another day, nothing different. work was uneventful. i got charts pulled for probably the first time this week, and still managed to get the patients checked in. it also seemed that we were running a demerol special today. i don't know if it the weather, or just the addicts are coming in at the same time, or both.
i saw teri today, and she made some small tweaks in my meds that will hopefully be temporary. i need to pull out of this funk. i'm going to double up on the anafranil for a while, and she gave me some rispirdal 25 mg for the morning for now. i really do not want to take these extra meds for very long, i'm not sure i can deal with the side effects. on the other hand, i can't deal with the compulsion to cut, and this level of depression. i want my normal back.
we are supposed to have friends in this weekend, and i need to schedule other things with some other people, but i have no desire to do any of it.
i need to get something i left at my mom's, and i need it this weekend, so i guess i will see her tomorrow. i really should call her tonight, but i don't have the energy.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
AM I STILL HERE?
is crawling in a hole and being left alone too much to ask for????????? i mean really is it too much?????? i just want to know, because if that is too much i can try to spontaneously combust. i mean i don't think there have been any reported cases of it happening, but i'm willing to be the first!
it was another bad day at work. i don't want to go back there tomorrow.
so far i only work half a day tomorrow, i see teri, then i think i can run. it should feel good to run. it's just been a while since i've had an episode so bad that i'm snapping at peter over just about anything. the poor guy can't say or do anything right this week.
i want to cut so bad it is unreal. i can practically see it and feel it. it is not an option in my life anymore. at least that is how i want my life to be, and i have to learn to get past bad days like these sooner rather than later. i just feel so isolated. i have no close friends around the area, and nessa has no time to talk when she does call. i could spontaneous combust and in a few months nobody would ever remember me.
it was another bad day at work. i don't want to go back there tomorrow.
so far i only work half a day tomorrow, i see teri, then i think i can run. it should feel good to run. it's just been a while since i've had an episode so bad that i'm snapping at peter over just about anything. the poor guy can't say or do anything right this week.
i want to cut so bad it is unreal. i can practically see it and feel it. it is not an option in my life anymore. at least that is how i want my life to be, and i have to learn to get past bad days like these sooner rather than later. i just feel so isolated. i have no close friends around the area, and nessa has no time to talk when she does call. i could spontaneous combust and in a few months nobody would ever remember me.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
A DAY FROM THE ABYSS
the day started with over sleeping, and went downhill from there. since none of the nurses can get in on time i was the chosen one to get the lecture today. i'm tired of it, i'm the only one who can get there on time, and the one time i'm late, i get the talk. no other nurse ever gets there before eight ever, and she takes it out on me. i am getting so tired of this job. ruth is leaving at the first of the year, and i have no idea what i'm going to do without her there. i wonder if she will need an ma at gbmc. i can already read her writing. carolyn made it clear to me several months ago that she didn't want to hear me complain. if i am not happy with my job, i am free to find another job. her attitude is that i am just that replaceable, and she wanted to make sure that i knew it.
i just want to leave everything right now. i hate my life. i hate my job, i feel like i have no friends, and i have a migraine. hopefully i'll feel better in the morning.
i just want to leave everything right now. i hate my life. i hate my job, i feel like i have no friends, and i have a migraine. hopefully i'll feel better in the morning.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
UPHILL ACCOMPLISHMENT
had a great run today. i was not in the mood to run, but made myself get out. there was no excuse to skip the run. the weather is perfect. it is 60 with a slight breeze, the leaves are beautiful, no excuse there. this may also be my last opportunity to get in a long run before my next half. i was hoping to get in another long run next weekend, but that is filling up fast. today's run turned out to be great! it had some major hills in it, and i am a total hill wimp. i usually have to walk them completely even after running for two (and a half?) years. i decided to really try to tackle these hills. the first big uphill was mile 3, yes, all of mile 3! there were parts that were steep too. i was so pleased that i only had to walk very little. the last two miles were also uphill, and i managed to run most of that too! the feeling of tackling those hills is unbelievable!!!!!!!!! i feel ready for my next half. i kept up a 12:22 pace on today's 10 mile run. if i can do that with those hills, i should be able to keep up a 12 mile pace in my next half!
the asselta's called this morning to ask if they can visit next weekend. that will be a lot of fun. caitlin is having some major memory issues that are very concerning, and seem to have stumped her doctors. she can no longer work or drive, and has no energy for things. i'm glad caroline warned me ahead of time because it is going to take me a week to get used to the idea of a lower key caitlin.
the asselta's called this morning to ask if they can visit next weekend. that will be a lot of fun. caitlin is having some major memory issues that are very concerning, and seem to have stumped her doctors. she can no longer work or drive, and has no energy for things. i'm glad caroline warned me ahead of time because it is going to take me a week to get used to the idea of a lower key caitlin.
Friday, October 23, 2009
GETTING BACK
i can't believe how long it has been since i've posted. i have been unbelievably busy. the rest of the summer went well. the district convention went well, the kingdom hall remodel was fun, but exhausting. there were some snags in getting the occupancy permit for that, but that finally happened the other day, and we are in.
the virginia beach half went well, totally dull. i was hoping for a 2:45:00 time, and i posted a 3:01:33, so it was not as well as hoped, but if that is the worst, than there is no room to complain. i have another half marathon in less than four weeks! i excited because i will get to see vanessa and the kids. i don't think my time will be any faster, but i am looking forward to the trip.
the only other thing happening of note lately is that mom had surgery the other day. she had to have a lump removed from her breast. she was in and out the same day. she is in more pain that is letting on, but is doing well, and has been able to get out of the house for a little the last couple of days.
work has been busy, but we keep running out of flu shots because they cannot be made fast enough. when we get more in, i will have to work some extra hours, but all is reasonable until then.
overall life has been good to me.
the virginia beach half went well, totally dull. i was hoping for a 2:45:00 time, and i posted a 3:01:33, so it was not as well as hoped, but if that is the worst, than there is no room to complain. i have another half marathon in less than four weeks! i excited because i will get to see vanessa and the kids. i don't think my time will be any faster, but i am looking forward to the trip.
the only other thing happening of note lately is that mom had surgery the other day. she had to have a lump removed from her breast. she was in and out the same day. she is in more pain that is letting on, but is doing well, and has been able to get out of the house for a little the last couple of days.
work has been busy, but we keep running out of flu shots because they cannot be made fast enough. when we get more in, i will have to work some extra hours, but all is reasonable until then.
overall life has been good to me.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
A GREAT ORDINARY WEEK
had an ordinary week. i have a sinus infection so i was tired a lot, but that is not unusual. i did not run on tuesday. heather took the week off again, so work was very peaceful. i think all the nurses appreciated that. i took today off because this weekend is my district convention. i am so excited, i think, or it may be nervous, i can never be sure. anyway, i have talked to people who have been to some of the days, and they have said that it is a great program.
not running tuesday allowed me to run long today. i wanted to get started early so i got up a little after five and was on the treadmill shortly after 5:30. i did that for six miles. i was hoping to do the trails for another six, but my knee starting hurting on the downhills. that is concerning. i am hoping that a good pair of trail shoes will take care of that. anyway, i cut it short by one or two miles. that will be my last long run before my va beach half. i am thrilled to get that in. after the treadmill stopped on me sunday after six miles i thought there was no chance of getting any kind of long run in. that would make my last long run about five weeks before my half, and that is entirely too long. now i was able to get in ten or eleven miles and still have a full two weeks to recover. hopefully my knee will not hurt anymore.
right now peter and i are waiting for my mom to arrive so we can leave for the district convention. it is in reading pa this year.
not running tuesday allowed me to run long today. i wanted to get started early so i got up a little after five and was on the treadmill shortly after 5:30. i did that for six miles. i was hoping to do the trails for another six, but my knee starting hurting on the downhills. that is concerning. i am hoping that a good pair of trail shoes will take care of that. anyway, i cut it short by one or two miles. that will be my last long run before my va beach half. i am thrilled to get that in. after the treadmill stopped on me sunday after six miles i thought there was no chance of getting any kind of long run in. that would make my last long run about five weeks before my half, and that is entirely too long. now i was able to get in ten or eleven miles and still have a full two weeks to recover. hopefully my knee will not hurt anymore.
right now peter and i are waiting for my mom to arrive so we can leave for the district convention. it is in reading pa this year.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
WORK, KINGDOM HALL, LAUNDRY
today started as any other day, i did not want to get up. i just wanted to study the back of my eyelids for one more hour. i think that was all i wanted anyway. work was slow and uninteresting today. it was the first time i worked with janai since she came back from maternity leave. she looks great, everything seems to agree with her. it was kinda fun working with tamika and janai this morning. i went straight from work to the kingdom hall site. i proceeded to push a broom for a couple of hours. overall a busy, yet unexciting day.
tomorrow will be my last long run before my va beach half. it is quickly approaching. i am totally excited (maybe). i just hope i'm not expecting too much out of myself. i've given up on having any energy, yet there is still a part of me that wants to hit the 2:45:00 time. that would take ten minutes off my md half from may. that may not be reasonable, but there are no hills in this half, and there were brutal hills in that half. i need to remind myself that it is a goal and there are no consequences if i do not reach it, the number is arbitrary.
i am already tired so i am hoping to sleep well. hopefully i can get up early, knock out my run, so i can be back up at the kingdom hall early tomorrow. the laundry is almost done here, and i'm hoping to catch up on some other house work during the week. there is literally nothing else going on in my life right now, it is totally boring, and i could not be more grateful.
tomorrow will be my last long run before my va beach half. it is quickly approaching. i am totally excited (maybe). i just hope i'm not expecting too much out of myself. i've given up on having any energy, yet there is still a part of me that wants to hit the 2:45:00 time. that would take ten minutes off my md half from may. that may not be reasonable, but there are no hills in this half, and there were brutal hills in that half. i need to remind myself that it is a goal and there are no consequences if i do not reach it, the number is arbitrary.
i am already tired so i am hoping to sleep well. hopefully i can get up early, knock out my run, so i can be back up at the kingdom hall early tomorrow. the laundry is almost done here, and i'm hoping to catch up on some other house work during the week. there is literally nothing else going on in my life right now, it is totally boring, and i could not be more grateful.
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