RIVED UP

not thrilled with whatever stage i'm in mentally right now. i'm taking the increased risperdal, and the daily xanax, and i'm still wired. there has not been a day gone by that i have not felt like yelling at somebody. so far everything has been contained, but i thought the battle would be easier with the increased meds. i'm surprised i'm having such a hard time. i want to say nothing is going on, but we are stretched a little thin at work with people being out sick this week. management thinks it is a good idea to survive on a skeleton staff to start, so short staff makes things interesting. the last two days the only thing i've been doing is eating. i'm slipping back into old habits, and that is not good. i also for the first time this episode want to cut! i have not yet, and do not intend to, but i hate the fact that i'm thinking about it. i have done so well for so long i do not want to back slide now.

i went to the gym yesterday and had a great/hard work out. i hope to do the same tomorrow. i was surprised that all the sedatives i had the energy, but i had a ton of energy. i also had a manic amount of energy at work today, which was good since i had to check in patients in the far side of the building for three providers all day. i ran a lot at work today. i hope i have another hard work out in me tomorrow. the weekend should be nice, in the 50s. i should be able to hit the road again. i have not run on the road in over a month between the snow and ice (i miss the road). my next half is in less than two months and i want to finish strong. i did 12 miles on the elliptical on saturday, but that is not the same as the road. i also have not dealt with hill in a month, and the half has hills. i am so excited to breath real air, and hit actual pavement.

there is no getting away from it, or going around it, i just want to scream. peter is downstairs eating his dinner, watching tv, totally minding his own business, yet i want to yell at him to turn the tv down. the problem is that it is not up very loud! i cannot make out what the individuals are saying. i'm just in a mood, but i'm stuck in this mood. i wish i was one to self medicate. i would do something stupid like get drunk, or take too much percocet or dilaudid, just to escape for a couple of hours. hopefully i will be able to fall asleep in a couple of hours and will not have to fight this battle until tomorrow.

i just do not want to be me at this moment.