I WAS TOLD TO TAKE MY XANAX

i thought i was doing well today, but the pressure from within just kept mounting. i found myself unable to deal with little things. i didn't snap an anyone, or anything, i totally wanted to. i felt overwhelmed at work even though there was not much to do there.

i saw maureen and she took my blood pressure. it was 130 over something. she told me to take my xanax. i totally needed to calm down. i chose to take her advice when i got home. the rest of my visit with her was uneventful. i can go four months between visits since i have had so few headaches. i fact for which i am grateful.

i ran the trails tonight. i was hoping to stay out an hour. i ended up being out 90 minutes. i got lost and waisted a lot of time. it was a great learning experience. the next time i think my timing will work out perfectly though b/c my detour was just about 30 minutes. my head was much clearer while running.

i don't know if the nerves are from the upcoming race, or the assembly next weekend. either way, i never do well around a lot of people. they are both going to be crowded events. something has me reved up, and it has to give soon because i cannot maintain this level for much longer.

POSITIVE ATTITUDE, POSITIVE ENERGY

the first day with my attempted new attitude. i think i did well. i was able to maintain a positive attitude attitude throughout the day, and had enough energy to get my job done. it was easy in part b/c i got to check in patients, and i always enjoy playing with patients, i can always pull positive energy from them. nothing really happened today, but i was just conscience of keeping my attitude positive. in all reality though, there was nothing to complain about. everything ran smoothly, and everything got done.

i see maureen tomorrow and i expect her to say more of the same. i've only had two migraines in the past three months! that may be a record. i am thrilled about that.

i have a few other errands to do, and i want to slip in a run, but i should be able to accomplish everything with plenty of time to spare.

i think i'm getting bored with running on the treadmill, so it is time to bring it back outside. with the heat lately, that is going to take some thinking and work. they opened the bypass last thursday so that is no longer an option. i will have to find another place to do my long runs. i can go back to the cape horn loop, but that gets redundant after awhile. if it is not too hot i can head to the trails after my appointnment. i enjoy them, but i do not have an exact measurement. that is a bummer. apparently it is not supposed to be as hot tomorrow.

i very much appreciated the extra time teri spent with me yesterday. she didn't tell me anything i hadn't already heard, but apparently i really needed to hear again. i didn't think i expected too much of myself, but she stated that frequently women frequently do set their standards very high, and are hard on themselves when they are not met. in other words, don't be a perfectionist. she also reminded me to give myself positive affirmations, and to remember how far i've come. i should not focus on where i want to go, focus on what i've done. i just very much appreciated the extra time and attention.

RIGHT WORD AT THE RIGHT TIME

today was a brand new day. i got to check in patients in for the first time in weeks. i had a blast just playing with patients.

i also had a great visit with teri. maybe it was just repeating the right thing at the right time. she said, and not the first person to do so, that the fatigue may just be a reality that i have to live with. it may very well be because of the meds. my conclusion is that if i want stability, than i may have to accept this as my reality. this sucks, but it may be just how it is for the foreseeable future. i just seem a little more open to it today. i guess the timing was right. i told her about my visit yesterday and my poor metabolism, and that reality. she also seemed to know just what to say. she reminded me of what i have accomplished, how far i can run, literally, and how much weight i have lost, even with the metabolism of a sloth. she reminded me to give myself those positive affirmations periodically.

i thought i was doing well when i walked in, but she saw right through me. she saw what was going on with me, and somehow know what to say to help me feel better, or to help me draw the necessary conclusions. i take great comfort working with someone with that gift.

overall i had a great day.

NO MORE ANSWERS

had my metabolism measured today, and it is worse than i thought. i only burn 1350 cal/day. as much as i love to eat, and i burn next to nothing. i wanted to cry. i've been wanting to run more, but have not had the energy. i have no idea why i have no energy. my daily caloric intake is not enough that it is not being met. i am eating enough to meet my needs, and then some. there is no logical reason for this fatigue.

I THINK I SCARRED THE DOG

i've been congested the last few days and had to skip my run yesterday. when not feeling well cuts into my running something must be done. i could tell it was allergy related so i decided to get the dust out of my house. the biggest offender is my bedroom. i haven't dusted in there in a long time. the dog had no idea what i was doing. i totally cleaned everything out. i took stuff off dresser tops, and removed the layers of dust that was visible. i even went so far as to recruit peter and have him move furniture and vacuum under the bed, tv, and cedar chest. we had to empty out the vacuum cleaner twice! i hope this effort is worth it, i have a busy week. i also feel that i'm coming down the home stretch for the half marathon for va beach, and i cannot afford to get sick. it is now less than one month away!

we also started to gut our kingdom hall this weekend. we only took 150 seats out, but our last meeting will be tomorrow. i will miss that meeting b/c i have to work. i was very sad that i missed today's meeting b/c i could not breath. with 150 less seats everybody had to sit much closer. it must have been a homer feeling. i am so excited to have the remodel and only have about 177 seats total. it will be a friendlier, closer feeling. we should be back in our new kingdom hall in seven weeks. i hope to have an active share in the remodel. i have a couple of shifts in first aid, and will be assisting in food service and cleaning. those are not my strong suits, but it is where they need help.

CRAPTACULAR DAY

i was just thinking over the weekend how i had not had a migraine in over two months. there is a reason i don't think. the migraine started yesterday. i think it started because i was hungry. i tried to eat something at work, but osha regulations state that nothing can be out, so management had to say something. i still finished my fruit. but between the headache, and the fact that i get no dinner break (which caused the headach) i'm pissed off. it remindes me of the "talk" carolyn had with me a few months ago. the one where i am told not to complain so much, and that i am "free to find another job." on top of all that, heather is going around work stating "i don't know of any drama, do you know of any drama?" i just rolled my eyes at her. she is useless. i am just keeping my mouth shut and doing my job. i just wish i had a friend i could call and whine to. nobody cares.

PHYSICAL EXERATION

i pushed myself today, and i think it was a good thing. i went to bed early last night, but five am still came very early, and i ended up hitting the snooze bar twice. i never do that on a five am run! i was in shock when i realized it was 5:20. my plan from the beginning was to split my running up for today which turned out to be a good plan. we had the circuit overseer today at the kingdom hall, and i didn't want to miss him, or be late for his talk. i enjoy listening to brother jaskowski. i ran the bypass once, nine miles, in exactly 1:48. they were 12 min/miles, even. it was amazing. the hills felt good. peter and i went out for lunch, and when that settled, i hit the gym. i was hoping to get in five, but predetermined to be happy with three. i got to the gym a little before 4 and thought i had until 5, but it closed at 4:30, so i only got in three miles. i thought about pounding out the last two miles on the treadmill in the basement, but decided against it. what energy i did have left peter and i used to take the dog up to the trails at bear branch for a long walk. i am now exhausted.

i am again keeping a food journal, and it had been revealing this week. last week and the first of this week, i had energy. i lost that energy mid week, and missed my thursday run due to fatigue, i just could not make my body do it. i ate a lot more last week while on vacation. i didn't really gain any more weight either. i need to eat more, and do it daily. i get off track early in the week, and just don't focus on replacing the calories i'm burning. i am also terrified of gaining any weight back that i will not give a pound. i need to get over that. peter reminded me the other day that i need to enjoy the journey. i reminded him the weight loss journey is over, but he was talking about the running journey. i still enjoy running, and there is still improvement in my running that i want to do, that journey continues. if my not eating, or restricting my eating is holding that journey back, than i am not fully enjoying the journey. i hadn't looked at it that way. i need to feed the journey.

the meeting was good today. todd gave two good talks. he is a dynamic speaker, and i enjoyed listening to him. he emphasised the need to prioritise in this time of the end. we need to simplify, and not let materialism take over. we need to put jehovah first.

i also told peter over lunch how much i enjoyed hanging out with the family in new york, and how much i miss that here. i feel so lonely and isolated in my circle. i know a lot of people, but have no great friends. i feel very tied down to westminster with the house, but there is no guarantee that things would be better anywhere else.