UP AND AT UM????????

we went to heather and ben's wedding yesterday. everything was great. they could not have asked for a nicer day. everything turned out perfectly.

i was exhausted afterward, and was asleep a little after ten. i had everything set to run early this morning. the problem was i did not set my alarm. it turned out not to be an issue since i woke up at four, and could not fall back asleep. i was out the door at five. it has been a long time since i have seen a sunrise, it was pretty. i am tired now. i am always tired, and my running has slowed down. i need to cut back on some of my meds. i feel over medicated. i just want to sleep all the time. my running has gone from slow to what feels like reverse, or like i'm in a slow motion pic. this is a horrible place to be in because my mood has been so good, but what good is that if i'm in a coma?

christopher remains in a good mood. i want to talk to carolyn tomorrow to see if we have any summer openings at our office. he could help get caught up on filing. a job is a job, and his mother will let him stay longer if he is working. the longer he is away from daryll the better. he is safer here, there is nobody undermining his self-esteem.

i want a nap, but i am afraid that if i do fall asleep it will interfere with my healthy sleep/wake pattern.

SO MUCH TO CATCH UP

there has been so much that has happened since my last blog both good and bad. i have had the run of my life! there was a morning, a sunday i think, that i got out of bed early and ran the four and a half mile route from my house. it has rolling hills, and i have always hated hills. this morning everything came together, and i mastered the hills!!!! it was a great feeling. now i know i can do those hills. i have been able to run up those hills one time since then because now i know it is possible. perspective is a funny thing, all of the sudden, those hills do not look so big.

work remains work. there are days that i want to walk away from that place, and then there are days that i realize that i will never have it so good. management loves me, and i ultimately have it very good where i am. i am part time with paid time off. management works with me as far as the bipolar goes. they are understanding. the providers i work with have respect for me and my professional ethics. many of the patients know me, and love me. the addicts know me and hate me because the providers use me to tell them no, or that they have to wait. i have also become very good at the skills required for my job. ultimately i enjoy what i do.

my life is good. i am married to a man who treats me very well. i could not ask for someone who balances me any better. he is mr. calm. my job is well suited to me, and i am developing friendships that i hope will be lasting.

christopher is in for two weeks. he will be going to the district convention with us. i suspect he will be staying longer that the designated two weeks. the last time his family asked if they could stay a week they stayed six months. i am having fun with chirs, and meeting some of the friends around his age, and their parents. he has been spending a lot of time at breann's house, and i have come to know her mother better. that has been fun. he has enjoyed himself, and the parents have appreciated having an older teenager around to entertain the younger kids and chaperon mike and breann. they have a pool and chris has had a lot of fun.

i remain tired all the time, but my mood is good. there is no desire to cut. i want to go to bed early, and sleep in every day. this can be a problem when i am running a 17 year old around. the dry mouth continues to be irritating, but i am learning to deal with that. the meds have slowed down my running, but it is hard to tell what is the fault of the meds and what to blame on the heat. i hope to run ten and a half on sunday before the meeting.

i do not know if anything here makes sense, i have a migraine. sometimes too, i think the meds are making me slower. my reflexes are slower, and my thinking is slower. i have definitely not been articulate today. heather and ben get married tomorrow, and i hope i am up to going to the wedding.

i know there is more to catch up on, but i have no idea what it is at this time. perhaps later i can do a better job of catching playing catch up.

QUIT

i am ready to quit everything today. since the last med increase i have not had a good workout, and am tired constantly, getting out of bed is a workout in itself. i overslept again today. i had the tws 5k last night and felt great all day, but when it came time to run my legs felt like lead. today at the gym, once i did get up, my run was horrible, no, that is an understatement, i actually quit two miles early, lifted, and caught the remaining two on the elliptical. i can count the number of times i have quit a run early on one hand, and i have been running for three years. in march i felt so ready for my halfs, now, i have gone so far backwards that i am not sure i can run five miles. i feel ready to quit running.

i also want to quit taking my meds. the problem with that is that i think it would literally kill me, or i would kill myself as a result. i don't want to go back there. on the other hand, they have slowed down my metabolism, caused fatigue, and not i am totally demotivated to do anything. i do not know what to do. i think i am stuck here, in the land of fat and fatigue. i cause chaos without the meds, and have lost the ability to function with them.

am i asking too much to have enough energy to work 28-32 hours a week, and exercise enough to not gain weight (now, lose the weight i have put back on)?

UP AND OUT

i successfully got up early this morning to do my long run. that is where my morning success ends. it took forever to run up those hills, and i mean forever! it took almost two and a half hours to run ten and a half miles! looking back, i did not eat right or hydrate properly yesterday. the humidity was also over 50%, and i always struggle when that is the case. there were several reasons to declare this run a failure, BUT, i was the only runner i saw. i passed several houses, and two cyclist, but no other runners, so i deserve high points for getting out there and doing it. for all the negatives, there are several positives, one, i actually got out of bed and did it, and two, i always feel that i am a stronger runner after running that course. there is so much uphill on that route there is no choice that to become stronger. one day i want to run it backwards and see how if feels. i am courious to see what the uphill/downhill ratio feels like. a flat ten mile course now should feel like nothing.

we had hospitality after the meeting, and they were our old friends eric and tammy wessman. we always have fun with them. i was really looking forward to seeing them when peter made the mistake of inviting frank along. i don't like him, he grates me the wrong way. he monopolized the conversation. we were not able to do a lot of catching up. eric is now the talk coordinator for the red line congregation, and asked peter if he would be available to give a talk at the last minute if the need arrives. it would be nice to go up there to see them since they have always come down to westminster.

there was a bridal shower for heather yesterday. spent too much on her gift, but, it was fun. it got me to thinking that i have not done enough with brandy. she is showing more independence from her mom and i need to encourage this. i was talking to her and emily at the hall today about having the two of them over one night. they both said they thought is sounded like fun. we also want to have andy and some of his friends over some time this summer for a day trip, or something. i know the kids are not out yet, but if i don't move now it will be august and we will be cramming to get things in before they go back to school.

CAN I DO IT ALL?

i had an amazingly productive day yesterday, week even. i have accomplished everything i had set out to do. i should have been well rested since i had monday off, so i did not have to work into the evening. i was able to get to bed early. teri tweaked my anafranil, and it has been a major adjustment. getting out of bed is next to impossible. my mood is better, but my need for sleep is extreme. wednesday night i took my meds very early, slept well, and was able to get up very early thursday. had the best day ever (maybe). went for a four and a half mile run, went to work, picked strawberry's, went back to work, fell back into the bed. i only worked a total of nine hours. i should not have needed twelve hours of sleep, and still be nonfunctional today. i am exhausted. nothing is getting done. the heat and humidity may be contributing to my lethargy, but i am moping in air conditioning. my big goal to salvage the day is to make it to the gym.

i can not really say nothing has been done, the kitchen is clean, and the living room has been touched up, but i am exhausted, and it took hours to do those chores. i just want to take a long nap, roll over and go to bed. i know i can go to bed early tonight, but i should not have to do that after working a nine hour day. that should not throw me off this much. i should be able to recover better than this.

addendum:

i did get to the gym, and do four miles on the elliptical. it has given me enough energy to make dinner, and do two loads of laundry. these are not exactly high energy tasks, but they are done, and i do not have them hovering over my head for the weekend.

i did not realize how busy my weekend was scheduled to be until i spoke with peter a couple of hours ago. i have a wedding shower tomorrow, and sunday i want to get in a long run early, then we are taking the speaker out to lunch after the meeting.

hope i can do it all.

MAYBE BACK TO ROUTINE

today, and the past couple of days have been good days. nothing special have made them good, in fact they have been very routine. i just have not been obsessive about anything. that is a great relief. teri doubled my anafrinal, and it appears to be helping.

peter installed a screen door on the front of the house yesterday! after eight years of asking, he did it. i am so excited. we now can have light in that corner, and better air flow downstairs. i love light. tony bartlette did most of the work, and we took him and maria out to dinner last night. overall it was a good day.

i had to work yesterday. it is memorial day weekend, and i thought it would be slow, i thought wrong. we were extremely busy. ben even sent two people to the hospital. there were refills galore. there was plenty of work to keep everyone occupied the entire four hours we were open.

i was able to do a little bit of reading yesterday! it was the first time i was able to concentrate well enough to read in months! i was thrilled, ecstatic even. it was an awake magazine. i was able to read it from cover to cover, and even start the latest watchtower. i may even be able to finish that today and start a book! i cannot remember the last time i was able to pick up a book. maybe i am getting ahead of myself, but i can foresee the concentration coming back. the dry mouth is not fun, but the trade off may be worth the inconvenience.

A BETTER DAY

today is/was a new day. i am glad i did not do anything yesterday that i regret. since two providers had the day off, i was given a bonus day off. i was totally non productive. i was shocked to realize that it was noon when i got out of bed. i kept trying to get up earlier, but my body would not let me. it just was not happening.

i wish i could say that i cleaned the house, or did something useful, but that is not the case. the most productive thing i did was walk the dog. i did some shopping, then went to the gym. i did a short elliptical run, then lifted. i am enjoying lifting more and more. there was also the first race in the twilight series with the westminster road runners. it was just a two miler. i finished last, but i showed up, and finished. i also met some others runners, some new to running, some who have been running for over twenty years. despite the heat, i enjoyed myself.

i stopped in at michael's today to pick up some bandannas for running, and also purchased some markers and something to color. i am hoping it will give my hands something to do when they want to be self destructive. i need a better place to go to when i am in that mind frame. yesterday was not a good day, and i do not care to repeat it, but i think i will, and soon. work it trying to kill me by having me continually do the work of two people. i am not able to run on days i work because i am so tired. i need to find an acceptable outlet.

teri gave me a couple of positive affirmations a few months ago. i pulled them out and looked at them today. one of them reminds me to give myself permission to not be perfect. i have to remember that. not all days are going to be good days. my head is going to betray me sometimes. i need to always remember that things turn back around, good days exist.

i see teri tomorrow. i wonder what else the day will bring.