MAYBE BACK TO ROUTINE

today, and the past couple of days have been good days. nothing special have made them good, in fact they have been very routine. i just have not been obsessive about anything. that is a great relief. teri doubled my anafrinal, and it appears to be helping.

peter installed a screen door on the front of the house yesterday! after eight years of asking, he did it. i am so excited. we now can have light in that corner, and better air flow downstairs. i love light. tony bartlette did most of the work, and we took him and maria out to dinner last night. overall it was a good day.

i had to work yesterday. it is memorial day weekend, and i thought it would be slow, i thought wrong. we were extremely busy. ben even sent two people to the hospital. there were refills galore. there was plenty of work to keep everyone occupied the entire four hours we were open.

i was able to do a little bit of reading yesterday! it was the first time i was able to concentrate well enough to read in months! i was thrilled, ecstatic even. it was an awake magazine. i was able to read it from cover to cover, and even start the latest watchtower. i may even be able to finish that today and start a book! i cannot remember the last time i was able to pick up a book. maybe i am getting ahead of myself, but i can foresee the concentration coming back. the dry mouth is not fun, but the trade off may be worth the inconvenience.

A BETTER DAY

today is/was a new day. i am glad i did not do anything yesterday that i regret. since two providers had the day off, i was given a bonus day off. i was totally non productive. i was shocked to realize that it was noon when i got out of bed. i kept trying to get up earlier, but my body would not let me. it just was not happening.

i wish i could say that i cleaned the house, or did something useful, but that is not the case. the most productive thing i did was walk the dog. i did some shopping, then went to the gym. i did a short elliptical run, then lifted. i am enjoying lifting more and more. there was also the first race in the twilight series with the westminster road runners. it was just a two miler. i finished last, but i showed up, and finished. i also met some others runners, some new to running, some who have been running for over twenty years. despite the heat, i enjoyed myself.

i stopped in at michael's today to pick up some bandannas for running, and also purchased some markers and something to color. i am hoping it will give my hands something to do when they want to be self destructive. i need a better place to go to when i am in that mind frame. yesterday was not a good day, and i do not care to repeat it, but i think i will, and soon. work it trying to kill me by having me continually do the work of two people. i am not able to run on days i work because i am so tired. i need to find an acceptable outlet.

teri gave me a couple of positive affirmations a few months ago. i pulled them out and looked at them today. one of them reminds me to give myself permission to not be perfect. i have to remember that. not all days are going to be good days. my head is going to betray me sometimes. i need to always remember that things turn back around, good days exist.

i see teri tomorrow. i wonder what else the day will bring.

STEP BACKWARD

this week has not been a good week. i have been fighting the inner demons all week, and i think i am losing. i actually grabbed some of the good, sharp lancets from work today and brought them home with me, and if that were not bad enough, i had to stop at the store on the way home, so i picked up a utility knife. how could i have taken this reverse step? nothing is wrong, nothing is triggering me, there is no reason for this to be happening. i hate my illness. i feel that i have no control over my life, or anything else for that matter. i am tired of living this way.

i frequently think there are five ping-pong balls bouncing around in my head. they all hit each other and the sides of my head constantly causing chaos. they never allow for a complete thought, or a quiet moment, i am incapable of accomplishing much in reality. i think i do a good job of giving the illusion that i finish tasks, but it is not a reality. at work, my tasks only require a 30 second attention span, or they do not get done, running is difficult, and once i start out, i have to get home somehow, and i have not attempted reading in a long time. i am not sure how long i can live this way.

i was so positive at the beginning of the month, and now i feel like i am in a hole of which i can not see the way out. i wish i could cry, i wish i knew about what i was so upset. nothing is making sense.

i am exhausted. work remains physically demanding, and i have forgotten how exhausting fighting the strong self destructive compulsions can be. it has been a long time since i have thought about going to bed when the sun was still out. i am so mentally wired, the ping-pong balls are flying, i am not sure if i could sleep. i took some xanax so hopefully that will help.

GOOD VS EVIL

i need to blog more when things are good. i usually do not do that because my life is very mundane and boring, but that can be good. sometimes when i have bad days i forget that most days are good. i have a good life. i have everything i need, and most of my wants, my husband treats me well, and our marriage is probably better than mosts, i have a job that i enjoy much of the time, (although the office politicking right now is a bit much), i have a hobby i enjoy, the money to invest in that hobby, and i have the wisdom to know this. that is more that many people, i think. i need to focus on this on my bad days. i say all this because i think i'm going crazy. my memory is gone. i was at a store and the associate helping me went in the back to see if they had the part i needed. i totally forgot what he looked like. when he came out, i had no idea who this man was who was talking to me, thankfully i remembered why i was in the store, and he stayed on subject. if he would not have been right to the point i would have been lost, more lost. stuff like that is happening more often. i have no short term memory. if i went back to the store today, i think i would recognize that sales associate, maybe.

i don't know if it is things happening like that of if it is now that is short sleeve weather, and i am so conscience of the appearance of my arms, but i have had thoughts of cutting lately. the compulsion had hit me from nowhere and at times been strong. i have almost given in. this is why i say i need to blog in good times. in a bad moment i need to go back and read and see that most of the times are not absorbed with the cutting compulsion. that would have been nice to have two nights ago. i surprised myself by actually thinking if i had any weapons in the house. i found myself daydreaming about injuring myself! when i realized what i was doing i abruptly changed what i was doing, to what i don't know anymore, but i had to change my frame of mind.

i was hoping most of that was behind me, and i think the worst of it is, but i guess it is up to me. i have the skills now to deal with the impulse, i am well medicated, and i have a support system in place. i have what i need not to fail. it is up to me to use the them. i also need to remember that it is a trap, an addiction. once i start back on that path, i make it hard to get back to where i am now.

i think people think that exercise has replaced all the bad thoughts i used to have. there may be some truth to that,i don't think that is completely accurate. i am not sure i have not replaced one form of self injury with another form of self torture. i am writing this shortly after a ten mile run. a rough run. it is uphill the first half, and the humidity was 78% today. i do very little thinking on my runs. i concentrate mostly on my running, and how much i hate hills. today was a little different. around mile three i started thinking about injuring myself. i did not think about it for long, i made a conscience choice to push it out. my mind when back to the hill i was attempting to run up. is that how i am punishing myself now? i hate hills! there is no escaping hills around here. i am trying to accept hills as a challenge. they will make me stronger. i am lifting weights in the gym in an effort to make the hills easier. it is working, but i still hate hills. my time today reflected how poorly i do on hills. i ran 13 min/mile instead of 12 min/mile. i felt every minute. maybe it was the humidity, and the fact it is allergy season. i was having a little trouble breathing. maybe it was actually a really great run if you factor in the pollen and humidity. maybe i should look at my run from a different perspective. too bad today is not a good day.

i really need to blog more on good days.

STAYING OUT OF TROUBLE

another boring week in a boring life. i think boring is good though.

i have not gotten into, or caused, any trouble. i am proud of that fact!

work has been uneventful, although i continue to do the work of two people.

i did have a monster migraine on monday and had to call out sick from work. it had been over two years since i had a sick day from work. i have had a migraine every day since, but nowhere near the intensity as monday. i am grateful for that.

i am attempting to run more outside, and less on the treadmill. when i am on the treadmill i never use the hill setting, and never experience hill resistance. it takes away from half training. the only time i was training outside was on my long run. i have been outside running twice this week, and it has been great. the hills are no fun, but the benefit is remarkable. friday i struggled with little hills, but today i had a long steep hill, and i tackled it better then ever! i felt strong running that route today. it was nice to be outside.

my weeks are busy, time is flying by. i am doing more in the congregation, i am trying to exercise more (gotta lose the ten pounds i put back on). i am tired a lot.

teri has me feeling as back to normal as i am going to get. THANK YOU!!!!!! i like being out of trouble.

RACE DAY

today was the frederick half marathon. i have never felt so prepared for a half before, physically, i was ready. the weather was calling for hot and humid, which were conditions that are totally foreign to me. all my training has been in cold, snow, and wind, that i am used to. i just told myself to stay positive no matter what goes on. i was right on pace for the first five miles, but had stitches. still i manages to stay positive. i enjoyed going through downtown and passing by several landmarks i took for grant growing up. it was a very nostalgic run for me. i got a little negative around mile six. i put on my ipod, since this race allowed them, and pushed forward, again enjoying the scenery. i even got to pass my old high school! the problem came after mile eight. i needed to catch my breath from the humidity, so i walked. i walked again at an uphill for a water station, no problem. i was running the downhills, and walking the uphills, not that they were that steep. shortly after the mile nine water station i developed cramps in my calves. that has never, ever, happened to me in the three years i have been running! every time i went to run after that the cramping was worse. i ended up walking the last five miles. my time tanked, and i posted a 3:10, not the 2:45 i wanted, but nothing stopped me from finishing.

today was a victory! i stayed positive the entire time i was out on the course, and since i have been off the course. i didn't let anyone's negative talk around me get me down. i through my hands up in the air and whooped and hollered at mile 12. over all, i had a lot of fun out there on the course today! i have already entered two more, one in september, and one in october. i can't wait for them. i am also considering one next month, but am not sure. i just know that today was a huge victory for me! i hope i can remember today, and carry it with me in the future. there are many days that a positive attitude will make a difference in how i remember things.

since i've been home i've been hydrating, but not hungry, so not eating much. it will be interesting to see if i have a ravenous appetite tomorrow or the next day.