TRIP TO THE AIRPORT

working hard to look to the positive, and the positive is that i have not hurt myself. the desire today has not been as bad. i also have been very busy. immediately after work i took sharon and debbie to dulles airport. it was a completely uneventful trip down and only took 90 minutes, but the return trip took over three and a half hours! between rush hour, and accidents the traffic in virginia was unreal. i was grad though to see them off. sharon has done many nice things for peter and i, and she is going to dog sit for us again less than a week after she gets back. i hope they have a good time in germany, and are able to enjoy the convention.

my long run has been moved up to tomorrow morning, so i need to go to bed early. it is going to be a long day, and i am totally unprepared. it is family doctor day. peter and i have morning appointments, and trumpyie's is at two. but and vina are in town, and we have invited them over for dinner, so the only three hour slot to run is way early. i hope i can have the 12 miles done closer to 2.5 hours instead of 3 hours. i just hope i just don't want to cut all day or weekend. i was able to get a hold of cathy and am seeing her next thursday at 1:30 after work. my goal is to make it to that appointment. i have a shorter term goal. i now just have to go one week without cutting, not two weeks, which is when i think i see teri.

i double checked my weight on the scale today, and it really did show a four pound weight gain. i can not get over that. that is unbelievable. how does someone gain four pounds in one week? i cannot have a normal metabolism. i see the nutritionist on the 17th, and am hoping she may have some insights. i know they have a machine there that will tell you how many calories someone burns in a 24 hour period. the girl i am seeing is a sports nutritionist, so hopefully she can accurately calculate how much i burn per mile. i also look at myself and see so much fat. it is unreal. i never minded the fat, because i didn't pay attention to it, now that i am conscience of how i look, i realize how bad, and how fat i look. i would love to lose another 20 pounds. i don't think i can do it on my own, but maybe the nutritionist can guide me in that direction.

my more immediate goal is to get rid of, or at least deal with the urge to cut. i want it gone, successfully gone.

BETTER DAY

i think today was somewhat better. there were moments that were hard, but i made it a point to keep myself very busy for as much of the day as possible. nothing special happened today, in fact it was a totally ordinary day, but i was productive. the charts for the lab results had not been pulled in a few days, so that was an undertaking. timika started it yesterday, but i completed it today. i found every single chart this morning. the providers actually seemed happy to have the results pulled and on their desks. i think they were waiting for the foot to drop, and were relieved it was not as bad as imaged, or, relieved it was done on a slow day. i still want to cut. i still honestly do not know why. i cannot figure it out. the more time i spent trying to figure it out, the more frustrated i become. i am hoping to see cathy next week. there is just too much going on this week. there is no real explanation for this episode right now. i did get on the scales today for my weekly weigh in, and learned i gained three pounds this week. i'm not too happy about that! however, the si started before i discovered that. there is nothing going on this evening. i am hoping to go to bed early. i want to run early because i am bringing two friends to the airport right after work tomorrow. with the half so close, i really do not want to miss any runs. it's bad enough that i'm not lifting with any consistency, i really need to stick to the running program.

i want to cut so badly that i wish i could describe it. it is a feeling unlike any other i have ever experienced. you would think after all these years i would know how to articulate the feelings. it is both a physical and a psychological feelings. there is a specific spot, right now it is concentrated on my right wrist, that i just want to cut. not too deep, but just cut. i'm sure it will help me feel better, or at least make this nagging feeling go away. the problem is that the nagging feeling will just come back, and again for no reason, or at least none i can figure out. there is this logical part of me that knows that cutting will solve nothing, and cause embarrassment and scars. i just don't get it, shouldn't this be behind me? how do i figure out what is causing this feeling? and what do i do about it? there are no magic solutions.

i did download some relaxing music to my ipod today. i haven't done that in several months. i'm listening to celine dion right now.

I WISH I KNEW

ann and david are in the area, and we had a great time with them over the weekend. i think we will see them some this coming weekend, but i don't know how much. bud and vina are coming in tomorrow or the next day, and we should all get together one day over the weekend. nothing went wrong, which is why i have no idea why the compulsion to cut is so strong. i cannot stop thinking about it, or fantasizing about it. i could not focus at work today. it was so hard to get anything done. i don't know how much longer i can deal with this. i have no idea what has triggered this. i have noticed that i feel so alone with my feelings of si. nobody around me knows about it anymore. i've had a turnover of friends, and i've not told coworkers. i have nobody to talk to about this. i wish i knew what was triggering this feeling.

LAST MINUTE PANIC

it has been a long interesting day(s). things had been fairly quiet. i had decided to do whatever with the in-laws whenever available, and not make waves. today i find myself conflicted with that statement, i think. i suddenly found myself off of work all day thursday, so i told peter i can be available to do whatever his family wants to do, but i needed to cancel dr r's appointment. we are going to dc, to which i am looking forward, but i am going to miss dr r.

i think i more worried that i will slip back and become the person i was before i met her. i am such a significantly more stable person now the difference is unreal. there is this logical part of my brain that knows that i will not go that far backwards, i just will not let it happen. if i see it happening, and teri can't stop it, she knows how to contact dr r., it is that simple. the issue is not that complicated. i am just going through a brief moment of panic.

i told peter that i cancelled the appointment to spent time with his family, and he said oh. i verbally chastised his for under reacting. i was upset that he did not appreciate the sacrifice i am making. he didn't even say thank you. not being shy, i told him i was not pleased with his reaction.

i am exhausted this evening, but it is a logical fatigue. i worked until ten last night, then got up a little after five this morning to run early. i thought i was going to work all day. barb ball called out sick, so i was only needed a half day, but if all providers were going to be there, i would have been needed all day. i actually got a later start than hoped, but ran three miles at the gym. apparently i was fairly focused. i only noticed a handful of other people in there, but when i left there were probably 30 cars in the parking lot! i was shocked when i noticed that many cars. there were no classes going on, i did take note of that, i was just obvious to what was going on behind me. i feel like i have more energy that i've had in a while, and should be in full training mode. i really want to push hard so i can get a good time in my va beach half marathon.

MAKING POSITIVE CHOICES

today has been a good day, i've made sure of that. i had the running clinic early, and wanted to get in a long run today, so i combined errands. i woke up early, and to my husbands surprise, i walked the dog. the timing on that was good because less than an hour later, it started raining, hard, and the dog, not to mention peter, hate rain. i told peter that i have decided that i am going to put effort into making the visits with his family, whatever contact we have with them, positive, from my standpoint. i told him that i will do nothing intentional to be negative. i will do my best to enjoy whatever we do. i think he was relieved to hear that, but he has been bumming around the house all day. he said he is just taking a day to veg, and will be back to normal tomorrow. i have to admit, he is entitled to a veg day.

my running clinic went well. i'm not sure i learned a whole lot, but the physical therapist was helpful. he told me what i need to strengthen to reduce my pronation, and stay injury free. the run was great. i've never done 14 miles before. i also feel better than after most long runs. i made sure to hydrate well, and i snorked down some calories right after the run. i think that made a difference. i also went to bed on the early side yesterday, and i think there will be a repeat tonight.

i still need to look over my tower for tomorrow, but i think that is the only thing on my to do list left for today. tomorrow peter and i are taking the speaker out to lunch after the meeting. i have no clue where, but we will figure that out tomorrow. i just hope i can still walk. in the mean time, i need more food. i seriously hope i recover faster than i did after the half marathon.

i say this almost as an after thought. my mind has been good today, no tricks. i have made positive choices, and am doing my best to think positive. apparently it is working. i have restarted the neurontin. i did that last night. my focus today has been good, i have concentrated on the running, and accomplishing the long run, or preparing for the long run, or recovering from the long run, that i have not had time to think about si. i am pleased with that. i don't think it has to do with the med, i think it is too early. my focus has been myopic today, or better yet guided today. that has proved to be a good thing. i listened to my ipod while running, and that created enough of a diversion for me not to think about si. i am very pleased about that.

OBSESSION

it has not been a positive day. i keep fantasizing about how to hurt myself. i was in bed last night thinking about it, and kept coming back to it at work today. work is not a safe place for me. there are a lot of sharps, and a number of things designed to burn flesh there. nothing happened, and i am exhausted now from the xanax i took, but something has to change. i think it is time to reintroduce the neurontin. i have no desire to take more meds, but i guess i have to bite the bullet. if i don't do something, i will end up hurting myself. i've come too far to slide back now, it has been too long to move backwards.

the day itself was good. work was uneventful. i had dinner with my family, and that went well. tomorrow i have to get up early because i have a running clinic at charm city running, then i want to run long on the ncr trail. i haven't run long since the half, but that was only three weeks ago, so i should be in good shape. i've done a number of five mile runs since then, and ncr is flat.

LOSING BATTLE TODAY

another bad day, but this one may be of my own doing. i was hoping to get an early start, which didn't happen. it was nice to sleep in, but it made the morning completely unproductive. i need to motivate myself to do more. i decided not to run today in exchange for a long run on saturday. i wanted to do a long run this weekend, and sunday we are taking the speaker out, so it has to be saturday. this will work out nicely. i am going to a running clinic at charm city running early saturday, then i'm going to run the ncr trail. it is flat, and i can run it seven miles, one way, refill my water, then run back. it should be a nice endurance run. i hope i'm up for it, but the trail is canopy covered, i think, and popular. i should be able to use my ipod, and just kinda zone out.

i saw dr r today. her office is empty, there is no furniture in it. she is really leaving. suddenly i'm not sure i can deal with her leaving. i thought i was fine with her going, then today hit, and this crisis hit, and i'm not doing well. i'm sliding backwards, and the last thing i need is her to leave. i feel confident she is leaving me in good hands, but i've just felt so secure with her, she has worked miracles. i am significantly more stable, and not with myself falling apart, and not knowing what will happen over the next month, i'm not sure i can maintain that stability. i just need to remind myself that it is only a month, and i have been stable for several years now, and no one person, or people can undo that in such a short period of time. i need to remember that i am stronger than that! i also need to take time and honestly morn the loss of her in my life. i know she says she is coming back, but i'm not so sure. she may like her new lifestyle, or they may decide not to come back to baltimore, they may settle somewhere else. it doesn't matter. i am much better off for having been her patient, and will always reap the benefits. win, lose, or draw, ultimately, i'm the winner in all of this, i'm the one better off.

i work tomorrow until 3:30, then we are meeting mom, bob, and earl for dinner. nothing too exciting. i wish i could get motivated to give this house a good cleaning, but i'm letting the depression get to me. i have to stop that. i did get the kitchen floor done today, so the downstairs looks ok. dr r gave me neurontin a couple of weeks ago and told me to take it if i needed it. i have resisted up to this point. maybe i should reconsider. if i'm honest with myself my mood is slipping. i know a lot is due to the problems with peter, and i keep thinking it will pass with his family is gone. i don't know what to do. i don't want to take more meds, and i think i'm slightly less tired off the neurontin. honestly i want to cut more back, but that's not going to happen. i'm tanking on current meds.
back to my original point of this paragraph, tomorrow should be another boring day, but saturday should be different. i have the running clinic followed by a long run on a path that i've never done. i will most likely be totally exhausted when done.