i have no clue what is going on. i feel like i am spiraling out of control. i have zero energy, less then before the half. i've been eating well, and have not run all week. i am hoping to hit the gym tomorrow for the first time since the gym, but it is not looking good at the moment. i am scheduled to see the nutritionist on july 17.
my memory is shot too. i wrote a blog page yesterday as well, but the computer didn't save it, and i have no idea what i had down. i would love to re-write it, but i cannot. i am also losing the ability to work. my focus and concentration are off. that may also have something to do with the fact that i don't care about the job right now. i feel like they are putting everyone else ahead of me, and what i want doesn't matter. i have been checking patients in all week, i am exhausted, my back hurts, and i ache all over. i have no energy for anything. on top of all that i feel like i am about to break. i don't know if i am about to cry, or yell, or attack someone. i really do not know what i'm capeable of right now. i want to be alone, asleep, but i'm not sure if it a good idea. i'm toying with the idea of calling porsche and seeing if she wants to go to the gym tomorrow, but i'm not sure i'm reliable. i put in a call to dr richter. hopefully she can see me, and we can figure this out. i really don't know what to do, maybe i really should have called teri, since dr r is leaving.
i want to cut, knowing that it will solve nothing. it will only make me feel worse about the situation. it has been a long time since i've done anything self destructive, and i want to keep it that way. besides, we are coming into summer, and i want to wear short sleeves. my scars look a lot worse since i've lost all the weight. i was hoping they would come together, and be less obvious, but that is not the case. they look worse.
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