FUNK

still in the funk i've been in. today i have had the compulsion to cut worse than in a long time. i had to take xanax at work, and had to repeat the dose when i got home. it is beginning to take the edge off. i feel so alone and isolated in this battle. all the friends i used to rely on to get me through hard days like today have all moved away. i have totally lost touch with them. i miss having a best friend, someone i have this ten year history with. i feel very alone. i want to cut. i wish i could cry. one is unacceptable, and one i am just programed not to do for some reason. i am just lost.

DOCTORLESS

all of my docs are leaving me. dr. pagano took maternity leave three years ago and decided not to come back, and i never really found another pcp. that didn't matter too much because i had a psy and a neurologist at the time. dr. r is taking a year off, and we will see if she comes back. i could deal with that because i like teri, and am very comfortable with her. i just got a letter in the mail today letting me know that maureen is no longer with dr. ribera. this is not good timing since my migraines are increasing again, and i was due to see her again in a few weeks. i just feel doctor-less. i didn't even mention that dr b left our office. that does free her up to see me as a pcp, if i want to drive to towson every time i get a cold. i'm not sure i want to drive 45 minutes for every doctor, and for everything. i trust dr b, but it is a long drive to have my sinuses' treated.

it was just a bad way to end a good day. i was kept busy at work, and that is how i like it. the day went by in no time. tomorrow i only work a half day and plan to hit the gym for a hard run and lift hard.

NEW MOOD/NEW CHANGE

peter and i had our 21st wedding anniversary yesterday. i still cannot believe that he has stayed with me after everything i put him through. sometimes i think the nightmare is behind me, then there are days like today. i just want to cut. it has not been that way all day, but the pressure has built as the day has progressed. this may be a reflection of curtailing my xanax use, but i hate taking that stuff.

NEW MODEM

it is nice to have the computer back. our modem broke so we had to order a new one. we were without the internet for about a week. it was a strange presence missing from the house. once we had the net back life got very busy, or is it still very busy. i have increased my running and gym activity since my next half is close, and i'm trying to do more in the field service activity. life is busy, and although i'm tired a lot, i'm enjoying much.

peter and i went away last weekend. we took a long weekend and went to ocean city. it was in the 70s and gorgeous! i may have had the run of my life. i ran 13.5 miles in 2:42:00! that was 12 min/miles. i have never actually kept up the 12 minute pace after ten miles. i was thrilled to see that i had done it over 13 miles. this gives me confidence going into septembers virginia beach's half. i just have to get past frederick's half first. i need to do some hill work in the next six weeks. i can get myself prepared. i have six weeks to do it. i have discovered that my quads need some work, but that too can be done. i am just ecstatic about the run i had. i employed some tactics mentioned in the recent runners world. when my quads started to hurt i concentrated on the work FOCUS. i wanted to focus on the goal. also near the end when i was tired i played pick off the pedestrian. i just kept up my pace and enjoyed passing the walkers. i pretended they were others runners in a race. anyway, it kept my enjoying the run, and it was the run of my life. i had a blast, even with the wind in my face the last two miles.

the rest of the vacation was very relaxing. we decided to go very last minute, and had no real expectations. that was a great way to go. peter found some great deals. we got a great rate on the hotel, and had some meals for almost nothing. the weather was totally in our favor. the ncaa basketball tournament started, so even out time at the hotel was fun, and relaxing. all the stores on the boardwalk opened up (except for my favorite ice cream place), so we were even able to do some crap shopping. overall it was a GREAT time.

mentally i am doing better. i head back to work today, and am doing it with a migraine, so it will be interesting. i hope my relaxed felling holds. work has not been totally relaxed recently. i was supposed to see teri this week, but the office called and cancelled that appointment. i need to reschedule. hopefully she can see me next week. she never did return my phone call. i hope everything is ok with her. i cleaned out my purse last week and got rid of a lot of loose papers, but kept the positive affirmations she gave me. i do value her opinion and her advice. strange, i thought she would just be keeping dr r's seat warm, but i have come to depend on her, and appreciate how she has brought me though this recent/current manic episode.

my best friend from high school is coming into town today. i am so excited. i think i can see her on friday. it is going to be a long week if i can't see her until then. hopefully i can talk to her before then. i found the best present for her in ocean city. she mentioned doing dinner and a movie on friday, but my guess is we will talk too much to actually see a movie. i am so excited.

i have a busy week ahead. no wonder i am tired so much of the time.

LONG RUN AND MANIA

ok, it is 55 out today, and i got an eight mile run in today. i'm still a very slow runner, but it was nice to get outside and run. i seriously need to do more hill work in the next seven weeks. the frederick half has hills in it, and i have not done a hill before today, in over a month. it felt good to hit pavement and not the treadmill or elliptical.

i thought yesterday or maybe it was the day before (friday) that the new med changes were working, now i'm not sure. i have not taken the xanax in a couple days, and my concentration is gone. i cannot focus on anything. i wish i were able to read, or even follow a tv program, but it is just not happening. teri told me to call her after a couple weeks. i guess it is reasonable to assume that it can take that long for med changes to take affect. i just want instant gratification. i want self control now, or at least the measure of control i had before.

i am so afraid that something will totally push me over the edge. something will happen that i feel i cannot handle, and i will want to cut. i have been so good for so long, i don't want to go back. i am scared to go back. i don't want to start the cycle over again. i want to say i'm not prepared to start the cycle again, but there is no preparing for something like that. nothing, no amount of experience, can prepare someone for that battle. i cannot go back. going there is not acceptable, and yet, mania is where the trouble starts. if i stay in this mind set, i will do something stupid, that i will eventually regret, and i don't know...(how to complete this sentence). i'm just screwed if i mess up again. i don't know how many more times my husband can deal with me if i start cutting again. i am so edgy, and not dealing with things well, and something must change soon.

i guess until my mind changes i have to continue to take the xanax daily. i so don't want to become an addict.

MORE OF THE SAME

ran fast again today. i'm afraid that when i crash, it will be hard. i'm moving so hard and so fast it is unreal. i'm talking too fast at work that it is confusing others, and am pushing myself at the gym every time i go. i am concerned about the crash. in the mean time, how much damage will i do? nothing has happened yet, but i am concerned that something will.

work was uneventful, and the gym was nothing special. i hit the elliptical and did a grueling program. it had hills and was five miles in under 50 minutes. i was pleased with that. i came home and plotted out a new run that i was hoping would be 15 miles, but is only 12. i hope to do that this weekend, but i'm not sure that will happen since we are busy. it hit me suddenly on sunday that i have less than 8 weeks left until my next half. i want this to be a better experience which me being better prepared. i have done well with keeping up with long runs, but i need to get back outside and deal with real hills. i am getting too obsessive about my running, not to the point on not enjoying it, but i can see myself getting too obsessive. i just cannot stop. my mind cannot stop.

RIVED UP

not thrilled with whatever stage i'm in mentally right now. i'm taking the increased risperdal, and the daily xanax, and i'm still wired. there has not been a day gone by that i have not felt like yelling at somebody. so far everything has been contained, but i thought the battle would be easier with the increased meds. i'm surprised i'm having such a hard time. i want to say nothing is going on, but we are stretched a little thin at work with people being out sick this week. management thinks it is a good idea to survive on a skeleton staff to start, so short staff makes things interesting. the last two days the only thing i've been doing is eating. i'm slipping back into old habits, and that is not good. i also for the first time this episode want to cut! i have not yet, and do not intend to, but i hate the fact that i'm thinking about it. i have done so well for so long i do not want to back slide now.

i went to the gym yesterday and had a great/hard work out. i hope to do the same tomorrow. i was surprised that all the sedatives i had the energy, but i had a ton of energy. i also had a manic amount of energy at work today, which was good since i had to check in patients in the far side of the building for three providers all day. i ran a lot at work today. i hope i have another hard work out in me tomorrow. the weekend should be nice, in the 50s. i should be able to hit the road again. i have not run on the road in over a month between the snow and ice (i miss the road). my next half is in less than two months and i want to finish strong. i did 12 miles on the elliptical on saturday, but that is not the same as the road. i also have not dealt with hill in a month, and the half has hills. i am so excited to breath real air, and hit actual pavement.

there is no getting away from it, or going around it, i just want to scream. peter is downstairs eating his dinner, watching tv, totally minding his own business, yet i want to yell at him to turn the tv down. the problem is that it is not up very loud! i cannot make out what the individuals are saying. i'm just in a mood, but i'm stuck in this mood. i wish i was one to self medicate. i would do something stupid like get drunk, or take too much percocet or dilaudid, just to escape for a couple of hours. hopefully i will be able to fall asleep in a couple of hours and will not have to fight this battle until tomorrow.

i just do not want to be me at this moment.