RUNNERS HIGH

i wasn't expecting much out of the day, but it turned out well. i was able to sleep in, and after a morning of doing nothing, i went to the gym. i was hesitant to push myself, but decided to anyway. i figured that i could always stop the treadmill, but it is harder to add time once i've started. i had a great run. i set the treadmill on a hill program, and did five miles with relative ease. i enjoyed the run, and decided to lift afterward. my brother has been after me to lift two to three times a week, and it is highly recommended by runners world to improve running times. i just need to mentally adjust to eating more if i'm going to increase my muscle mass, and increase my metabolism. the bottom line is that i felt great coming leaving the gym! i love the endorphin rush the running can give you. it put me in such a great mood.

nothing else has gotten done today. i still have not bleached that bathroom, and it seriously needs to be done. peter was willing to settle for a salad for dinner, so it required nothing on my part. life was easy today. maybe a mind mushing day is what i needed. i started the day with a strong desire to cut. i left the gym with a much better outlook, a much better mental determination. i'm seriously hoping that i don't slip backwards, but i am enjoying every minute of this relief i have now. i was taking for granite my normalcy. it had been so long since i had seriously slipped, and lost the balence i enjoy. i honestly do not think i'm out of this cycle, i thoroughly expect to slip backward, but for now, i am going to enjoy the clam and clarity. i am going to try to read. i should attempt to explain to peter what's been going though my head, but i'm not sure i can do that. i don't think i can be that articulate, i don't have that much clarity.

i also need to deal with my fear of getting fat. there is a part of me that is upset that i put a pound on last week. it is one lousy pound. i keep telling myself that my original goal was 160. i chose that because i could attain and maintain that weight. now that i've gone below that, i want to stay where i am. i hit 148, and i look at myself, and i still see a lot of fat. when i was heavy, i didn't pay attention to it, so i didn't really notice how fat i actually was. now that i have lost weight i have become much more body image conscience. i now see that there is a load of fat on my body. i actually have at least 20-25 more pounds to lose. i don't know if it is practical to try and lose them, but they are there to lose.