it is memorial day weekend and the weather is nice. it is in the low 80s and sunny outside, i just wish i had the energy to enjoy it. i have no clue what is going on. i worked this morning, and my coffee got me through, but now it is early afternoon, and i'm exhausted. i have been taking zyrtec the last couple of weeks, and that can make ppl drowsy, but it shouldn't make me this bad, besides, i take it at night. i have been sleeping well, nothing is waking me up once i am asleep, and i'm falling asleep earlier. last night i fell asleep shortly after ten and had trouble waking up for work. i drug myself out of bed shortly after seven. the fatigue really has me worried. i have no clue how i will do in the half. i hope once i get going i can stay in motion. i will have coffee on the way there, and will consume some caffeine on the course, but, i'm not sure it will be enough. i have always finished what i have started, and i don't mind finishing last, but i have not run in two days, and today my legs felt heavy at work. there is no reason for that feeling. it is the same feeling i get the day after a long run, but there was absolutely no running yesterday. i am trying to taper for the race, and only plan to run three more time before the big race. this is scaring me. i set up a follow up appointment with my regular doctor in a couple of weeks, and hopefully he can run some blood work, and find something out.

i saw the dr yesterday for this itchy rash, and got a cream for an allergy. i hope it works. the rash is driving me crazy.

i would love to get some house cleaning done today, but, if i were a gambling person, i would bet against it. work took all my energy out of me, i am not tired, and have no energy left to clean. peter's family is coming in a little over a month, and i hope to have the house clean for them, thankfully i have over a month. maybe when i have this half out of the way i will have more energy, but i doubt it, besides, i have another half to jump right into training for. not that the training will be super intense, because, my body is not allowing for super intense right now. there is so much i would like to get done around the house this weekend, because it will just mean less to do later, but i'm not sure i have the energy.

is this a physical energy thing, or am i depressed?

just came from tony and maria's. they invited us over for dinner. we had a good time. they served mexican food. it was great. i guess i'm tired, because i'm now sounding like a fun with dick and jane book.

i'm going to bed. i'm going to the kingdom hall tomorrow, and am hoping to get in a five mile run. hopefully porsche can meet me at the gym, but i haven't talked to her yet.

wow, it has been over a week since my last post. i've thought about posting several times, but i've just been tired. everything else is going well. there is nothing new going on in my life. work has been ok, just the usual strangeness going on, nothing out of the ordinary there. running has become more difficult recently, but i blame that on the fatigue. i have had a hard time putting five miles together on the treadmill, but have had decent runs outside for my long runs. i did this weeks long run on saturday because it was supposed to be the nicer of the weather days, and i completed nine miles in 1:48! i was shocked when i came in under two hours. i took a couple of walk breaks, but a couple of times i hit the info button on my ipod and it said i was doing better than 10:30 min/miles, i was thrilled. i should be reassured for the half marathon since my long runs have been so good, but i still feel very unprepared.

i met with teri today, dr r replacement. she seems very nice, and to know what she is doing. dr r has me in a good place, and i honestly think i'm ok with her leaving. i would be lying if i said i had no reservations, but, i'm doing much better than when she found me, and she is entitled to an adventure. i just hope she can enjoy her year off. i will miss her, but i am much more capable of dealing with this than in the past. i really think there will be continuity of care with teri.

doing better since my last post. the weather has been nice this weekend. yesterday was supposed to rain, but ended up being nice all day, and today it was cooler and windy, but was very sunny and nice. i did manage to get out of the house both yesterday and today. i think/hope i have all my errands done for the weekend.

the weather was right, so i went for an eight mile run to dq and back. i almost called it quits and had peter pick me up mid way. i had cramps and didn't feel well. i have never quit a run before, and am pleased i didn't today, but i didn't feel well out there today. the skirt i wore to the kh today was bigger than i remember which means i must have lost more weight. i'm not sure i'm eating enough, which might be why i didn't feel well today. i really do need to figure out how to eat more often, instead of more at a time. it is just hard to eat during patient hours when i'm at work. outside of the osha rules against it, we are just too busy. i am pleased with how my taste have changed, and i no longer crave sweets like i used to, but i need to figure out how/when to consume about 200-300 calories per day more. i think i would feel better.

we saw the new star trek movie today. we were very impressed, and enjoy ourselves. we were not expecting much, and were pleasantly surprised. the humor kept to the original story line, and the special effects were not over done. there was a lot that could have gone wrong, or have been done over the top, but we thought it was well done.

today had been a slightly better day. the catch is i didn't leave the house. i took some xanax before bed last night so i over slept and got up late. ended up doing nothing with the morning. the only thing i did in the afternoon was clean the downstairs a little, and hit the treadmill. the run was really lame. i managed five miles, but my lungs just had a hard time keeping up. it must be humid. i also ran in the basement instead of at the air conditioned gym. i'm sure that had an impact.

i was able to talk to dr r, and she bumped my effexor back up to 225, and set out a plan of going to 1.5 of the rispirdal if i need more help. that should be a good plan. going back to status quo should solve the problem, and if not, adding the rispirdal had always been helpful.

things could be worse. she is having problems with her mother who had altimzers. i remember all the problems we had with peters grandmother, and i do not envy dr r.

i have to get out tomorrow. if i don't go out with friends, i'm going to get a pedicure, just to make myself get out. just thinking about going out is making my stomach nervous. i cannot believe how badly i'm doing, but i cannot live inside my house. i will have to make myself do something.

i wish porsche were returning my calls, at least then i'd have someone to bounce things off of and tell me how unreasonable i'm being. maybe she would go shopping or get a pedicure with me. i should see her on sunday. i hope she and boys are feeling well, the last time i spoke with her the boys were ill.

my runner's world has not arrived for the month. i wonder if i have the concentration to read. it took me all of april to read last months rw because of the headaches. i have been pain free this week. i am guessing because the barometric pressure has stayed low. i wonder how i would do if i found a good book to read.

not a much better day today. i've continued with the feeling in my stomach that a tree has rooted and is growing there. it just doesn't feel right. my nerves are shot. it's like i've had too much coffee when i clearly have not had too much coffee. i have no idea what to do. i went down to see cathy today, but i don't think that did any good. we talked for a while, but i still don't feel well. i was planning to go to the gym, but porsche never called back, so i went home, then to cathy's. in the end, i blew off the gym. my running has really suffered this week, but i really just wanted to be alone. i was almost afraid to be out today.

they also had me training christy in the back today. she was hired for the front, but has decided to pursue her nursing degree. the infinite wisdom of management has decided to keep her on for thrusday nights and saturdays in the back (a worthless seven hours). it fell on me today to "train" her how we do stuff. i don't think i'm qualified to train someone a years worth on education in a morning, nor do i even see the point for as little as she will be working. i honestly don't even think she will be with us long after she starts nursing school anyway. it's more like how much more can we frustrate mary ann.

i just feel like i can't handle my life right now. i feel like i'm spinning out of control, or like my head is about to pop off.

today has not been a good day. i thought i was going to have a panic attack this morning, and this afternoon didn't go much better. we were short a couple of nurses, so they called tineka in, and she is still soooooo slow, it is unreal. she got very little paper work done, i'm not sure what she did all day. monica was triage with her today, and she is not training her on anything. i feel bad, but i'm in no position to switch things, and train monica, and do all the paperwork too. we are just too understaffed in the back. what really got under my skin was that carolyn was joking with someone, i think pam, that i a couple of weeks when the college kids come back, they will have too much help up front. i kinda thought the point of a dr office was patient care, not moving charts. anyway, it has not been a good day for me. i wanted to look for my xanax, but never took the time. i don't know if i am getting a headache, and am edgy because of that, or if it is the med change or what the problem is. i'm just hoping for a better day tomorrow. i'm an really feeling self injurious for the first time in a while, and i'm hoping it goes a way soon. i also feel like i need to cry, but there is no reason. hopefully the feeling will pass. maybe the intermittent rain is bringing a headache, and that is why i don't feel stable. i'm just hoping tomorrow is a better day. my stomach also hasn't felt right today. i think i'm hungry, but when i eat, it feels like there is already a pit there. i have also been noticing that i am filling up very quickly when i eat lately. i don't know. i think i'm just rambling, or going insane. i just don't even know how to articulate how i feel. i think that's why i cut. i an otherwise unable to convey how badly i feel, but that is unfair. it tells nobody, not even me, how, or why i feel this way. i WANT ANSWERS. what is really at the root of my desire to cut? what is really going on inside my head?

fabo day today. i was dreading going into work, but everything was caught up! i could not have been happier. we had very few people calling convinced that they had the swine flu and that they needed tamiflu, and i have also gotten pretty good at telling them (over the phone anyway) that they do not meet cdc standards for getting the medicine. i would have left work on time but there was one patient who came in right before closing who of course needed a couple injections and had to wait to see if she was going to react to those injections.

i wanted to run as soon as i got home, but i had a headache, and was hungry. i decided to eat thinking that it may solve both problems. it did not help with the headache, but i was at least no longer hungry. pt and i ended up watching the o's game for a while. his car was in the shop, so we picked it up, then i went on to run. i had a great run. i ran the bypass again. i wanted to run what i think is a 13 mile run. the last time it took me 2:50:00 to do it, this time i was hoping for 2:45:00, i did it in 2:34:21! they ended up being 11:53/mile! i could not be happier. that is what i've been doing on the flat treadmill at the gym! i wonder if i will do so well in an actual race. i have also observed that i am better at running uphill. when i run downhill i end up going too fast and develop a stitch. the result of which is i require a walk break. i made a real effort today to take much shorter walk breaks. i also think i may invest in an aqua belt so i don't have to carry my water with me on my long runs. my hands hurt after caring a water bottle 13 miles.

anyway, the bottom line is that i am very happy with how the day went. i felt rough after the run, and i still have my headache, but it is no worse after the run. i need to run despite mild headaches, and rain (even though it didn't rain today, just called for it). if i have to deal with these conditions on race day, the race still goes continues. headaches have been a part of my life long enough, that i have to deal with them despite whatever i have planned, and that includes running. i am glad i ran today despite the headache.