STEP BACKWARD

this week has not been a good week. i have been fighting the inner demons all week, and i think i am losing. i actually grabbed some of the good, sharp lancets from work today and brought them home with me, and if that were not bad enough, i had to stop at the store on the way home, so i picked up a utility knife. how could i have taken this reverse step? nothing is wrong, nothing is triggering me, there is no reason for this to be happening. i hate my illness. i feel that i have no control over my life, or anything else for that matter. i am tired of living this way.

i frequently think there are five ping-pong balls bouncing around in my head. they all hit each other and the sides of my head constantly causing chaos. they never allow for a complete thought, or a quiet moment, i am incapable of accomplishing much in reality. i think i do a good job of giving the illusion that i finish tasks, but it is not a reality. at work, my tasks only require a 30 second attention span, or they do not get done, running is difficult, and once i start out, i have to get home somehow, and i have not attempted reading in a long time. i am not sure how long i can live this way.

i was so positive at the beginning of the month, and now i feel like i am in a hole of which i can not see the way out. i wish i could cry, i wish i knew about what i was so upset. nothing is making sense.

i am exhausted. work remains physically demanding, and i have forgotten how exhausting fighting the strong self destructive compulsions can be. it has been a long time since i have thought about going to bed when the sun was still out. i am so mentally wired, the ping-pong balls are flying, i am not sure if i could sleep. i took some xanax so hopefully that will help.