RIVED UP

not thrilled with whatever stage i'm in mentally right now. i'm taking the increased risperdal, and the daily xanax, and i'm still wired. there has not been a day gone by that i have not felt like yelling at somebody. so far everything has been contained, but i thought the battle would be easier with the increased meds. i'm surprised i'm having such a hard time. i want to say nothing is going on, but we are stretched a little thin at work with people being out sick this week. management thinks it is a good idea to survive on a skeleton staff to start, so short staff makes things interesting. the last two days the only thing i've been doing is eating. i'm slipping back into old habits, and that is not good. i also for the first time this episode want to cut! i have not yet, and do not intend to, but i hate the fact that i'm thinking about it. i have done so well for so long i do not want to back slide now.

i went to the gym yesterday and had a great/hard work out. i hope to do the same tomorrow. i was surprised that all the sedatives i had the energy, but i had a ton of energy. i also had a manic amount of energy at work today, which was good since i had to check in patients in the far side of the building for three providers all day. i ran a lot at work today. i hope i have another hard work out in me tomorrow. the weekend should be nice, in the 50s. i should be able to hit the road again. i have not run on the road in over a month between the snow and ice (i miss the road). my next half is in less than two months and i want to finish strong. i did 12 miles on the elliptical on saturday, but that is not the same as the road. i also have not dealt with hill in a month, and the half has hills. i am so excited to breath real air, and hit actual pavement.

there is no getting away from it, or going around it, i just want to scream. peter is downstairs eating his dinner, watching tv, totally minding his own business, yet i want to yell at him to turn the tv down. the problem is that it is not up very loud! i cannot make out what the individuals are saying. i'm just in a mood, but i'm stuck in this mood. i wish i was one to self medicate. i would do something stupid like get drunk, or take too much percocet or dilaudid, just to escape for a couple of hours. hopefully i will be able to fall asleep in a couple of hours and will not have to fight this battle until tomorrow.

i just do not want to be me at this moment.

MORE MED CHANGES

it's been another long week, and i have been out of control and anxious most of the time. i also have accomplished nothing because i cannot concentrate or keep my thoughts together long enough to accomplish a simple task like unloading and reloading the dishwasher. i saw teri yesterday and she made some familiar changes by adding .5 of rispirdal in the morning, and encouraged me to use more xanax. today i have been a zombie, and that is without the xanax. it will be interesting to see what the next few days/weeks bring. i hate going manic.

NEW DAY

what a difference a day can make! i don't know if i just needed time to myself, or what the change is, but i had a significantly more productive day than usual. gave the dog a longer walk than usual, got the kitchen and all three bathrooms cleaned as well as some shopping today. i also had the best run in over a week! there is still some cleaning yet to do tonight like put the bed back together, but still much has been done then expected.

peter is playing racketball with a friend. he is coming over for dinner and movies. i guess i get to dirty up my clean kitchen. i'm just so proud of how clean it is right now, it is bleached clean.

this feeling may not be a good thing. i'm starting to think big for the weekend, like a long run. if it warm enough i may try eight miles outdoors. i need to assess the snow situation. it has been 40 the last two days, so there has been a lot of melting, but i am concerned that people cannot see me around snow banks. it is still hard seeing to pull out at the bottom of our hill.

i don't know what to make of this fact, but the dog wants nothing to do with me since getting back from the gym. i don't know if cleaning the bathrooms freaks her out, but something is going on. she is always in the same room with me, but right now i have no idea where she is, i just know she is not in the computer room with me. i wonder if i am going manic and she senses something, thus does not want to be around??? the next few days may be interesting.

LONG WEEK

peter did a great job in his talk on sunday. we also had a great time at lunch after with stacey and rachael. it has been a long time since i've spent any quality time with them, and truly miss them. their lives are going well, they seem happy with their spouses, and stacey and josh are eagerly expecting their first child in may. i could not be happier for them.

the rest of the week has been very long. getting back to my usual routine has not been good for me. i don't know why. i'm tired and cranky. i just wanted to rip someone's head off at work today, and my runs this week have been torture. i have not recovered from saturday's long run. not to mention that i have put on my traditional pound this week.

i feel like i am beginning to go out of control. i cannot concentrate, i am just starting to have trouble holding the temper in check, and i am exhausted. i was supposed to see teri last week, but that got cancelled because of the snow. i will see her next thursday.

MORE SNOW, MORE WORK

what a week! i actually worked more hours than usual, and that included taking wednesday and thursday off because i could not get out due to the snow. we got another 21 inches. i felt horrible for not helping peter shovel more than an hour. i had the worst migraine on thursday. it has been probably six months since i've had one that bad. i could not remember how much pain medicine i took. i was so grateful it was gone when i woke up for work on friday. alicia, timika, nicole, and i worked hard and kept it together this week. i tried to explain to dr rocha today that we deserve bonus', but he didn't see it my way (what a surprise).

i gutted out 11 miles on the treadmill today. it was enjoyable because i had someone to talk to between miles 6-9. they are hard, boring miles. i felt no pain while i was talking to him, but as soon as he was done, i hurt. the last two miles were rough. i need a running partner. i haven't lifted all week, but i hope to do that in the morning.

peter gives the talk in glade valley tomorrow. we don't have to leave until 11:30. it will be strange not having to rush out early. i wonder if he picked out a song from the new songbook.

TIRED

i've worked a lot of hours the last couple of weeks, and this week is starting off the same way. heather at work is flaking out, and only working when it is convenient, and management putting up with that, leaves extra burden on me. i like the extra pay, and the account is very low right now, but i am very tired right now. i'm trying to do it all. i need to bend somewhere. today was the first scheduled day i've missed the gym in a couple of weeks. i don't want to let up there because of the increase weight, but something has to give. yesterday i worked 12 hours! we were so short staffed that i checked in every patient for every provider for all 12 hours. most of the day there were only four providers, but a few hours there were five providers. i actually had a good time, and the day raced by, but today i'm exhausted.

my mind has also been racing for the last month-ish. i'm having a harder time winding down at night, and recently have been waking up early with my mind just running. i see teri thrusday and i hope i remember to say something to her.

i hope i actually get down to see her, we are getting more snow. they are calling for another 10-20 inches! it is not going to be as easy to dig out from this one, there is no place to put this snow. the roads were bad for the drive home tonight. i didn't go over 25mph, and it took almost 45 min to do my usual 20-25 min drive. peter called over an hour ago, he was 25 min away and traffic was not moving. i have no idea when i will see him. i just hope i don't have to go into work tomorrow so i can sleep in.

speaking of my mind racing (it jumps and makes no sense as well). i had a very productive day on superbowl sunday. the oven finally got cleaned, all the laundry got done, the last of the shoveling got done, ran five miles at the gym, and made dinner for the week. i think it was one of my more productive days in a long time. it all goes back to my mind racing. i woke up at five and could not fall back asleep. i was up early, started with chores, walked the dog at first light, and just kept on moving.

the superbowl was a good game, but i just could not get into it this year. the sentimental favorite won, the new orleans saints.

i think i just need sleep to sound comprehend-able.

SNOW, SNOW, AND MORE SNOW!!!!!!!

did i mention it snowed here over the last 24 hours? we got over two feet! i love a good snow weekend. i slept all morning! i could not believe it when i woke up and it was 11:00! i really must have needed the sleep. i was hoping to get a lot of house work done this morning, but that obviously did not happen. my oven is not clean, and my kitchen is not clean. i, however, feel great. this afternoon peter and i shoveled out the cars and started on the mailbox area. we shoveled for 2.5 hours. peter was surprised at how long i could keep up. he was ready to come in before i was. there is more to do around the mailbox, but the driveway is passable. we actually cheated on the driveway. jerry from next door came over with his snowblower and got us started. he did the sidewalk, and swiped up beside the cars a couple of times. that was a tremendous help. we still had to clean the cars, then shovel all of that, do the walk way to the house, and the mailbox area. the snowplow only came within about five feet of the mailbox, so that is a huge task, but we are over half done.

i got some theocratic studying done today. i have a talk on tuesday (which may be snowed out because of another storm coming) that i have to write, and i did a lot of research for it. i also started the new watchtower. there is also a new awake that i would like to read this weekend. the meeting has been cancelled for tomorrow already, so i will have some extra time. that being said, i have big plans for tomorrow. i want to finish writing the talk, finish shoveling out the mailbox, and if the gym is open, i want to run, not to mention it is superbowl sunday. i plan to watch that. i have no idea how i will get it all done.

i need to get my neck/arm looked at sometime. the occasional numbness of my deltoid is annoying. i think it is related to my neck, and can cause arm weakness. i don't know if i will see someone this week since i'm seeing teri on thursday. i think i have friday afternoon open, i will have to double check.