GOOD VS EVIL

i need to blog more when things are good. i usually do not do that because my life is very mundane and boring, but that can be good. sometimes when i have bad days i forget that most days are good. i have a good life. i have everything i need, and most of my wants, my husband treats me well, and our marriage is probably better than mosts, i have a job that i enjoy much of the time, (although the office politicking right now is a bit much), i have a hobby i enjoy, the money to invest in that hobby, and i have the wisdom to know this. that is more that many people, i think. i need to focus on this on my bad days. i say all this because i think i'm going crazy. my memory is gone. i was at a store and the associate helping me went in the back to see if they had the part i needed. i totally forgot what he looked like. when he came out, i had no idea who this man was who was talking to me, thankfully i remembered why i was in the store, and he stayed on subject. if he would not have been right to the point i would have been lost, more lost. stuff like that is happening more often. i have no short term memory. if i went back to the store today, i think i would recognize that sales associate, maybe.

i don't know if it is things happening like that of if it is now that is short sleeve weather, and i am so conscience of the appearance of my arms, but i have had thoughts of cutting lately. the compulsion had hit me from nowhere and at times been strong. i have almost given in. this is why i say i need to blog in good times. in a bad moment i need to go back and read and see that most of the times are not absorbed with the cutting compulsion. that would have been nice to have two nights ago. i surprised myself by actually thinking if i had any weapons in the house. i found myself daydreaming about injuring myself! when i realized what i was doing i abruptly changed what i was doing, to what i don't know anymore, but i had to change my frame of mind.

i was hoping most of that was behind me, and i think the worst of it is, but i guess it is up to me. i have the skills now to deal with the impulse, i am well medicated, and i have a support system in place. i have what i need not to fail. it is up to me to use the them. i also need to remember that it is a trap, an addiction. once i start back on that path, i make it hard to get back to where i am now.

i think people think that exercise has replaced all the bad thoughts i used to have. there may be some truth to that,i don't think that is completely accurate. i am not sure i have not replaced one form of self injury with another form of self torture. i am writing this shortly after a ten mile run. a rough run. it is uphill the first half, and the humidity was 78% today. i do very little thinking on my runs. i concentrate mostly on my running, and how much i hate hills. today was a little different. around mile three i started thinking about injuring myself. i did not think about it for long, i made a conscience choice to push it out. my mind when back to the hill i was attempting to run up. is that how i am punishing myself now? i hate hills! there is no escaping hills around here. i am trying to accept hills as a challenge. they will make me stronger. i am lifting weights in the gym in an effort to make the hills easier. it is working, but i still hate hills. my time today reflected how poorly i do on hills. i ran 13 min/mile instead of 12 min/mile. i felt every minute. maybe it was the humidity, and the fact it is allergy season. i was having a little trouble breathing. maybe it was actually a really great run if you factor in the pollen and humidity. maybe i should look at my run from a different perspective. too bad today is not a good day.

i really need to blog more on good days.