doing better since my last post. the weather has been nice this weekend. yesterday was supposed to rain, but ended up being nice all day, and today it was cooler and windy, but was very sunny and nice. i did manage to get out of the house both yesterday and today. i think/hope i have all my errands done for the weekend.

the weather was right, so i went for an eight mile run to dq and back. i almost called it quits and had peter pick me up mid way. i had cramps and didn't feel well. i have never quit a run before, and am pleased i didn't today, but i didn't feel well out there today. the skirt i wore to the kh today was bigger than i remember which means i must have lost more weight. i'm not sure i'm eating enough, which might be why i didn't feel well today. i really do need to figure out how to eat more often, instead of more at a time. it is just hard to eat during patient hours when i'm at work. outside of the osha rules against it, we are just too busy. i am pleased with how my taste have changed, and i no longer crave sweets like i used to, but i need to figure out how/when to consume about 200-300 calories per day more. i think i would feel better.

we saw the new star trek movie today. we were very impressed, and enjoy ourselves. we were not expecting much, and were pleasantly surprised. the humor kept to the original story line, and the special effects were not over done. there was a lot that could have gone wrong, or have been done over the top, but we thought it was well done.

today had been a slightly better day. the catch is i didn't leave the house. i took some xanax before bed last night so i over slept and got up late. ended up doing nothing with the morning. the only thing i did in the afternoon was clean the downstairs a little, and hit the treadmill. the run was really lame. i managed five miles, but my lungs just had a hard time keeping up. it must be humid. i also ran in the basement instead of at the air conditioned gym. i'm sure that had an impact.

i was able to talk to dr r, and she bumped my effexor back up to 225, and set out a plan of going to 1.5 of the rispirdal if i need more help. that should be a good plan. going back to status quo should solve the problem, and if not, adding the rispirdal had always been helpful.

things could be worse. she is having problems with her mother who had altimzers. i remember all the problems we had with peters grandmother, and i do not envy dr r.

i have to get out tomorrow. if i don't go out with friends, i'm going to get a pedicure, just to make myself get out. just thinking about going out is making my stomach nervous. i cannot believe how badly i'm doing, but i cannot live inside my house. i will have to make myself do something.

i wish porsche were returning my calls, at least then i'd have someone to bounce things off of and tell me how unreasonable i'm being. maybe she would go shopping or get a pedicure with me. i should see her on sunday. i hope she and boys are feeling well, the last time i spoke with her the boys were ill.

my runner's world has not arrived for the month. i wonder if i have the concentration to read. it took me all of april to read last months rw because of the headaches. i have been pain free this week. i am guessing because the barometric pressure has stayed low. i wonder how i would do if i found a good book to read.

not a much better day today. i've continued with the feeling in my stomach that a tree has rooted and is growing there. it just doesn't feel right. my nerves are shot. it's like i've had too much coffee when i clearly have not had too much coffee. i have no idea what to do. i went down to see cathy today, but i don't think that did any good. we talked for a while, but i still don't feel well. i was planning to go to the gym, but porsche never called back, so i went home, then to cathy's. in the end, i blew off the gym. my running has really suffered this week, but i really just wanted to be alone. i was almost afraid to be out today.

they also had me training christy in the back today. she was hired for the front, but has decided to pursue her nursing degree. the infinite wisdom of management has decided to keep her on for thrusday nights and saturdays in the back (a worthless seven hours). it fell on me today to "train" her how we do stuff. i don't think i'm qualified to train someone a years worth on education in a morning, nor do i even see the point for as little as she will be working. i honestly don't even think she will be with us long after she starts nursing school anyway. it's more like how much more can we frustrate mary ann.

i just feel like i can't handle my life right now. i feel like i'm spinning out of control, or like my head is about to pop off.

today has not been a good day. i thought i was going to have a panic attack this morning, and this afternoon didn't go much better. we were short a couple of nurses, so they called tineka in, and she is still soooooo slow, it is unreal. she got very little paper work done, i'm not sure what she did all day. monica was triage with her today, and she is not training her on anything. i feel bad, but i'm in no position to switch things, and train monica, and do all the paperwork too. we are just too understaffed in the back. what really got under my skin was that carolyn was joking with someone, i think pam, that i a couple of weeks when the college kids come back, they will have too much help up front. i kinda thought the point of a dr office was patient care, not moving charts. anyway, it has not been a good day for me. i wanted to look for my xanax, but never took the time. i don't know if i am getting a headache, and am edgy because of that, or if it is the med change or what the problem is. i'm just hoping for a better day tomorrow. i'm an really feeling self injurious for the first time in a while, and i'm hoping it goes a way soon. i also feel like i need to cry, but there is no reason. hopefully the feeling will pass. maybe the intermittent rain is bringing a headache, and that is why i don't feel stable. i'm just hoping tomorrow is a better day. my stomach also hasn't felt right today. i think i'm hungry, but when i eat, it feels like there is already a pit there. i have also been noticing that i am filling up very quickly when i eat lately. i don't know. i think i'm just rambling, or going insane. i just don't even know how to articulate how i feel. i think that's why i cut. i an otherwise unable to convey how badly i feel, but that is unfair. it tells nobody, not even me, how, or why i feel this way. i WANT ANSWERS. what is really at the root of my desire to cut? what is really going on inside my head?

fabo day today. i was dreading going into work, but everything was caught up! i could not have been happier. we had very few people calling convinced that they had the swine flu and that they needed tamiflu, and i have also gotten pretty good at telling them (over the phone anyway) that they do not meet cdc standards for getting the medicine. i would have left work on time but there was one patient who came in right before closing who of course needed a couple injections and had to wait to see if she was going to react to those injections.

i wanted to run as soon as i got home, but i had a headache, and was hungry. i decided to eat thinking that it may solve both problems. it did not help with the headache, but i was at least no longer hungry. pt and i ended up watching the o's game for a while. his car was in the shop, so we picked it up, then i went on to run. i had a great run. i ran the bypass again. i wanted to run what i think is a 13 mile run. the last time it took me 2:50:00 to do it, this time i was hoping for 2:45:00, i did it in 2:34:21! they ended up being 11:53/mile! i could not be happier. that is what i've been doing on the flat treadmill at the gym! i wonder if i will do so well in an actual race. i have also observed that i am better at running uphill. when i run downhill i end up going too fast and develop a stitch. the result of which is i require a walk break. i made a real effort today to take much shorter walk breaks. i also think i may invest in an aqua belt so i don't have to carry my water with me on my long runs. my hands hurt after caring a water bottle 13 miles.

anyway, the bottom line is that i am very happy with how the day went. i felt rough after the run, and i still have my headache, but it is no worse after the run. i need to run despite mild headaches, and rain (even though it didn't rain today, just called for it). if i have to deal with these conditions on race day, the race still goes continues. headaches have been a part of my life long enough, that i have to deal with them despite whatever i have planned, and that includes running. i am glad i ran today despite the headache.

it's been a pretty good week! nothing special has happened, but nothing bad has happened either. work went well. heather was off the last half of the week, so we were short handed, and i was busy, but i don't mind busy at work. it makes the time go by faster. heather was going to a lodge outside williamsburg that has an indoor water park, and other indoor rides. it sounds like a blast. i can not wait to hear about it when she gets back. i offered to come in and work this afternoon, but they didn't take me up on that offer. i hope they do not just expect me to do twice as much work as possible tomorrow. we are going to be busy with people panicking about the swine flu. i am so not looking forward to working tomorrow. i am anticipating the paperwork to be backed up from today, and the people to be off the hook crazy. i am so tired of hearing about the swine flu. there have been a handful of possible cases in maryland, and everybody is panicking. people have gone crazy. the media must be totally bored to make covering the flu take up over have their coverage time.

the running this week had been sparse. i think i have only logged 10 miles for the week. they were good quality runs though. they were both five mile runs and both done in just under 60 minutes. i am hoping to get another very long run in this weekend, either 12 or 13 miles. it is getting down to crunch time for the maryland half marathon on the 31st of this month. i really do not feel prepared. i would like to get in at least one more run i have planned for this weekend, and either another one of them, or at least a 10 or 11 miler. i am hoping to hit the bypass because it is open road with no traffic on it yet.

today i did practically nothing. i slept in, walked the dog, and cleaned the kitchen. that is it for productivity. i think i needed the rest. i was surprised that i over slept. i had planned to meet some people this morning, and when i realized what time it was, and only had time to call and cancel, i thought i would at least get the house clean. amazingly i fell back asleep. all of this after i went to bed early! i really must have needed the rest.

i have also lost four more pounds this week. i am thrilled. i noticed a couple of months ago that my cloths were bigger, but the scales were the same, so i'm not surprised, but it is still nice to see. i am a little concerned though that all of the sudden i have noticed that i fill up very quickly when i eat. i couldn't even finish my salad that i had for dinner tonight. i'm going to have to keep an eye on this.

it has been so long since i've posted, and i have nothing to say, i think. i've had a killer migraine for at least three days now. the pain is unreal, and now i'm itchy. i think that is a reaction to a pain med. i cannot think straight, and have no clue how i am going to make it to work tomorrow. i have been totally nonfunctional the last couple of days. the big accomplishment is laundry, and i was very proud of being able to shower! i have not folded the clothes i washed, but there is plenty of time for that.