we were afraid of rain so we piled everyone in the van, and took that over. we did church street, and the mall. there are some interesting stores there. it is amazing that it can be so close to a big body of water, and yet so mountainous. when we were done with that area we went to another mall on the way back to the ferry. we met up with marie and sidney. she was just a few months old when we moved. she is now such a lange-barber. she had the exact same entertainment taste as peter and marie, it is uncanny. it was a lot of fun getting to know her better. however, no trip to the north country would be complete without a trip to the keysor web. that was done thursday night. we had to take two cars because we knew there would be an early group to leave and a late group to leave. i was in the early group, we made it until 10:30. i had a great time catching up with gina and whitney. they know how to entertain. peter and david stayed until after two!

friday i got up early and ran cumberland head. i wish we had a body of water for me to run around. it was so nice. it is a six mile road. the first three miles is by water, the north end is not as scenic, and a bit hillier, but not bad. my time is not as great as i would have liked, but i was not going for time, i went for the views, and they were great. i ran on tuesday as well. i took yvonne's dog misty, and she is the laziest dog in plattsburgh. i had to pull her the three miles on the point au rouch trail. it was only about three miles, but it also had great scenery, and had water views on both sides of the trail. there is no water around here. i know there is some in pa, but i don't know exactly how to get there. i am going to have to find that out.

overall it was a very relaxing trip.

to describe the drive back as uneventfully would be a major understatement. we made it back in eight and a half hours! there was absolutely no traffic, anywhere! i was very sad at times though because i felt i was leaving my friends again. i honestly feel that i have no friends here. i have lived in westminster for 18 years, and have nothing to show for it. the friendships i have made over the years have all moved, and i have lost contact with all of them. i honestly think if i moved a way nobody would notice. i had some great friendships in the north country, and people make it a point to see us when we are in town. i know things would be different if we lived there, but i have a sense of family there that i don't have here, even though my biological family lives here. i have a feeling of friendship there, that i don't have here. if the true mark of a person's life is the imprint they leave on another person's live, then we did more good in two years in the north country, than 18 years here.

LEAVING SOON

had a good run this morning, and hoping for a smooth drive to plattsburgh. we would be gone by now, but peter is dawdling as usual. we are on no set schedule, so i guess it does not matter. we are not going to see his sisters until tomorrow anyway. i am excited.

DAY BEFORE VACATION

this is a day that is traditionally very hard for me to stay focused. today i did not have that problem. that may be because the entire day was very normal, or because we do not leave for several more days, or this is not a big vacation. we leave in three days to go visit in-laws. we will be staying at yvonne's apt. and spending time with her and ann, but we will also see some of our old friends from when we lived up there. i also hope to get two runs in, they are both around six miles long. yvonne is hoping to play some tennis, and she may want to run some of the trails around there, so we will see what really happens. actually, one of the runs in not very exciting, it is just to get in the miles. the other run is around cumberland head and two of the miles are along the lake! i am beginning to get excited about that. i am hoping to have fun in plattsburgh. i actually think that i am more excited about this trip than peter, and that may be a first. he is always more excited to see his sisters than i.

work today was uneventful. i got to check patients in, and i always enjoy that. dr rocha's last patient was interesting. her son had an earlier appointment, and as usual, she was late, so her son had to see someone else. she is always nice to my face, but always rude, argumentative, and manipulative on the phone. her children are always sweet, but i do not trust her. but then my day was over, then my work week was over! i am done work for almost a week and a half!

i saw teri today, and that went very well. i like her, and i think we will work well together. she again reassured me that she is not going to change anything that i am not ready and willing to change. i do trust her to have my best interest in mind. it didn't matter today anyway because i am doing well. she gave me her cell phone number, and i told her my goal is to never use it.

i stopped in at the cheesecake factory and fleet feet on the way home the first for obvious reasons, and the later because i needed stuff for the trip, and they have no running stores in plattsburgh, and i'm not sure about montreal. i am also not sure if we would be able to get up to montreal.

vacation starts now, well soon.

24 HOUR TURN AROUND

yesterday was a horrible day, nothing went right. my treadmill was not working, so i had to wait until the gym opened up. i could only run three miles, and i was hoping to get in five before work. the rest of the morning i was totally tired. i just could not wake up. no amount of caffeine was helping. work was dragging. at some point in the morning my phone rang, it was the nutritionist. they had to cancel my appointment for friday. i have waited two months for this appointment and they cancel with three days notice! i was devastated. i actually cried, that is how tired i have been. in the afternoon i picked up some friends from the airport and went to bed. calling that a day, one wasted day.

today is a new day. wake up with the expectation of working an eight hour day, and not much else. my cell rings again, this time the nutritionist can see me this afternoon. i didn't think much of that since i had to work, but suddenly carolyn came to me and said if i wanted the afternoon off i could have it. there were only going to be four providers, and it was slow, so four nurses should be able to handle it! before i knew it i was sitting in shelly's office learning that i don't eat enough protein or dairy products. i really thought i did eat enough protein.

it was interesting. i tried one of her suggestions tonight, greek yogurt. it is ok, it will have to grow on me, but i can get used to it. she also recommended a vitamin that has a better rate of absorption. lets hope i have more energy in the end.

tomorrow i see teri and i'm a little anxious about that. i've only seen her once so far. i need some refills, and i hope i don't forget to ask her. after i'm getting a slice of cheesecake, and stopping at fleet feet for some gu so i will have them before going to new york.

if i didn't have a headache i would say this was a great day, but it really has been a great day. i am pleased with how things went today especially after how things looked yesterday.

i just realized that after working tomorrow morning i will be off work for over a week. i do not work at all next week, we will be at yvonne's.

MISSING MY FRIENDS

dave and sharon were at the meeting today. i really wasn't prepared to see them because of how mad i am at sharon. lindsay got engaged and married, and she never even called me. people would ask me about it, and i had to hear about it through the grapevine. it hurt. then later, peter is at heather longs graduation party, and he gives joe mcgee my cell number. i talk to him briefly. we never hear from them either. we used to do everything with them, and now we never hear from them. it is like gone and forgotten. i know with dave and sharon we would make plans and they would cancel at the last minute. i am totally an after thought. joe and betty just have a life in hanover, and i think dave and sharon have a new life too. nessa calls me sometimes, but it is usually on her way home from work. she lives too far away. i miss her. i feel i have no friends anymore. i want a good friend. i think that may be asking too much.

i want a running partner. it was fun when porsche was coming to the gym with me, but she doesn't seem to want to do that any more. i enjoyed my run today only because the o's were on and playing well. it was fun listening to my ipod and watching the o's, but it would have been more enjoyable having a friend with which to chat. peter is a great friend, but he does not get the girl stuff at all, and had no desire to run with me. he was a fine running partner in the beginning to help motivate me, but then my persistence caused me to pass him in speed and distance.

am i asking too much?

WEEK ENDING

the ending of the week was about as normal as it gets. i had a great day on wednesday. i had so much energy after my great run on tuesday! that energy carried me through the entire morning! work for wednesday and thursday were uneventful, nothing happened. i did get my lab results back, and they are not good. the hct is low again, and the cholesterol is higher then ever. i think i ate a pint of ice cream the day before, not a good move.

today was relaxing and fun. we went out in service with the chrispens, and had hall cleaning immediately after. peter and i vacuumed. i was lazy for almost an hour, but finally went to the gym and ran, another god run. had a great time on the treadmill. i do need to get off the treadmill, and back onto the pavement. i hope to hit the pavement soon. i have another planned long run the day we leave for plattsburgh. i am hoping to complete that before we leave.

ann called wednesday to see if we wanted to hang out with them today, and we were going to go up there, but then we realized other obligations that tied us to here. we were a little disappointed that they did not want to come down here, but oh well, that was their decision.

i saw cathy yesterday. the urge to cut had been out of control. i made the appointment last week. i needed to set up a short term goal. i see teri next week, and i thought two weeks was just too long. setting up the time frame for one week was doable. i still wanted to cut the entire week, but i made it to my first short term goal. i already have the appointment to see teri next week, and i will see cathy the week after i get back from ny. today was a good day, and hopefully i will have more of them, but it is nice to have the appointments lined up just in case i need them. i am cathy's last patient of the day, she will not mind if i cancel.

FAMILY, FAMILY, AND MORE FAMILY

i have been very busy since my last post. more of peters family came into town, and last friday was family doctor day! work has been stressful, but running has been fun.

bud and vina came into town early due to a change in bud's employers schedule. they were here over the weekend. i had fun hanging out with them, and playing cards. i cooked a couple of times, and for some reason my burgers were always under done. friday they all, bud, vina, ann, dave, john, and winnie all came here for dinner. we got the go ahead at 2:45 that they would be here at 5:00. peter had a prior obligation, so i made a mad dash to giant, and picked everything up quickly. nobody had high expectations of elegance, and all seemed to have a good time. saturday, the boys went to the air and space by dullas, and the girls went shopping, i had a great time. sunday, we just hung out. jackie was able to feed the dog, so we did not have to race home early to do that. we just did a lot of nothing followed by eating, followed by playing cards. my guess is there will be more of the same when we go to visit yvonne in a couple of weeks. it is a shame that she could not make it down here with everyone else. it would have been nice to have all five together.

work has been unbelievably stressful. there has been more work than i can do. they let cheryl go, and i have no clue why. it just seems strange to me. and i don't understand it, kristy is back to work full time. she took a couple of classes and only worked two days a week, now there done, so she is back to her old schedule, but she is going back to school next month, and will have to cut back again. that makes no sense to me. i know she is very useful up front and is fully trained up there, but the last couple of days, she has been working in the back, and is not fully trained. it would be nice to have fully trained staff in the back. i don't think asking for competent staff is asking for too much.

i keep wanting to cut, and it gets really bad at work. i had a long run on friday, and it was not the best run. i did most of it on the treadmill in our basement. i am now convinced that it is in the worst place in the world. it was the hardest run ever! i had to stop and get water almost every mile. it over heated, and stopped at mile 9.75, and i had to do the last two miles outside. those were the best, and the fastest miles of the entire run.

today's run was unbelievable. it was just what i needed. i went to the gym, and ran on a treadmill there. i did five miles in 57:28. i've never done so well on a treadmill, or off (i think). i also feel much better since running. i just listened to music the entire time, and did a lot of zoning out. i downloaded some music recently, and celine dion's i'm alive came on near the end, it was great. i will have to remember that for a power song.

friday was family doctor day. i made peter get a physical. everything is normal. i had a routine follow up, nothing new. trumpyie saw the vet in the afternoon. she is well, but we are still waiting to hear back on the blood work. the vet will not be in again until friday.

TRIP TO THE AIRPORT

working hard to look to the positive, and the positive is that i have not hurt myself. the desire today has not been as bad. i also have been very busy. immediately after work i took sharon and debbie to dulles airport. it was a completely uneventful trip down and only took 90 minutes, but the return trip took over three and a half hours! between rush hour, and accidents the traffic in virginia was unreal. i was grad though to see them off. sharon has done many nice things for peter and i, and she is going to dog sit for us again less than a week after she gets back. i hope they have a good time in germany, and are able to enjoy the convention.

my long run has been moved up to tomorrow morning, so i need to go to bed early. it is going to be a long day, and i am totally unprepared. it is family doctor day. peter and i have morning appointments, and trumpyie's is at two. but and vina are in town, and we have invited them over for dinner, so the only three hour slot to run is way early. i hope i can have the 12 miles done closer to 2.5 hours instead of 3 hours. i just hope i just don't want to cut all day or weekend. i was able to get a hold of cathy and am seeing her next thursday at 1:30 after work. my goal is to make it to that appointment. i have a shorter term goal. i now just have to go one week without cutting, not two weeks, which is when i think i see teri.

i double checked my weight on the scale today, and it really did show a four pound weight gain. i can not get over that. that is unbelievable. how does someone gain four pounds in one week? i cannot have a normal metabolism. i see the nutritionist on the 17th, and am hoping she may have some insights. i know they have a machine there that will tell you how many calories someone burns in a 24 hour period. the girl i am seeing is a sports nutritionist, so hopefully she can accurately calculate how much i burn per mile. i also look at myself and see so much fat. it is unreal. i never minded the fat, because i didn't pay attention to it, now that i am conscience of how i look, i realize how bad, and how fat i look. i would love to lose another 20 pounds. i don't think i can do it on my own, but maybe the nutritionist can guide me in that direction.

my more immediate goal is to get rid of, or at least deal with the urge to cut. i want it gone, successfully gone.

BETTER DAY

i think today was somewhat better. there were moments that were hard, but i made it a point to keep myself very busy for as much of the day as possible. nothing special happened today, in fact it was a totally ordinary day, but i was productive. the charts for the lab results had not been pulled in a few days, so that was an undertaking. timika started it yesterday, but i completed it today. i found every single chart this morning. the providers actually seemed happy to have the results pulled and on their desks. i think they were waiting for the foot to drop, and were relieved it was not as bad as imaged, or, relieved it was done on a slow day. i still want to cut. i still honestly do not know why. i cannot figure it out. the more time i spent trying to figure it out, the more frustrated i become. i am hoping to see cathy next week. there is just too much going on this week. there is no real explanation for this episode right now. i did get on the scales today for my weekly weigh in, and learned i gained three pounds this week. i'm not too happy about that! however, the si started before i discovered that. there is nothing going on this evening. i am hoping to go to bed early. i want to run early because i am bringing two friends to the airport right after work tomorrow. with the half so close, i really do not want to miss any runs. it's bad enough that i'm not lifting with any consistency, i really need to stick to the running program.

i want to cut so badly that i wish i could describe it. it is a feeling unlike any other i have ever experienced. you would think after all these years i would know how to articulate the feelings. it is both a physical and a psychological feelings. there is a specific spot, right now it is concentrated on my right wrist, that i just want to cut. not too deep, but just cut. i'm sure it will help me feel better, or at least make this nagging feeling go away. the problem is that the nagging feeling will just come back, and again for no reason, or at least none i can figure out. there is this logical part of me that knows that cutting will solve nothing, and cause embarrassment and scars. i just don't get it, shouldn't this be behind me? how do i figure out what is causing this feeling? and what do i do about it? there are no magic solutions.

i did download some relaxing music to my ipod today. i haven't done that in several months. i'm listening to celine dion right now.