A COUPLE OF YEARS AND ONE DAY

i've gone another day without hurting myself. ordinarily that is no big thing, but today that was an accomplishment. i ended up doing nothing. the only time i left the house was to walk the dog, but i managed to stay uninjured. tomorrow i have to work, and we may have company for the weekend, so it may be a busy weekend. i don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. i guess we will know by the end of the weekend.

the yankee's tied up the world series last night at 1. i was hoping the phillies would sweep in four.

STILL TRAPPED IN MY MIND

another day, nothing different. work was uneventful. i got charts pulled for probably the first time this week, and still managed to get the patients checked in. it also seemed that we were running a demerol special today. i don't know if it the weather, or just the addicts are coming in at the same time, or both.

i saw teri today, and she made some small tweaks in my meds that will hopefully be temporary. i need to pull out of this funk. i'm going to double up on the anafranil for a while, and she gave me some rispirdal 25 mg for the morning for now. i really do not want to take these extra meds for very long, i'm not sure i can deal with the side effects. on the other hand, i can't deal with the compulsion to cut, and this level of depression. i want my normal back.

we are supposed to have friends in this weekend, and i need to schedule other things with some other people, but i have no desire to do any of it.

i need to get something i left at my mom's, and i need it this weekend, so i guess i will see her tomorrow. i really should call her tonight, but i don't have the energy.

AM I STILL HERE?

is crawling in a hole and being left alone too much to ask for????????? i mean really is it too much?????? i just want to know, because if that is too much i can try to spontaneously combust. i mean i don't think there have been any reported cases of it happening, but i'm willing to be the first!

it was another bad day at work. i don't want to go back there tomorrow.

so far i only work half a day tomorrow, i see teri, then i think i can run. it should feel good to run. it's just been a while since i've had an episode so bad that i'm snapping at peter over just about anything. the poor guy can't say or do anything right this week.

i want to cut so bad it is unreal. i can practically see it and feel it. it is not an option in my life anymore. at least that is how i want my life to be, and i have to learn to get past bad days like these sooner rather than later. i just feel so isolated. i have no close friends around the area, and nessa has no time to talk when she does call. i could spontaneous combust and in a few months nobody would ever remember me.

A DAY FROM THE ABYSS

the day started with over sleeping, and went downhill from there. since none of the nurses can get in on time i was the chosen one to get the lecture today. i'm tired of it, i'm the only one who can get there on time, and the one time i'm late, i get the talk. no other nurse ever gets there before eight ever, and she takes it out on me. i am getting so tired of this job. ruth is leaving at the first of the year, and i have no idea what i'm going to do without her there. i wonder if she will need an ma at gbmc. i can already read her writing. carolyn made it clear to me several months ago that she didn't want to hear me complain. if i am not happy with my job, i am free to find another job. her attitude is that i am just that replaceable, and she wanted to make sure that i knew it.

i just want to leave everything right now. i hate my life. i hate my job, i feel like i have no friends, and i have a migraine. hopefully i'll feel better in the morning.

UPHILL ACCOMPLISHMENT

had a great run today. i was not in the mood to run, but made myself get out. there was no excuse to skip the run. the weather is perfect. it is 60 with a slight breeze, the leaves are beautiful, no excuse there. this may also be my last opportunity to get in a long run before my next half. i was hoping to get in another long run next weekend, but that is filling up fast. today's run turned out to be great! it had some major hills in it, and i am a total hill wimp. i usually have to walk them completely even after running for two (and a half?) years. i decided to really try to tackle these hills. the first big uphill was mile 3, yes, all of mile 3! there were parts that were steep too. i was so pleased that i only had to walk very little. the last two miles were also uphill, and i managed to run most of that too! the feeling of tackling those hills is unbelievable!!!!!!!!! i feel ready for my next half. i kept up a 12:22 pace on today's 10 mile run. if i can do that with those hills, i should be able to keep up a 12 mile pace in my next half!

the asselta's called this morning to ask if they can visit next weekend. that will be a lot of fun. caitlin is having some major memory issues that are very concerning, and seem to have stumped her doctors. she can no longer work or drive, and has no energy for things. i'm glad caroline warned me ahead of time because it is going to take me a week to get used to the idea of a lower key caitlin.

GETTING BACK

i can't believe how long it has been since i've posted. i have been unbelievably busy. the rest of the summer went well. the district convention went well, the kingdom hall remodel was fun, but exhausting. there were some snags in getting the occupancy permit for that, but that finally happened the other day, and we are in.

the virginia beach half went well, totally dull. i was hoping for a 2:45:00 time, and i posted a 3:01:33, so it was not as well as hoped, but if that is the worst, than there is no room to complain. i have another half marathon in less than four weeks! i excited because i will get to see vanessa and the kids. i don't think my time will be any faster, but i am looking forward to the trip.

the only other thing happening of note lately is that mom had surgery the other day. she had to have a lump removed from her breast. she was in and out the same day. she is in more pain that is letting on, but is doing well, and has been able to get out of the house for a little the last couple of days.

work has been busy, but we keep running out of flu shots because they cannot be made fast enough. when we get more in, i will have to work some extra hours, but all is reasonable until then.

overall life has been good to me.