RUNNERS HIGH

i wasn't expecting much out of the day, but it turned out well. i was able to sleep in, and after a morning of doing nothing, i went to the gym. i was hesitant to push myself, but decided to anyway. i figured that i could always stop the treadmill, but it is harder to add time once i've started. i had a great run. i set the treadmill on a hill program, and did five miles with relative ease. i enjoyed the run, and decided to lift afterward. my brother has been after me to lift two to three times a week, and it is highly recommended by runners world to improve running times. i just need to mentally adjust to eating more if i'm going to increase my muscle mass, and increase my metabolism. the bottom line is that i felt great coming leaving the gym! i love the endorphin rush the running can give you. it put me in such a great mood.

nothing else has gotten done today. i still have not bleached that bathroom, and it seriously needs to be done. peter was willing to settle for a salad for dinner, so it required nothing on my part. life was easy today. maybe a mind mushing day is what i needed. i started the day with a strong desire to cut. i left the gym with a much better outlook, a much better mental determination. i'm seriously hoping that i don't slip backwards, but i am enjoying every minute of this relief i have now. i was taking for granite my normalcy. it had been so long since i had seriously slipped, and lost the balence i enjoy. i honestly do not think i'm out of this cycle, i thoroughly expect to slip backward, but for now, i am going to enjoy the clam and clarity. i am going to try to read. i should attempt to explain to peter what's been going though my head, but i'm not sure i can do that. i don't think i can be that articulate, i don't have that much clarity.

i also need to deal with my fear of getting fat. there is a part of me that is upset that i put a pound on last week. it is one lousy pound. i keep telling myself that my original goal was 160. i chose that because i could attain and maintain that weight. now that i've gone below that, i want to stay where i am. i hit 148, and i look at myself, and i still see a lot of fat. when i was heavy, i didn't pay attention to it, so i didn't really notice how fat i actually was. now that i have lost weight i have become much more body image conscience. i now see that there is a load of fat on my body. i actually have at least 20-25 more pounds to lose. i don't know if it is practical to try and lose them, but they are there to lose.

SPINNING

i am totally inarticulate today. it's like if you opened my head up and looked in there would be a whirling mass of everything just blowing around. i am so confused, and unable to state anything clearly, that it is frustrating. the desire to cut is back, which i can deal with, but i have to shave my legs (or start braiding them), and that combination scares me. i went down and saw dr r today and she tweaked my meds. hopefully this works. i'm crashing at the wrong time. she leaves at the end of the month.

she is having a hard time leaving. i know she will be happy once she is gone, but the process of going is killing her.

i sure will be glad when i can relax, and the muscle tension goes away. my back ache, and headache have go to go. we are going back up on my meds, and will likely end up where i was before the weight loss. i just can't win. i wish crawling in a hole and sleeping for a while were an option, but that doesn't seem to be on the table.

i seem to have made it through my shower and have shaved my legs without incident. a task i'm not sure would have happened earlier today. it looks like tomorrow is going to be a slow day. i'm hoping to get to the gym. i really need to start doing some light lifting a couple times a week if i truly want to improve my running. i was going to go to dc, but that got cancelled. my house is in sore need of attention, and company is coming in a couple of weeks, there are also a couple of things i need to pick up at the store.

i have a boring life.

i start with the in-law invasion in two weeks, and i'm not sure i'm up for it. they will be here for three weeks, with everyone being here (maybe) for the last week. if i am exhausted now, i can only imagine how tired i will be when they are here, and we are going everywhere. maybe by then i will not feel that i am spinning out of control mentally.

I WISH I COULD RECOVER

i have no clue what is going on. i feel like i am spiraling out of control. i have zero energy, less then before the half. i've been eating well, and have not run all week. i am hoping to hit the gym tomorrow for the first time since the gym, but it is not looking good at the moment. i am scheduled to see the nutritionist on july 17.

my memory is shot too. i wrote a blog page yesterday as well, but the computer didn't save it, and i have no idea what i had down. i would love to re-write it, but i cannot. i am also losing the ability to work. my focus and concentration are off. that may also have something to do with the fact that i don't care about the job right now. i feel like they are putting everyone else ahead of me, and what i want doesn't matter. i have been checking patients in all week, i am exhausted, my back hurts, and i ache all over. i have no energy for anything. on top of all that i feel like i am about to break. i don't know if i am about to cry, or yell, or attack someone. i really do not know what i'm capeable of right now. i want to be alone, asleep, but i'm not sure if it a good idea. i'm toying with the idea of calling porsche and seeing if she wants to go to the gym tomorrow, but i'm not sure i'm reliable. i put in a call to dr richter. hopefully she can see me, and we can figure this out. i really don't know what to do, maybe i really should have called teri, since dr r is leaving.

i want to cut, knowing that it will solve nothing. it will only make me feel worse about the situation. it has been a long time since i've done anything self destructive, and i want to keep it that way. besides, we are coming into summer, and i want to wear short sleeves. my scars look a lot worse since i've lost all the weight. i was hoping they would come together, and be less obvious, but that is not the case. they look worse.

today was the maryland half marathon, 13.1 miles of uphill and downhill. it was a very pretty run, and at times very grueling. the first six miles were very easy i did them in no time, after that, it turned uphill. from about mile 6.5 to mile 8 the hill was not too bad, it was a carroll county uphill. then it turned steep, very steep! robert had just passed me, because miles 5.5 to 8 are an out and back, and he was cruising, making great time. he said that he was slowed to a walk from mile 8.5 to mile 9, it was that brutal. i would have been fine it that were the end of the steep hills, but mile 10.5 to mile 11 was uphill a very steep part of semenary rd. everyone in the pack i was around was slowed to a walk. i was a broken person after that. thankfully i was also very close to the end, and was able to run a good bit of mile 12. it is a good feeling to have accomplished a half marathon be 11 in the morning. robert posted a good time, but it was at least 10 minuted slower than his frederick half, so, i don't feel bad that my time is ten minuted slower than anticipated. i am just glad the event is behind me. all the worry and fear is done. i no longer have to worry about having enough energy for the event, or eating enough for training for the event. i do, however, think it is a good idea to continue to keep my caloric intake up a little.


yesterday, i had a very pleasant dinner with mom, bob,earl, and peter. mom has been wanting to have dinner at the cheesecake factory for a long time, and i was finally able to get her there. she totally enjoyed herself. it was also an excellent pre-race dinner, and i can never resist taking cheesecake home.


the o's lost, but they made it an exciting game to watch. that is about all that can be expected from the youngsters.

my day is now winding down. the only productive thing i've done is laundry. i am tired, and am going to bed early.

reality starts again tomorrow, and i want to again start writing down everything i eat to track how much i am eating. i think it is the best way to make sure i'm getting enough, and at the same time not too much.

i just checked my chip time for the half, and it is 2:55:02. i was hoping for slightly better, but with those hills, i have to be satisfied with those results. i was about a minute per mile off the pace i wanted, but, things could have been much worse.

i am so nervous. i have a two mile track run in a couple of hours. it is a nothing of a run, and i am totally freaking out. i am so nervous that i'm shaking. it is with the local road runners. it is their first of the twilight series. i like doing them because they get me prepared for the bigger races. they remind me not to start too fast and to get used to the feel of being around a crowd of runners, and being the slowest in the group. i need to leave in about 45 minutes, and i am getting totally, absurdly nervous.

the rest of my day went well. it was my last day of work before the half, and everyone wished me well. i kinda treated it like the day before a vacation, my mind wasn't really at work. i ended up having fun, and talked to lori a lot. she has a big triathlon on sunday that she has been focusing on for months. i wished her well, and she invited me over sunday after our big events for a feast. i doubt i'll go. they tend to drink a lot, and that is not my style.

i had a good visit with dr r today. she is an amazing person. she has been a miracle worker in my life. it is funny to see the human side of her. she is spazing over her move. i am so jealous over her opportunity, and after the dust settles, so will she. i hope i helped calm some of her fears today. she is an amazing person with an amazing opportunity, and if anyone can make the most of it, she can. i envy her and her daughters. if they choose to come back, it will be with a different perspective on many things. i think she will have a hard time getting back into the routine she is in now. she has been of so much benefit to me over the past 8 years, that i hope maybe today i was able to give a little back, she definitely deserves it.

just came from the track. it was a great run! the two miles just flew bye. it was raining, and i met a lady named judy. she and her husband are attempting to get into shape to better their golf game. their goal was just to finish. i crossed the finish line with judy. even through the wind and the rain i had a very enjoyable time. i was actually hoping for a slightly slower time. i really wanted to take the run slow and not tire my legs out for sunday. i did a few things smart with this race though, like not starting too fast, and it has left me very confident of not making stupid mistakes on sunday.

the next two days i coast. i eat, hydrate, and get a pedicure. actually saturday will be busy with the running i'm going to do since i'm taking my mom down to towson for packet pick up and to the cheese cake factory for the pre race dinner. she has wanted a meal from there for a long time, and i promised her this a long time ago. bob can't make it until five, so it will be a litter later than i had hoped. they will probably be crowed by then. oh well, we'll deal with it when it comes.

i feel like there is so much i really should write about, but nothing is coming to me. i wonder if i will be productive at all tomorrow.

i think i'm freaking myself out about this weekend. i've worked so hard for it, worried about it, anticipated it, and now it is close. there is nothing i can do now except eat and sleep. i was supposed to have this afternoon off, and that didn't work happen, so i was stuck doing other people work. work was chaos this week as usual. they need to hire someone, and someone who can do everything. they keep hiring na's that don't know how to do much, leaving the fully trained ma's to carry the lions share of the work. then management doesn't understand why we are stress out. they don't understand that incompetent help is worse than no help.

i just need sleep.

on top of everything else, i'm getting my first headache in over three weeks.

today was full of surprises. as usual i had trouble getting up, and was running around and was going to be late for the kingdom hall. i came in from walking the dog and peter pointed out that we had a huge infestation of ants overnight in our kitchen. we did a quick clean up, got rid of food that had ants on them, but i ended up running out and getting some ant spray, staying home, and cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom. it only took a couple of hours to clean everything after it was sprayed, and the ants have not returned. i think i sprayed the point of entry pretty well, and i think we are going to have it treated. i will have a better idea tomorrow. in the mean time, there is nothing left out. i saw three ants in the master bath, so i guess i will be doing the same there tomorrow.


the other surprises, it that the cleaning did not sap me of all energy. i had enough left over to go to the gym. i ran five miles on the treadmill. i slowed it down, and did 12:20 miles, but i was consistent, and felt well. i even had enough energy when i got home to go for a walk with peter and the dog. we went up to bear branch, and walk some of the trails. the pedometer wasn't working properly, but i think we did about three miles. we would have done more, but the dog got tired. we saw deer, a red fox caring something in its mouth, and a duck with about ten chicks. they also have some cages with injured birds. there is a bald eagle among them. they were impressive. lori has started jogging those trails, and someday i hope to join her. trail running is a different experience than road running. one must be very careful, and the scenery is very different.


i had hoped to get my last real run before the half in on tuesday, but i forgot, i'm working all day on tuesday. i think i'm working a half day on wednesday, so i'll put in three of four miles then. thursday i have that track race, but that is only two miles, and i don't intend to push too hard. last place still counts as finishing.

just got done talking with peter about when his family comes to visit. i love his family, all but the one sister. she is so difficult. bud and vina are coming up and will be staying with us for a week, that much we know. we were told that ann and dave were going to stay with up because winnie and john were trying to sell there house and didn't want the clutter around. now i hear that the house is not really ready to sell, even though we have been told it has been on the market for ablout a year. apparently, since the house is not sold, and ann and dave's visit is so close, they have decided they want to host them. winnie is a controlling witch who cannot be trusted with anything. i am tired of her lying to me and changing every ones plans at the last minute. when they announced they were moving to kenya, i said to peter, that it would never happen. it looks like i'm right. they are staying close to irritate me. i was really looking forward to the family being together, it looks like winnie is going to ruin another family gathering.