OFF

off to san antonio in the morning and a half marathon on sunday. excited to see nessa and the kids.

TOO MUCH

just another bad day at work. it seems that i'm having more of them than good lately. i feel that i'm getting no support from anybody there except maybe alicia. i so wanted to walk out tonight, i'm not sure what stopped me.

i'm also taking mom's set back with her need of chemo harder than i thought. it is the first time she sounded scared, and that worries me. i'm hoping she will rebound, but at 79, she may not.

i wanted to pack last night for this coming weekend because i have so much to do this week, but that didn't happen.

i wonder if i'm putting too much on myself. i just feel overwhelmed with everything.

RETURNING TO SELF?

the last couple of days have felt like a return to normalcy. i feel like i've gone through the worst of the bad days, and have more good days ahead. at least that is how i felt until my mom called a little while ago. she has had a minor set back with her oncologist, and will have to have four rounds of chemo before starting radiation. she did not sound well over the phone. i think this has been a real blow to her. she has been very positive through this process, and suddenly she sounds like the wind has been knocked out of her. i feel so bad for her, and there is nothing i can do. i feel so guilty for going away next weekend. on the positive side, steven and claudia are coming into town, and she is looking forward to that. nothing is going to happen until after their visit.

everything else about the last couple of days has been fine. work was no problem yesterday. i did my 4.5 hours, and left. i had a nice workout at the gym, and decided to start taking an otc dose of vitamin d. more and more studies are showing that most americans are not getting enough vitamin d. i have seen a lot of people blood work come back showing a lack of the vitamin, and of the ones in range, a lot of them are on the lower end of normal. i thought i would try it since one of the bigger side effects of low vitamin d is low energy, and i have long complained of that.

i did sleep well last night. i was asleep before 9:30 and didn't get up until after 9:30 this morning! i was shocked when i realized how much i slept. i thought if i got up early i would be able to get up early. there were a few things i wanted to accomplish this morning. i was able to get everything done, but not in the morning! peter and i worked together this afternoon and evening to get done what needed to be done. we are busy tomorrow. i work in the morning, and we have a chili cook off with the neighbors in the afternoon, and an engagement party for heather and ben in the evening. the party is an outdoor event, and it is going to be freezing, i mean lower than 40, i am going to freeze!

TURING THE CORNER???

this morning started like the others recently. at one point this morning i thought i was going to break down, pull out a sharp, and use it. thankfully, that didn't happen. i was able to keep it together, and had a better afternoon. it was a nice day in that i was left alone. we are running on a skeleton of nurses, to start with, and alicia was not in today. i was able to concentrate to do my work, i had to, and there was nobody with any time to waste. it still makes no sense as to why, but i had better focus and concentration in the afternoon.

i'm not going to question a good thing. it may only be a mirage, but i'll take it. i've been feeling so bad lately, that i'll take any break, no matter how brief.

funny i have not been around peter much this evening, but when i am, i am very edgy.

ANOTHER DAY IN FRIGHTVILLE

another day trapped in a mind betraying logic. i just want to cut all the time. i have no idea where any good sharp instruments are in the house, but i know where there are some great ones are at work, and it took a lot of self control to walk past those areas today. we keep some scalps on the supply cart we bring into stock rooms. i just wanted to lift one. that's all i would have needed for tonight. not that si tonight would stop the impulse from coming back tomorrow, but it would stop the immediate screaming. the increase in meds is only causing an increase in side effects. my mouth is so dry that i can barely talk, and i am so out of it that i am almost non functioning at work. what i wouldn't give for a simple solution. i feel like i've worked so hard, done what my docs have asked, worked out my issues in therapy, and i still can land flat on my butt. this feels like i'm back at square one. the rational part of me knows i'm way farther ahead than i used to be, but when i back slide this far, this fast, it is hard to remember being any further back. i certainly do not want to remember being worse off, because i don't want to think things could be worse than they are right now, even though the logical part of my mind knows things can get much worse.

went to the gym and worked out on the elliptical. my ankle had been bothering my when i run, so i'm going to try to not run until the half on the 15th. i am looking forward to seeing nessa and the kids. i'm hoping to dial down the running and to cross train instead for 6-8 weeks. my next half will not be until may (maybe). i just hope i can stay motivated without a big event before me. i am terrified of gaining the weight back.

my ipod died this week, so i replaced it today, and that was exciting. i got the nano 5th generation. it is compatible with the Nike attachment to keep track of my mileage, it will take short video, and get radio stations. it will be nice to have the option to get the sound of the tv's at the gym. they operate on radio waves. the 5th generation also has a bigger screen than the 4th generation, and has an external speaker, now i can listen to it without having to hook it up to extra speakers. and it was on sale! that was about the only excitement of my day.

i'm not going to the kingdom hall again tonight because i just cannot seem to get myself together enough to go. this trend has got to stop.

TODAY'S REALITY

i hate my life. it was another dreadful day at work. i guess it really was not too bad, but i just did not want to work. i wanted to be at home and cry, not that i could cry when i was at home before work. the weekend was great. the asselta's came over and spent saturday and sunday with us. that was a real lift to my mood, and i had a good time. that lift is gone, and reality had set in, and i am back to work and the house. nothing actually happened today, just a typical monday.

i keep trying to find a start, or a springboard to this depressive cycle, and i may have to be accept that there is none. i just really want it to end. i leave for san antonio in 10 days, and i want to feel good when down there. i don't want to be in a depressive stupor when with nessa and the kids.

A COUPLE OF YEARS AND ONE DAY

i've gone another day without hurting myself. ordinarily that is no big thing, but today that was an accomplishment. i ended up doing nothing. the only time i left the house was to walk the dog, but i managed to stay uninjured. tomorrow i have to work, and we may have company for the weekend, so it may be a busy weekend. i don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. i guess we will know by the end of the weekend.

the yankee's tied up the world series last night at 1. i was hoping the phillies would sweep in four.