LOSING BATTLE TODAY

another bad day, but this one may be of my own doing. i was hoping to get an early start, which didn't happen. it was nice to sleep in, but it made the morning completely unproductive. i need to motivate myself to do more. i decided not to run today in exchange for a long run on saturday. i wanted to do a long run this weekend, and sunday we are taking the speaker out, so it has to be saturday. this will work out nicely. i am going to a running clinic at charm city running early saturday, then i'm going to run the ncr trail. it is flat, and i can run it seven miles, one way, refill my water, then run back. it should be a nice endurance run. i hope i'm up for it, but the trail is canopy covered, i think, and popular. i should be able to use my ipod, and just kinda zone out.

i saw dr r today. her office is empty, there is no furniture in it. she is really leaving. suddenly i'm not sure i can deal with her leaving. i thought i was fine with her going, then today hit, and this crisis hit, and i'm not doing well. i'm sliding backwards, and the last thing i need is her to leave. i feel confident she is leaving me in good hands, but i've just felt so secure with her, she has worked miracles. i am significantly more stable, and not with myself falling apart, and not knowing what will happen over the next month, i'm not sure i can maintain that stability. i just need to remind myself that it is only a month, and i have been stable for several years now, and no one person, or people can undo that in such a short period of time. i need to remember that i am stronger than that! i also need to take time and honestly morn the loss of her in my life. i know she says she is coming back, but i'm not so sure. she may like her new lifestyle, or they may decide not to come back to baltimore, they may settle somewhere else. it doesn't matter. i am much better off for having been her patient, and will always reap the benefits. win, lose, or draw, ultimately, i'm the winner in all of this, i'm the one better off.

i work tomorrow until 3:30, then we are meeting mom, bob, and earl for dinner. nothing too exciting. i wish i could get motivated to give this house a good cleaning, but i'm letting the depression get to me. i have to stop that. i did get the kitchen floor done today, so the downstairs looks ok. dr r gave me neurontin a couple of weeks ago and told me to take it if i needed it. i have resisted up to this point. maybe i should reconsider. if i'm honest with myself my mood is slipping. i know a lot is due to the problems with peter, and i keep thinking it will pass with his family is gone. i don't know what to do. i don't want to take more meds, and i think i'm slightly less tired off the neurontin. honestly i want to cut more back, but that's not going to happen. i'm tanking on current meds.
back to my original point of this paragraph, tomorrow should be another boring day, but saturday should be different. i have the running clinic followed by a long run on a path that i've never done. i will most likely be totally exhausted when done.