RETURN FROM THE GREAT RUN

ran the virginia beach half marathon three days ago. my time was disappointing at 3:10, but i developed a horrible migraine about three hours after finishing. it has been a long time since i have had a migraine that intense for no reason. they have been under great control for the last year. i did not even pack my heating pad. i learned that lesson the hard way. i have no idea what i would have done if the migraine would have struck during the race. i would have been in the middle of 20,000 people and in agony. we traveled home yesterday, and i was in no shape to drive. i still am having some pain from the migraine. i was hoping to run at the gym today, but am still wiped out from the headache. the positive side of this migraine is that it was so intense that it required a lot of pain medicine, and because of that i noticed no adverse effects in my legs, no soreness, from running the half. i had no problems with running around the office today.

peter was in a bad mood for much of the trip. as it turned out he wanted to go out and listen to music friday night. i suspected that on friday, and asked him then if he wanted to go, i said i was up for it even though i was tired. i figured i could sleep in on saturday morning. he could have even gone by himself if he wanted, and he knew that. there was no reason for him to take that out on me because he made a bad decision, one against what i told him to make.

flu shots have begun. i have out 19 flu shots in addition to my regular duties. yeah! things are only going to get busier at work in the next few weeks. the advantage of starting earlier with flu shots is that the season is spread out over an additional month. october and november will not be so busy this way.

A LONG TIME COMING

today i was faced with a decision that i have been wrestling with for at least six months. dr r is back and ready to reclaim her patients. when she left it totally was not an issue, it was going to be an automatic decision, but a lot can change in a year. i completely respect dr r's creativity and how she had brought me out from a bad place. i do not know where i would be with out her, but certainly not here. the flip side of the issue, i am just amazed at how well teri can read me. there is no getting anything past her. she can see through me, and i find great comfort in that. part of me feels that i need both of them in my life, but that is not an option. i was not prepared to like teri so much. i know in the end that i need dr r to be making the calls when they are hard to make, and i could have used her creativity when i had that episode this spring.

i am not doing well today, but that is because i have the race so close. the heat has been too much for me this summer and i have lost a lot of stamina. i am totally unprepared for this half. i want to crawl under a rock for two months and have someone tell me i made the right decisions when i came out. my two halves will be done, and my decision to see dr r will have been enacted upon.

i guess i'm lucky if this is the worst thing going on in my life.

JULY 2010

it has been all month and i have not posted a thing. it has been an uneventful month. the district convention was good, and my nerves did well despite all the people being in an enclosed area.

i have spent much of the month exhausted, but teri lowered my neurontin by eliminating my morning does, and i have had more energy since. my running has hit an all time low of monthly mileages. i think i put in less than 45 miles for the month. this is very bad timing since i have a half marathon in about five weeks. i need to get in two more long runs, and i would like them to be 12.5 miles. i do not have the energy to do one in the morning.

we took a mini vacation with christopher this week. we went to ocean city on wedensday, came home on thrusday, and went to hershey park on friday. today i have slept, and done laundry. i am still tired. i am hoping that after another good nights sleep i can enjoy the meeting in the morning and hit the treadmill in the afternoon. the heat has finally given us some relief, and it has only been in the mid 80s. there is also some shopping i need to do. we have no grocery's.

it has been fun having christopher around. he is saying now he is staying until december. i'm not sure he will ever leave! he is supposed to go to california for a couple of weeks in the middle of the month, but he is now saying that his mom wants him to go for three weeks, and he does not want to be gone that long. he does not want to be away from his friends that long is what he is not telling me. also his grandfather, who ignored him all but this last six months, is dying, and he does not want the be around a dying man, that does not care about him. he also wants allison to come here and stay instead of going out to california and staying there for a couple of months. christopher does not think that texas of california is a positive environment for allison. lots of drama among the moore-myers household.

the month has been busy with running after and for the kids, but i have had a lot of fun. christopher has made some good, theocratic friends that i approve of. i cannot tell if he is interested in justien, but he enjoys spending time with her and jade, and they are good positive people. he thinks diane is crazy for being a concerned chaperon, but i agree, they need to be watched. they are both going through hard times, and one thing can lead to another very easily.

i have noticed lately that my hearing has been much worse. i am constantly having peter or christopher repeat themselves. so far i am ok at work and on the phone, but it is making me concerned. i know there is a large wax build up in my ears, and i need to get that cleaned out. i keep hoping i will hear better after that get cleaned out.

i wish i had a friend.

UP AND AT UM????????

we went to heather and ben's wedding yesterday. everything was great. they could not have asked for a nicer day. everything turned out perfectly.

i was exhausted afterward, and was asleep a little after ten. i had everything set to run early this morning. the problem was i did not set my alarm. it turned out not to be an issue since i woke up at four, and could not fall back asleep. i was out the door at five. it has been a long time since i have seen a sunrise, it was pretty. i am tired now. i am always tired, and my running has slowed down. i need to cut back on some of my meds. i feel over medicated. i just want to sleep all the time. my running has gone from slow to what feels like reverse, or like i'm in a slow motion pic. this is a horrible place to be in because my mood has been so good, but what good is that if i'm in a coma?

christopher remains in a good mood. i want to talk to carolyn tomorrow to see if we have any summer openings at our office. he could help get caught up on filing. a job is a job, and his mother will let him stay longer if he is working. the longer he is away from daryll the better. he is safer here, there is nobody undermining his self-esteem.

i want a nap, but i am afraid that if i do fall asleep it will interfere with my healthy sleep/wake pattern.

SO MUCH TO CATCH UP

there has been so much that has happened since my last blog both good and bad. i have had the run of my life! there was a morning, a sunday i think, that i got out of bed early and ran the four and a half mile route from my house. it has rolling hills, and i have always hated hills. this morning everything came together, and i mastered the hills!!!! it was a great feeling. now i know i can do those hills. i have been able to run up those hills one time since then because now i know it is possible. perspective is a funny thing, all of the sudden, those hills do not look so big.

work remains work. there are days that i want to walk away from that place, and then there are days that i realize that i will never have it so good. management loves me, and i ultimately have it very good where i am. i am part time with paid time off. management works with me as far as the bipolar goes. they are understanding. the providers i work with have respect for me and my professional ethics. many of the patients know me, and love me. the addicts know me and hate me because the providers use me to tell them no, or that they have to wait. i have also become very good at the skills required for my job. ultimately i enjoy what i do.

my life is good. i am married to a man who treats me very well. i could not ask for someone who balances me any better. he is mr. calm. my job is well suited to me, and i am developing friendships that i hope will be lasting.

christopher is in for two weeks. he will be going to the district convention with us. i suspect he will be staying longer that the designated two weeks. the last time his family asked if they could stay a week they stayed six months. i am having fun with chirs, and meeting some of the friends around his age, and their parents. he has been spending a lot of time at breann's house, and i have come to know her mother better. that has been fun. he has enjoyed himself, and the parents have appreciated having an older teenager around to entertain the younger kids and chaperon mike and breann. they have a pool and chris has had a lot of fun.

i remain tired all the time, but my mood is good. there is no desire to cut. i want to go to bed early, and sleep in every day. this can be a problem when i am running a 17 year old around. the dry mouth continues to be irritating, but i am learning to deal with that. the meds have slowed down my running, but it is hard to tell what is the fault of the meds and what to blame on the heat. i hope to run ten and a half on sunday before the meeting.

i do not know if anything here makes sense, i have a migraine. sometimes too, i think the meds are making me slower. my reflexes are slower, and my thinking is slower. i have definitely not been articulate today. heather and ben get married tomorrow, and i hope i am up to going to the wedding.

i know there is more to catch up on, but i have no idea what it is at this time. perhaps later i can do a better job of catching playing catch up.

QUIT

i am ready to quit everything today. since the last med increase i have not had a good workout, and am tired constantly, getting out of bed is a workout in itself. i overslept again today. i had the tws 5k last night and felt great all day, but when it came time to run my legs felt like lead. today at the gym, once i did get up, my run was horrible, no, that is an understatement, i actually quit two miles early, lifted, and caught the remaining two on the elliptical. i can count the number of times i have quit a run early on one hand, and i have been running for three years. in march i felt so ready for my halfs, now, i have gone so far backwards that i am not sure i can run five miles. i feel ready to quit running.

i also want to quit taking my meds. the problem with that is that i think it would literally kill me, or i would kill myself as a result. i don't want to go back there. on the other hand, they have slowed down my metabolism, caused fatigue, and not i am totally demotivated to do anything. i do not know what to do. i think i am stuck here, in the land of fat and fatigue. i cause chaos without the meds, and have lost the ability to function with them.

am i asking too much to have enough energy to work 28-32 hours a week, and exercise enough to not gain weight (now, lose the weight i have put back on)?

UP AND OUT

i successfully got up early this morning to do my long run. that is where my morning success ends. it took forever to run up those hills, and i mean forever! it took almost two and a half hours to run ten and a half miles! looking back, i did not eat right or hydrate properly yesterday. the humidity was also over 50%, and i always struggle when that is the case. there were several reasons to declare this run a failure, BUT, i was the only runner i saw. i passed several houses, and two cyclist, but no other runners, so i deserve high points for getting out there and doing it. for all the negatives, there are several positives, one, i actually got out of bed and did it, and two, i always feel that i am a stronger runner after running that course. there is so much uphill on that route there is no choice that to become stronger. one day i want to run it backwards and see how if feels. i am courious to see what the uphill/downhill ratio feels like. a flat ten mile course now should feel like nothing.

we had hospitality after the meeting, and they were our old friends eric and tammy wessman. we always have fun with them. i was really looking forward to seeing them when peter made the mistake of inviting frank along. i don't like him, he grates me the wrong way. he monopolized the conversation. we were not able to do a lot of catching up. eric is now the talk coordinator for the red line congregation, and asked peter if he would be available to give a talk at the last minute if the need arrives. it would be nice to go up there to see them since they have always come down to westminster.

there was a bridal shower for heather yesterday. spent too much on her gift, but, it was fun. it got me to thinking that i have not done enough with brandy. she is showing more independence from her mom and i need to encourage this. i was talking to her and emily at the hall today about having the two of them over one night. they both said they thought is sounded like fun. we also want to have andy and some of his friends over some time this summer for a day trip, or something. i know the kids are not out yet, but if i don't move now it will be august and we will be cramming to get things in before they go back to school.

CAN I DO IT ALL?

i had an amazingly productive day yesterday, week even. i have accomplished everything i had set out to do. i should have been well rested since i had monday off, so i did not have to work into the evening. i was able to get to bed early. teri tweaked my anafranil, and it has been a major adjustment. getting out of bed is next to impossible. my mood is better, but my need for sleep is extreme. wednesday night i took my meds very early, slept well, and was able to get up very early thursday. had the best day ever (maybe). went for a four and a half mile run, went to work, picked strawberry's, went back to work, fell back into the bed. i only worked a total of nine hours. i should not have needed twelve hours of sleep, and still be nonfunctional today. i am exhausted. nothing is getting done. the heat and humidity may be contributing to my lethargy, but i am moping in air conditioning. my big goal to salvage the day is to make it to the gym.

i can not really say nothing has been done, the kitchen is clean, and the living room has been touched up, but i am exhausted, and it took hours to do those chores. i just want to take a long nap, roll over and go to bed. i know i can go to bed early tonight, but i should not have to do that after working a nine hour day. that should not throw me off this much. i should be able to recover better than this.

addendum:

i did get to the gym, and do four miles on the elliptical. it has given me enough energy to make dinner, and do two loads of laundry. these are not exactly high energy tasks, but they are done, and i do not have them hovering over my head for the weekend.

i did not realize how busy my weekend was scheduled to be until i spoke with peter a couple of hours ago. i have a wedding shower tomorrow, and sunday i want to get in a long run early, then we are taking the speaker out to lunch after the meeting.

hope i can do it all.

MAYBE BACK TO ROUTINE

today, and the past couple of days have been good days. nothing special have made them good, in fact they have been very routine. i just have not been obsessive about anything. that is a great relief. teri doubled my anafrinal, and it appears to be helping.

peter installed a screen door on the front of the house yesterday! after eight years of asking, he did it. i am so excited. we now can have light in that corner, and better air flow downstairs. i love light. tony bartlette did most of the work, and we took him and maria out to dinner last night. overall it was a good day.

i had to work yesterday. it is memorial day weekend, and i thought it would be slow, i thought wrong. we were extremely busy. ben even sent two people to the hospital. there were refills galore. there was plenty of work to keep everyone occupied the entire four hours we were open.

i was able to do a little bit of reading yesterday! it was the first time i was able to concentrate well enough to read in months! i was thrilled, ecstatic even. it was an awake magazine. i was able to read it from cover to cover, and even start the latest watchtower. i may even be able to finish that today and start a book! i cannot remember the last time i was able to pick up a book. maybe i am getting ahead of myself, but i can foresee the concentration coming back. the dry mouth is not fun, but the trade off may be worth the inconvenience.

A BETTER DAY

today is/was a new day. i am glad i did not do anything yesterday that i regret. since two providers had the day off, i was given a bonus day off. i was totally non productive. i was shocked to realize that it was noon when i got out of bed. i kept trying to get up earlier, but my body would not let me. it just was not happening.

i wish i could say that i cleaned the house, or did something useful, but that is not the case. the most productive thing i did was walk the dog. i did some shopping, then went to the gym. i did a short elliptical run, then lifted. i am enjoying lifting more and more. there was also the first race in the twilight series with the westminster road runners. it was just a two miler. i finished last, but i showed up, and finished. i also met some others runners, some new to running, some who have been running for over twenty years. despite the heat, i enjoyed myself.

i stopped in at michael's today to pick up some bandannas for running, and also purchased some markers and something to color. i am hoping it will give my hands something to do when they want to be self destructive. i need a better place to go to when i am in that mind frame. yesterday was not a good day, and i do not care to repeat it, but i think i will, and soon. work it trying to kill me by having me continually do the work of two people. i am not able to run on days i work because i am so tired. i need to find an acceptable outlet.

teri gave me a couple of positive affirmations a few months ago. i pulled them out and looked at them today. one of them reminds me to give myself permission to not be perfect. i have to remember that. not all days are going to be good days. my head is going to betray me sometimes. i need to always remember that things turn back around, good days exist.

i see teri tomorrow. i wonder what else the day will bring.

STEP BACKWARD

this week has not been a good week. i have been fighting the inner demons all week, and i think i am losing. i actually grabbed some of the good, sharp lancets from work today and brought them home with me, and if that were not bad enough, i had to stop at the store on the way home, so i picked up a utility knife. how could i have taken this reverse step? nothing is wrong, nothing is triggering me, there is no reason for this to be happening. i hate my illness. i feel that i have no control over my life, or anything else for that matter. i am tired of living this way.

i frequently think there are five ping-pong balls bouncing around in my head. they all hit each other and the sides of my head constantly causing chaos. they never allow for a complete thought, or a quiet moment, i am incapable of accomplishing much in reality. i think i do a good job of giving the illusion that i finish tasks, but it is not a reality. at work, my tasks only require a 30 second attention span, or they do not get done, running is difficult, and once i start out, i have to get home somehow, and i have not attempted reading in a long time. i am not sure how long i can live this way.

i was so positive at the beginning of the month, and now i feel like i am in a hole of which i can not see the way out. i wish i could cry, i wish i knew about what i was so upset. nothing is making sense.

i am exhausted. work remains physically demanding, and i have forgotten how exhausting fighting the strong self destructive compulsions can be. it has been a long time since i have thought about going to bed when the sun was still out. i am so mentally wired, the ping-pong balls are flying, i am not sure if i could sleep. i took some xanax so hopefully that will help.

GOOD VS EVIL

i need to blog more when things are good. i usually do not do that because my life is very mundane and boring, but that can be good. sometimes when i have bad days i forget that most days are good. i have a good life. i have everything i need, and most of my wants, my husband treats me well, and our marriage is probably better than mosts, i have a job that i enjoy much of the time, (although the office politicking right now is a bit much), i have a hobby i enjoy, the money to invest in that hobby, and i have the wisdom to know this. that is more that many people, i think. i need to focus on this on my bad days. i say all this because i think i'm going crazy. my memory is gone. i was at a store and the associate helping me went in the back to see if they had the part i needed. i totally forgot what he looked like. when he came out, i had no idea who this man was who was talking to me, thankfully i remembered why i was in the store, and he stayed on subject. if he would not have been right to the point i would have been lost, more lost. stuff like that is happening more often. i have no short term memory. if i went back to the store today, i think i would recognize that sales associate, maybe.

i don't know if it is things happening like that of if it is now that is short sleeve weather, and i am so conscience of the appearance of my arms, but i have had thoughts of cutting lately. the compulsion had hit me from nowhere and at times been strong. i have almost given in. this is why i say i need to blog in good times. in a bad moment i need to go back and read and see that most of the times are not absorbed with the cutting compulsion. that would have been nice to have two nights ago. i surprised myself by actually thinking if i had any weapons in the house. i found myself daydreaming about injuring myself! when i realized what i was doing i abruptly changed what i was doing, to what i don't know anymore, but i had to change my frame of mind.

i was hoping most of that was behind me, and i think the worst of it is, but i guess it is up to me. i have the skills now to deal with the impulse, i am well medicated, and i have a support system in place. i have what i need not to fail. it is up to me to use the them. i also need to remember that it is a trap, an addiction. once i start back on that path, i make it hard to get back to where i am now.

i think people think that exercise has replaced all the bad thoughts i used to have. there may be some truth to that,i don't think that is completely accurate. i am not sure i have not replaced one form of self injury with another form of self torture. i am writing this shortly after a ten mile run. a rough run. it is uphill the first half, and the humidity was 78% today. i do very little thinking on my runs. i concentrate mostly on my running, and how much i hate hills. today was a little different. around mile three i started thinking about injuring myself. i did not think about it for long, i made a conscience choice to push it out. my mind when back to the hill i was attempting to run up. is that how i am punishing myself now? i hate hills! there is no escaping hills around here. i am trying to accept hills as a challenge. they will make me stronger. i am lifting weights in the gym in an effort to make the hills easier. it is working, but i still hate hills. my time today reflected how poorly i do on hills. i ran 13 min/mile instead of 12 min/mile. i felt every minute. maybe it was the humidity, and the fact it is allergy season. i was having a little trouble breathing. maybe it was actually a really great run if you factor in the pollen and humidity. maybe i should look at my run from a different perspective. too bad today is not a good day.

i really need to blog more on good days.

STAYING OUT OF TROUBLE

another boring week in a boring life. i think boring is good though.

i have not gotten into, or caused, any trouble. i am proud of that fact!

work has been uneventful, although i continue to do the work of two people.

i did have a monster migraine on monday and had to call out sick from work. it had been over two years since i had a sick day from work. i have had a migraine every day since, but nowhere near the intensity as monday. i am grateful for that.

i am attempting to run more outside, and less on the treadmill. when i am on the treadmill i never use the hill setting, and never experience hill resistance. it takes away from half training. the only time i was training outside was on my long run. i have been outside running twice this week, and it has been great. the hills are no fun, but the benefit is remarkable. friday i struggled with little hills, but today i had a long steep hill, and i tackled it better then ever! i felt strong running that route today. it was nice to be outside.

my weeks are busy, time is flying by. i am doing more in the congregation, i am trying to exercise more (gotta lose the ten pounds i put back on). i am tired a lot.

teri has me feeling as back to normal as i am going to get. THANK YOU!!!!!! i like being out of trouble.

RACE DAY

today was the frederick half marathon. i have never felt so prepared for a half before, physically, i was ready. the weather was calling for hot and humid, which were conditions that are totally foreign to me. all my training has been in cold, snow, and wind, that i am used to. i just told myself to stay positive no matter what goes on. i was right on pace for the first five miles, but had stitches. still i manages to stay positive. i enjoyed going through downtown and passing by several landmarks i took for grant growing up. it was a very nostalgic run for me. i got a little negative around mile six. i put on my ipod, since this race allowed them, and pushed forward, again enjoying the scenery. i even got to pass my old high school! the problem came after mile eight. i needed to catch my breath from the humidity, so i walked. i walked again at an uphill for a water station, no problem. i was running the downhills, and walking the uphills, not that they were that steep. shortly after the mile nine water station i developed cramps in my calves. that has never, ever, happened to me in the three years i have been running! every time i went to run after that the cramping was worse. i ended up walking the last five miles. my time tanked, and i posted a 3:10, not the 2:45 i wanted, but nothing stopped me from finishing.

today was a victory! i stayed positive the entire time i was out on the course, and since i have been off the course. i didn't let anyone's negative talk around me get me down. i through my hands up in the air and whooped and hollered at mile 12. over all, i had a lot of fun out there on the course today! i have already entered two more, one in september, and one in october. i can't wait for them. i am also considering one next month, but am not sure. i just know that today was a huge victory for me! i hope i can remember today, and carry it with me in the future. there are many days that a positive attitude will make a difference in how i remember things.

since i've been home i've been hydrating, but not hungry, so not eating much. it will be interesting to see if i have a ravenous appetite tomorrow or the next day.

THE ROLLER COASTER

it has been an interesting couple of weeks. i am glad i have had my workouts into which i can retreat. work is trying to kill me since alicia has gone out on maternity leave six weeks early. they have just decided that i can do the job of two people. last week, for the entire week, they had me checking in all the patients for all the providers. at one point there were six providers! thankfully it was a relatively slow week. i have no idea what this week will bring. i was exhausted all last week, and we cannot have a repeat of that.

the frederick half marathon is sunday. i am totally excited about that. i feel well prepared, and well trained. i have had two excellent long runs, and my lifting had benefited ability to run uphill. i may actually hit my goal time! my neighbor is doing the marathon so we are going to packet pick-up together, and may ride down to the event together sunday morning. that will be nice to have someone to talk to when i am that nervous.

i am pleased with how i have handled the stress over the past month. i have exercised, i have talked, but i have not cut, i have not done anything self destructive. that is progress for me! i know i must remain vigilant, and can never rest on past victories, who know what today brings, but, right now i am proud of my recent success!

CAN I QUIT MY JOB?

i have totally lost my ability to cope. i want to walk out on everything. i'm not sure i should be left alone, but i cannot deal with people. teri it tweaking my meds again. i'm not confident that will help. my memory is shot. i feel like i have a few ping pong balls bouncing around in my head and nothing else. i'm not even remembering things for three seconds anymore. we are cutting back on the neurontin to the old dose because of the fatigue and memory, but we are going up some on the respiradol. upping that med will only increase my fatigue. i have a half in eighteen days that i was going to be totally prepared for until this month hit. i did such a good job maintaining over the winter, that it was nothing going into the rough training. now, it is down to the wire, and i have no energy to train, and i can take the idea of setting a good time mark out the window.

why do people even put up with me? i feel like i am such a burden on everyone.

can i cut now?

FUNK

still in the funk i've been in. today i have had the compulsion to cut worse than in a long time. i had to take xanax at work, and had to repeat the dose when i got home. it is beginning to take the edge off. i feel so alone and isolated in this battle. all the friends i used to rely on to get me through hard days like today have all moved away. i have totally lost touch with them. i miss having a best friend, someone i have this ten year history with. i feel very alone. i want to cut. i wish i could cry. one is unacceptable, and one i am just programed not to do for some reason. i am just lost.

DOCTORLESS

all of my docs are leaving me. dr. pagano took maternity leave three years ago and decided not to come back, and i never really found another pcp. that didn't matter too much because i had a psy and a neurologist at the time. dr. r is taking a year off, and we will see if she comes back. i could deal with that because i like teri, and am very comfortable with her. i just got a letter in the mail today letting me know that maureen is no longer with dr. ribera. this is not good timing since my migraines are increasing again, and i was due to see her again in a few weeks. i just feel doctor-less. i didn't even mention that dr b left our office. that does free her up to see me as a pcp, if i want to drive to towson every time i get a cold. i'm not sure i want to drive 45 minutes for every doctor, and for everything. i trust dr b, but it is a long drive to have my sinuses' treated.

it was just a bad way to end a good day. i was kept busy at work, and that is how i like it. the day went by in no time. tomorrow i only work a half day and plan to hit the gym for a hard run and lift hard.

NEW MOOD/NEW CHANGE

peter and i had our 21st wedding anniversary yesterday. i still cannot believe that he has stayed with me after everything i put him through. sometimes i think the nightmare is behind me, then there are days like today. i just want to cut. it has not been that way all day, but the pressure has built as the day has progressed. this may be a reflection of curtailing my xanax use, but i hate taking that stuff.

NEW MODEM

it is nice to have the computer back. our modem broke so we had to order a new one. we were without the internet for about a week. it was a strange presence missing from the house. once we had the net back life got very busy, or is it still very busy. i have increased my running and gym activity since my next half is close, and i'm trying to do more in the field service activity. life is busy, and although i'm tired a lot, i'm enjoying much.

peter and i went away last weekend. we took a long weekend and went to ocean city. it was in the 70s and gorgeous! i may have had the run of my life. i ran 13.5 miles in 2:42:00! that was 12 min/miles. i have never actually kept up the 12 minute pace after ten miles. i was thrilled to see that i had done it over 13 miles. this gives me confidence going into septembers virginia beach's half. i just have to get past frederick's half first. i need to do some hill work in the next six weeks. i can get myself prepared. i have six weeks to do it. i have discovered that my quads need some work, but that too can be done. i am just ecstatic about the run i had. i employed some tactics mentioned in the recent runners world. when my quads started to hurt i concentrated on the work FOCUS. i wanted to focus on the goal. also near the end when i was tired i played pick off the pedestrian. i just kept up my pace and enjoyed passing the walkers. i pretended they were others runners in a race. anyway, it kept my enjoying the run, and it was the run of my life. i had a blast, even with the wind in my face the last two miles.

the rest of the vacation was very relaxing. we decided to go very last minute, and had no real expectations. that was a great way to go. peter found some great deals. we got a great rate on the hotel, and had some meals for almost nothing. the weather was totally in our favor. the ncaa basketball tournament started, so even out time at the hotel was fun, and relaxing. all the stores on the boardwalk opened up (except for my favorite ice cream place), so we were even able to do some crap shopping. overall it was a GREAT time.

mentally i am doing better. i head back to work today, and am doing it with a migraine, so it will be interesting. i hope my relaxed felling holds. work has not been totally relaxed recently. i was supposed to see teri this week, but the office called and cancelled that appointment. i need to reschedule. hopefully she can see me next week. she never did return my phone call. i hope everything is ok with her. i cleaned out my purse last week and got rid of a lot of loose papers, but kept the positive affirmations she gave me. i do value her opinion and her advice. strange, i thought she would just be keeping dr r's seat warm, but i have come to depend on her, and appreciate how she has brought me though this recent/current manic episode.

my best friend from high school is coming into town today. i am so excited. i think i can see her on friday. it is going to be a long week if i can't see her until then. hopefully i can talk to her before then. i found the best present for her in ocean city. she mentioned doing dinner and a movie on friday, but my guess is we will talk too much to actually see a movie. i am so excited.

i have a busy week ahead. no wonder i am tired so much of the time.

LONG RUN AND MANIA

ok, it is 55 out today, and i got an eight mile run in today. i'm still a very slow runner, but it was nice to get outside and run. i seriously need to do more hill work in the next seven weeks. the frederick half has hills in it, and i have not done a hill before today, in over a month. it felt good to hit pavement and not the treadmill or elliptical.

i thought yesterday or maybe it was the day before (friday) that the new med changes were working, now i'm not sure. i have not taken the xanax in a couple days, and my concentration is gone. i cannot focus on anything. i wish i were able to read, or even follow a tv program, but it is just not happening. teri told me to call her after a couple weeks. i guess it is reasonable to assume that it can take that long for med changes to take affect. i just want instant gratification. i want self control now, or at least the measure of control i had before.

i am so afraid that something will totally push me over the edge. something will happen that i feel i cannot handle, and i will want to cut. i have been so good for so long, i don't want to go back. i am scared to go back. i don't want to start the cycle over again. i want to say i'm not prepared to start the cycle again, but there is no preparing for something like that. nothing, no amount of experience, can prepare someone for that battle. i cannot go back. going there is not acceptable, and yet, mania is where the trouble starts. if i stay in this mind set, i will do something stupid, that i will eventually regret, and i don't know...(how to complete this sentence). i'm just screwed if i mess up again. i don't know how many more times my husband can deal with me if i start cutting again. i am so edgy, and not dealing with things well, and something must change soon.

i guess until my mind changes i have to continue to take the xanax daily. i so don't want to become an addict.

MORE OF THE SAME

ran fast again today. i'm afraid that when i crash, it will be hard. i'm moving so hard and so fast it is unreal. i'm talking too fast at work that it is confusing others, and am pushing myself at the gym every time i go. i am concerned about the crash. in the mean time, how much damage will i do? nothing has happened yet, but i am concerned that something will.

work was uneventful, and the gym was nothing special. i hit the elliptical and did a grueling program. it had hills and was five miles in under 50 minutes. i was pleased with that. i came home and plotted out a new run that i was hoping would be 15 miles, but is only 12. i hope to do that this weekend, but i'm not sure that will happen since we are busy. it hit me suddenly on sunday that i have less than 8 weeks left until my next half. i want this to be a better experience which me being better prepared. i have done well with keeping up with long runs, but i need to get back outside and deal with real hills. i am getting too obsessive about my running, not to the point on not enjoying it, but i can see myself getting too obsessive. i just cannot stop. my mind cannot stop.

RIVED UP

not thrilled with whatever stage i'm in mentally right now. i'm taking the increased risperdal, and the daily xanax, and i'm still wired. there has not been a day gone by that i have not felt like yelling at somebody. so far everything has been contained, but i thought the battle would be easier with the increased meds. i'm surprised i'm having such a hard time. i want to say nothing is going on, but we are stretched a little thin at work with people being out sick this week. management thinks it is a good idea to survive on a skeleton staff to start, so short staff makes things interesting. the last two days the only thing i've been doing is eating. i'm slipping back into old habits, and that is not good. i also for the first time this episode want to cut! i have not yet, and do not intend to, but i hate the fact that i'm thinking about it. i have done so well for so long i do not want to back slide now.

i went to the gym yesterday and had a great/hard work out. i hope to do the same tomorrow. i was surprised that all the sedatives i had the energy, but i had a ton of energy. i also had a manic amount of energy at work today, which was good since i had to check in patients in the far side of the building for three providers all day. i ran a lot at work today. i hope i have another hard work out in me tomorrow. the weekend should be nice, in the 50s. i should be able to hit the road again. i have not run on the road in over a month between the snow and ice (i miss the road). my next half is in less than two months and i want to finish strong. i did 12 miles on the elliptical on saturday, but that is not the same as the road. i also have not dealt with hill in a month, and the half has hills. i am so excited to breath real air, and hit actual pavement.

there is no getting away from it, or going around it, i just want to scream. peter is downstairs eating his dinner, watching tv, totally minding his own business, yet i want to yell at him to turn the tv down. the problem is that it is not up very loud! i cannot make out what the individuals are saying. i'm just in a mood, but i'm stuck in this mood. i wish i was one to self medicate. i would do something stupid like get drunk, or take too much percocet or dilaudid, just to escape for a couple of hours. hopefully i will be able to fall asleep in a couple of hours and will not have to fight this battle until tomorrow.

i just do not want to be me at this moment.

MORE MED CHANGES

it's been another long week, and i have been out of control and anxious most of the time. i also have accomplished nothing because i cannot concentrate or keep my thoughts together long enough to accomplish a simple task like unloading and reloading the dishwasher. i saw teri yesterday and she made some familiar changes by adding .5 of rispirdal in the morning, and encouraged me to use more xanax. today i have been a zombie, and that is without the xanax. it will be interesting to see what the next few days/weeks bring. i hate going manic.

NEW DAY

what a difference a day can make! i don't know if i just needed time to myself, or what the change is, but i had a significantly more productive day than usual. gave the dog a longer walk than usual, got the kitchen and all three bathrooms cleaned as well as some shopping today. i also had the best run in over a week! there is still some cleaning yet to do tonight like put the bed back together, but still much has been done then expected.

peter is playing racketball with a friend. he is coming over for dinner and movies. i guess i get to dirty up my clean kitchen. i'm just so proud of how clean it is right now, it is bleached clean.

this feeling may not be a good thing. i'm starting to think big for the weekend, like a long run. if it warm enough i may try eight miles outdoors. i need to assess the snow situation. it has been 40 the last two days, so there has been a lot of melting, but i am concerned that people cannot see me around snow banks. it is still hard seeing to pull out at the bottom of our hill.

i don't know what to make of this fact, but the dog wants nothing to do with me since getting back from the gym. i don't know if cleaning the bathrooms freaks her out, but something is going on. she is always in the same room with me, but right now i have no idea where she is, i just know she is not in the computer room with me. i wonder if i am going manic and she senses something, thus does not want to be around??? the next few days may be interesting.

LONG WEEK

peter did a great job in his talk on sunday. we also had a great time at lunch after with stacey and rachael. it has been a long time since i've spent any quality time with them, and truly miss them. their lives are going well, they seem happy with their spouses, and stacey and josh are eagerly expecting their first child in may. i could not be happier for them.

the rest of the week has been very long. getting back to my usual routine has not been good for me. i don't know why. i'm tired and cranky. i just wanted to rip someone's head off at work today, and my runs this week have been torture. i have not recovered from saturday's long run. not to mention that i have put on my traditional pound this week.

i feel like i am beginning to go out of control. i cannot concentrate, i am just starting to have trouble holding the temper in check, and i am exhausted. i was supposed to see teri last week, but that got cancelled because of the snow. i will see her next thursday.

MORE SNOW, MORE WORK

what a week! i actually worked more hours than usual, and that included taking wednesday and thursday off because i could not get out due to the snow. we got another 21 inches. i felt horrible for not helping peter shovel more than an hour. i had the worst migraine on thursday. it has been probably six months since i've had one that bad. i could not remember how much pain medicine i took. i was so grateful it was gone when i woke up for work on friday. alicia, timika, nicole, and i worked hard and kept it together this week. i tried to explain to dr rocha today that we deserve bonus', but he didn't see it my way (what a surprise).

i gutted out 11 miles on the treadmill today. it was enjoyable because i had someone to talk to between miles 6-9. they are hard, boring miles. i felt no pain while i was talking to him, but as soon as he was done, i hurt. the last two miles were rough. i need a running partner. i haven't lifted all week, but i hope to do that in the morning.

peter gives the talk in glade valley tomorrow. we don't have to leave until 11:30. it will be strange not having to rush out early. i wonder if he picked out a song from the new songbook.

TIRED

i've worked a lot of hours the last couple of weeks, and this week is starting off the same way. heather at work is flaking out, and only working when it is convenient, and management putting up with that, leaves extra burden on me. i like the extra pay, and the account is very low right now, but i am very tired right now. i'm trying to do it all. i need to bend somewhere. today was the first scheduled day i've missed the gym in a couple of weeks. i don't want to let up there because of the increase weight, but something has to give. yesterday i worked 12 hours! we were so short staffed that i checked in every patient for every provider for all 12 hours. most of the day there were only four providers, but a few hours there were five providers. i actually had a good time, and the day raced by, but today i'm exhausted.

my mind has also been racing for the last month-ish. i'm having a harder time winding down at night, and recently have been waking up early with my mind just running. i see teri thrusday and i hope i remember to say something to her.

i hope i actually get down to see her, we are getting more snow. they are calling for another 10-20 inches! it is not going to be as easy to dig out from this one, there is no place to put this snow. the roads were bad for the drive home tonight. i didn't go over 25mph, and it took almost 45 min to do my usual 20-25 min drive. peter called over an hour ago, he was 25 min away and traffic was not moving. i have no idea when i will see him. i just hope i don't have to go into work tomorrow so i can sleep in.

speaking of my mind racing (it jumps and makes no sense as well). i had a very productive day on superbowl sunday. the oven finally got cleaned, all the laundry got done, the last of the shoveling got done, ran five miles at the gym, and made dinner for the week. i think it was one of my more productive days in a long time. it all goes back to my mind racing. i woke up at five and could not fall back asleep. i was up early, started with chores, walked the dog at first light, and just kept on moving.

the superbowl was a good game, but i just could not get into it this year. the sentimental favorite won, the new orleans saints.

i think i just need sleep to sound comprehend-able.

SNOW, SNOW, AND MORE SNOW!!!!!!!

did i mention it snowed here over the last 24 hours? we got over two feet! i love a good snow weekend. i slept all morning! i could not believe it when i woke up and it was 11:00! i really must have needed the sleep. i was hoping to get a lot of house work done this morning, but that obviously did not happen. my oven is not clean, and my kitchen is not clean. i, however, feel great. this afternoon peter and i shoveled out the cars and started on the mailbox area. we shoveled for 2.5 hours. peter was surprised at how long i could keep up. he was ready to come in before i was. there is more to do around the mailbox, but the driveway is passable. we actually cheated on the driveway. jerry from next door came over with his snowblower and got us started. he did the sidewalk, and swiped up beside the cars a couple of times. that was a tremendous help. we still had to clean the cars, then shovel all of that, do the walk way to the house, and the mailbox area. the snowplow only came within about five feet of the mailbox, so that is a huge task, but we are over half done.

i got some theocratic studying done today. i have a talk on tuesday (which may be snowed out because of another storm coming) that i have to write, and i did a lot of research for it. i also started the new watchtower. there is also a new awake that i would like to read this weekend. the meeting has been cancelled for tomorrow already, so i will have some extra time. that being said, i have big plans for tomorrow. i want to finish writing the talk, finish shoveling out the mailbox, and if the gym is open, i want to run, not to mention it is superbowl sunday. i plan to watch that. i have no idea how i will get it all done.

i need to get my neck/arm looked at sometime. the occasional numbness of my deltoid is annoying. i think it is related to my neck, and can cause arm weakness. i don't know if i will see someone this week since i'm seeing teri on thursday. i think i have friday afternoon open, i will have to double check.

UPCOMING WEEKEND

been a couple of quiet days around here. work has been work, and nothing really is happening there. i am enjoying that. i have been to the gym the last two days and enjoy my runs. i am a true cold wimp and do not enjoy running outdoors in the cold. i must learn to be bolder and do more of that. i've had a good week working out. i have so far run 13 miles, and been able to lift twice. i want to get back to the gym on sunday, but that may not happen. it started to snow a couple of hours ago, and it is not supposed to stop until late tomorrow evening. we may get over two feet when it is all done and over. i may still be snowed in on sunday.

this sunday will be super bowl sunday, and i have no idea who i want to win. i have long resented indy, but i like paton, and have always been a fan on matt stover. it will be hard to cheer against them. i also have no strong feelings for new orleans. i know they are the sentimental favorite, but i just don't care. i plan to watch the game, and i think it will be a good game because the teams are evenly matched, i just don't care about the outcome.

i am beginning to get a headache. i hope it is from not eating enough, and not from the weather. i can always eat something, but i do not want to waste a good snow day with a migraine.

CATCHING UP

sometimes i feel like my life is sooooo boring. nothing is really going on. mom quit chemo after a ton of nausea. in my opinion it was over kill to start with, so no prob. she has decided to go forward with radiation. she sees the doctor about that next week. most of the nausea from the treatment three weeks ago is gone, but not completely. her life is mostly back to normal.

work is work, nothing going on there. it is amazing to see how people who are addicts of one kind or another age so quickly. i saw a 55 year old smoker today who could have easily have been mistaken for 70 today. we have some other patients close to my age addicted to prescription meds, and they look so much older than me. it just amazes me. i don't think i look bad for my age, but i'm not hiding it like i used to, but these people are doing things like coloring their hair, and trying to buy the right cloths, but they just look so much older then they are.

i have put seven pounds back on in the past two months. that has me totally freaked out. it has been seven pounds in about nine weeks! mom being sick slowed down the running and lifting, but not that much. not seven pounds worth. i had held my weight for two years then it started inching up. this has got to stop. i am currently one pound lower than my original goal weight. it sounds like i should be happy, but i purchased all my clothes at the weight i had for almost two years, not the goal.

i am making some progress with running. my treadmill time are getting faster. i am getting closer to 11 minuet miles for my five mile runs. my ultimate goal is 10 minute miles, but i expect that to take at least another year. i have added lifting to my agenda. i am shooting for at least twice a week, but three would be nice. i just get so busy with everything. it would be much easier if i had a partner. i am working with a trainer twice a month.

lifted yesterday, and today my hamstrings are tight.

peter and i were going to go to chris and susan's house for the super bowl, but after three months of marriage they are currently separated. i doubt it will last, but it is sad that my two friends are not happy together.