today has not been a good day. i thought i was going to have a panic attack this morning, and this afternoon didn't go much better. we were short a couple of nurses, so they called tineka in, and she is still soooooo slow, it is unreal. she got very little paper work done, i'm not sure what she did all day. monica was triage with her today, and she is not training her on anything. i feel bad, but i'm in no position to switch things, and train monica, and do all the paperwork too. we are just too understaffed in the back. what really got under my skin was that carolyn was joking with someone, i think pam, that i a couple of weeks when the college kids come back, they will have too much help up front. i kinda thought the point of a dr office was patient care, not moving charts. anyway, it has not been a good day for me. i wanted to look for my xanax, but never took the time. i don't know if i am getting a headache, and am edgy because of that, or if it is the med change or what the problem is. i'm just hoping for a better day tomorrow. i'm an really feeling self injurious for the first time in a while, and i'm hoping it goes a way soon. i also feel like i need to cry, but there is no reason. hopefully the feeling will pass. maybe the intermittent rain is bringing a headache, and that is why i don't feel stable. i'm just hoping tomorrow is a better day. my stomach also hasn't felt right today. i think i'm hungry, but when i eat, it feels like there is already a pit there. i have also been noticing that i am filling up very quickly when i eat lately. i don't know. i think i'm just rambling, or going insane. i just don't even know how to articulate how i feel. i think that's why i cut. i an otherwise unable to convey how badly i feel, but that is unfair. it tells nobody, not even me, how, or why i feel this way. i WANT ANSWERS. what is really at the root of my desire to cut? what is really going on inside my head?